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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 392438" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there, hon. Things sound tough. As one who adopted older kids, let me share my insight with you. I could be right or wrong, but it sounds like this kids had as rocky a start as any kids in foster care and that they have had so many caregivers that they most likely have attachment disorder problems that a regular ole therapist is probably not capable of catching. I am going to send you another link (I know), but I am quite sure that, whatever else is going on, this is one of them...these kids had to learn to fend for themselves since infancy. They were abused and neglected and, in their earliest years, both were raised by drug addicts. You said hub thinks mom didn't use meth during her pregnancy, but he probably isn't sure. And if she drank, alcohol in a child's system in utero can cause brain damage, which is permanant. In short, you are not a typical blended family. These kids were thrown around just as much as any kid whom both of you could have adopted from the foster care system (and, indeed, they were in that system too along their way). They are not bad kids...or didn't start out that way. They are very damaged children who may be able to improve if you and hub are very serious about it. But you won't get results from typical parenting and I think withdrawing emotionally is very dangerous to kids who already think the only ones who will care for them is themselves. Here is a link on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): Reactive Attachment Disorder. Ever adoptive mother and father knows this dreaded term, but there IS help (although it takes hard work). See if it fits...and, yes, these kids can grow up to be psychopaths if it isn't worked on. This explains it GREAT, although it says it's "rare." Well, it's not rare among kids who were adopted or who had no stability in their infancy and beyond.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988" target="_blank">http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988</a></p><p></p><p>I hope this helps give you some focus. You are not going to be able to use 1, 2, 3 Magic or Timouts or even severe discipline to make these kids behave. They probably need to attach to you and their father first. You were their father's idea too, not theirs, and they couldn't be too happy about his marrying again. They love their birthmother, even with all her flaws and they can't see her (for good reasons, but they still may miss her). And they are 50% of her genes and 50% of your hubs. He also had his unstable moments. in my opinion this is a work in progress that will entail very difficult times and very hard work for the entire family with an uncertain outcome. But they're his kids...he's not going to abandon them. You kind of have to decide how committed you are to them because they are a package deal.</p><p></p><p>Good luck and welcome to the board. Good people come here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 392438, member: 1550"] Hi there, hon. Things sound tough. As one who adopted older kids, let me share my insight with you. I could be right or wrong, but it sounds like this kids had as rocky a start as any kids in foster care and that they have had so many caregivers that they most likely have attachment disorder problems that a regular ole therapist is probably not capable of catching. I am going to send you another link (I know), but I am quite sure that, whatever else is going on, this is one of them...these kids had to learn to fend for themselves since infancy. They were abused and neglected and, in their earliest years, both were raised by drug addicts. You said hub thinks mom didn't use meth during her pregnancy, but he probably isn't sure. And if she drank, alcohol in a child's system in utero can cause brain damage, which is permanant. In short, you are not a typical blended family. These kids were thrown around just as much as any kid whom both of you could have adopted from the foster care system (and, indeed, they were in that system too along their way). They are not bad kids...or didn't start out that way. They are very damaged children who may be able to improve if you and hub are very serious about it. But you won't get results from typical parenting and I think withdrawing emotionally is very dangerous to kids who already think the only ones who will care for them is themselves. Here is a link on Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD): Reactive Attachment Disorder. Ever adoptive mother and father knows this dreaded term, but there IS help (although it takes hard work). See if it fits...and, yes, these kids can grow up to be psychopaths if it isn't worked on. This explains it GREAT, although it says it's "rare." Well, it's not rare among kids who were adopted or who had no stability in their infancy and beyond. [url]http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/reactive-attachment-disorder/DS00988[/url] I hope this helps give you some focus. You are not going to be able to use 1, 2, 3 Magic or Timouts or even severe discipline to make these kids behave. They probably need to attach to you and their father first. You were their father's idea too, not theirs, and they couldn't be too happy about his marrying again. They love their birthmother, even with all her flaws and they can't see her (for good reasons, but they still may miss her). And they are 50% of her genes and 50% of your hubs. He also had his unstable moments. in my opinion this is a work in progress that will entail very difficult times and very hard work for the entire family with an uncertain outcome. But they're his kids...he's not going to abandon them. You kind of have to decide how committed you are to them because they are a package deal. Good luck and welcome to the board. Good people come here. [/QUOTE]
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