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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 205779" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>First, HUGS. Second, more HUGS!!!</p><p> </p><p>Okay, I do have one question -- do you know what her behavior was like before her mother became ill and died? That is, was it normal kid stuff issues or much like it is today? That will make a huge difference in how you treat her and the treatment you seek for you. In the meantime, I'll provide some suggestions from my own experiences.</p><p> </p><p>Stop the grounding, etc. As you said, she can't dig herself out of the hole and all it really does is make her feel hopeless. Make the consequence fit the crime so to speak. She steals? She pays it back through chores. She refuses to do the chores? You have a garage sale of her stuff. In other words, make consequences immediate so that she can't dig herself into a hole.</p><p> </p><p>Call the school and let them know that notes must be signed only by you or husband from now on. Notes signed by any other individual are not to be accepted and you are to be called if such a note is brought in. Let her know this is the case, so going to great- and grandmother will no longer work. Also, let her know that when she harms or threatens to harm them it is called elder abuse and she can go to jail for this. </p><p> </p><p>Make an appointment with an officer (captain or police chief -- no lower) at your police department. Explain the situation to that officer and ask what they will do if you have to call them. You don't want her arrested, but you do want her good and scared. Most police departments will work with you. If you don't think yours will, then don't call them. Mine would come out when I called and talk to her. They also explained they were not arresting because I asked them not to. Otherwise, they would have been happy to take her in.</p><p> </p><p>Schedule one day a week for special time for her and her dad and a monthly family thing. It could be an outing. It could just be popcorn and television. Make this sacrosanct. This time will not be taken away as a punishment for at least the first 6 months (give it time to see if it makes a difference). The only way it will not occur is if there is an emergency (the kind you call 911 for, not any other). She needs some security, especially in adolescence and even more so from her father. She has to know she is loved by him regardless of what she does. She knows she is loved by you. </p><p> </p><p>A lot of your daughter's behaviors sound so familiar to me. The stealing, the doing what is wanted regardless of the consequences, the groundings that didn't matter (they did but she'd die before she admitted it), etc. Mine didn't have anyone other than me to abuse, so it was rare to see me without bruises even when she was 5. So, I truly do understand what you're going through.</p><p> </p><p>It's going to take time and a lot of patience. No matter how tough she acts, the odds are pretty good that deep down she does care. She cares that she's alone all the time. She cares that she doesn't have fun things to do. The problem is she sees no way out of her hole, so why bother. She may as well do what she wants, she's going to get in trouble regardless -- at least she'll have a little fun. This was my daughter's logic. I didn't understand this until she was an adult and we talked about it. I regret taking so much fun from her as consequences. She needed more of that and less of the punishments. In the long run, it would have made for a happier child and better memories today and, quite possbly, a lot less bad behavior.</p><p> </p><p>Good luck. Believe it or not, there is hope for all of you. My daughter is now working, living in her own apartment and is basically a pretty good person. Not perfect and will still argue until she's blue in the face, but a person I like, not just the daughter I love.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 205779, member: 3626"] First, HUGS. Second, more HUGS!!! Okay, I do have one question -- do you know what her behavior was like before her mother became ill and died? That is, was it normal kid stuff issues or much like it is today? That will make a huge difference in how you treat her and the treatment you seek for you. In the meantime, I'll provide some suggestions from my own experiences. Stop the grounding, etc. As you said, she can't dig herself out of the hole and all it really does is make her feel hopeless. Make the consequence fit the crime so to speak. She steals? She pays it back through chores. She refuses to do the chores? You have a garage sale of her stuff. In other words, make consequences immediate so that she can't dig herself into a hole. Call the school and let them know that notes must be signed only by you or husband from now on. Notes signed by any other individual are not to be accepted and you are to be called if such a note is brought in. Let her know this is the case, so going to great- and grandmother will no longer work. Also, let her know that when she harms or threatens to harm them it is called elder abuse and she can go to jail for this. Make an appointment with an officer (captain or police chief -- no lower) at your police department. Explain the situation to that officer and ask what they will do if you have to call them. You don't want her arrested, but you do want her good and scared. Most police departments will work with you. If you don't think yours will, then don't call them. Mine would come out when I called and talk to her. They also explained they were not arresting because I asked them not to. Otherwise, they would have been happy to take her in. Schedule one day a week for special time for her and her dad and a monthly family thing. It could be an outing. It could just be popcorn and television. Make this sacrosanct. This time will not be taken away as a punishment for at least the first 6 months (give it time to see if it makes a difference). The only way it will not occur is if there is an emergency (the kind you call 911 for, not any other). She needs some security, especially in adolescence and even more so from her father. She has to know she is loved by him regardless of what she does. She knows she is loved by you. A lot of your daughter's behaviors sound so familiar to me. The stealing, the doing what is wanted regardless of the consequences, the groundings that didn't matter (they did but she'd die before she admitted it), etc. Mine didn't have anyone other than me to abuse, so it was rare to see me without bruises even when she was 5. So, I truly do understand what you're going through. It's going to take time and a lot of patience. No matter how tough she acts, the odds are pretty good that deep down she does care. She cares that she's alone all the time. She cares that she doesn't have fun things to do. The problem is she sees no way out of her hole, so why bother. She may as well do what she wants, she's going to get in trouble regardless -- at least she'll have a little fun. This was my daughter's logic. I didn't understand this until she was an adult and we talked about it. I regret taking so much fun from her as consequences. She needed more of that and less of the punishments. In the long run, it would have made for a happier child and better memories today and, quite possbly, a lot less bad behavior. Good luck. Believe it or not, there is hope for all of you. My daughter is now working, living in her own apartment and is basically a pretty good person. Not perfect and will still argue until she's blue in the face, but a person I like, not just the daughter I love. [/QUOTE]
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