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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 171837" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>I haven't read the responses so forgive me if I repeat - I'll read them after I post (don't want to be swayed <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> ).</p><p> </p><p>I think that the suggestion that our parenting is the root cause is our difficult children' behaviors is flat out wrong. Lord knows, we heard that in the beginning and in my case anyway, if the offending professional had anything useful to contribute it was lost after that first statement that I was the cause (or Boo was the cause, which we also ran into quite a bit in the bad old days).</p><p> </p><p>However, I absolutely do think that our parenting skills can at the very least perpetuate difficult child behaviors and in some cases make them worse as time goes on. We cannot raise our kids using Dr. Spock. We *must* alter our parenting skills, fine tune them, really get on top of our game. Raising pcs is comparatively a walk in the park - yes, you have to be consistent but not to the degree that you must with a difficult child (for example). Consistency was one of my two toughest skills to master with thank you, the other being having an unemotional response to his behaviors. And *that* one is the exact opposite of how I've raised my pcs - they respond when mom is disappointed and therefore change their behaviors. If I show disappointment to thank you, it only reinforces the behavior.</p><p> </p><p>I think the knee-jerk reaction to the suggestion that we bone up on our parenting skills is pretty normal. It carries to me an implicit criticism - that I'm not doing it "right". I do wish professionals would present it in a different light though. When thank you was 4, 5, and 6, the message I was getting was that if *I* changed how I was doing things (and usually that involved that doggone reward chart, over and over and over again, which was always utterly futile!), thank you would be just fine. I finally cried "uncle", swallowed my pride, did it their way, and as thank you continued to spiral downward the professionals finally were able to look past my so-called "poor parenting skills" to other possible causes. </p><p> </p><p>And I have to admit - we had one young man, an Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), who came into our home several times a week for almost a year to help us work on parenting skills, and he was very good. That's when I really figured out that my general disorganization and inconsistency was making things worse, as was my emotional reponse to his behavior. Not that by fixing my parenting problems it made life all roses and butterflies, but it did at least give me a certain amount of control over the situation and absolutely gave me more credibility with future professionals when I said we did this, this, and this, and were still dealing with these kinds of behaviors.</p><p> </p><p>To put it in a different perspective - as it became apparent that Boo had a really severe disability, my parenting of him had to change. I had to be much more in tune to subtle changes, to muscle tone, to anything that was just a smidge off. I had to become well versed in PT and Occupational Therapist (OT) strategies, get much more on top of "normal" development and how to try to help him hit milestones. I had to learn how to change g-tubes, check for pneumonia and wheezing, do various medical procedures at home. It was much easier for me because no one expected me to know it straight off the bat - I wasn't "blamed" (in my perception) for not knowing how to do it. </p><p> </p><p>I think at the end of the day, the changes I had to make in my parenting style were no less drastic with thank you but the presentation by professionals of me needing to make those changes was (again, just my perception) much more judgemental.</p><p> </p><p>Hope that makes sense. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 171837, member: 8"] I haven't read the responses so forgive me if I repeat - I'll read them after I post (don't want to be swayed ;) ). I think that the suggestion that our parenting is the root cause is our difficult children' behaviors is flat out wrong. Lord knows, we heard that in the beginning and in my case anyway, if the offending professional had anything useful to contribute it was lost after that first statement that I was the cause (or Boo was the cause, which we also ran into quite a bit in the bad old days). However, I absolutely do think that our parenting skills can at the very least perpetuate difficult child behaviors and in some cases make them worse as time goes on. We cannot raise our kids using Dr. Spock. We *must* alter our parenting skills, fine tune them, really get on top of our game. Raising pcs is comparatively a walk in the park - yes, you have to be consistent but not to the degree that you must with a difficult child (for example). Consistency was one of my two toughest skills to master with thank you, the other being having an unemotional response to his behaviors. And *that* one is the exact opposite of how I've raised my pcs - they respond when mom is disappointed and therefore change their behaviors. If I show disappointment to thank you, it only reinforces the behavior. I think the knee-jerk reaction to the suggestion that we bone up on our parenting skills is pretty normal. It carries to me an implicit criticism - that I'm not doing it "right". I do wish professionals would present it in a different light though. When thank you was 4, 5, and 6, the message I was getting was that if *I* changed how I was doing things (and usually that involved that doggone reward chart, over and over and over again, which was always utterly futile!), thank you would be just fine. I finally cried "uncle", swallowed my pride, did it their way, and as thank you continued to spiral downward the professionals finally were able to look past my so-called "poor parenting skills" to other possible causes. And I have to admit - we had one young man, an Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), who came into our home several times a week for almost a year to help us work on parenting skills, and he was very good. That's when I really figured out that my general disorganization and inconsistency was making things worse, as was my emotional reponse to his behavior. Not that by fixing my parenting problems it made life all roses and butterflies, but it did at least give me a certain amount of control over the situation and absolutely gave me more credibility with future professionals when I said we did this, this, and this, and were still dealing with these kinds of behaviors. To put it in a different perspective - as it became apparent that Boo had a really severe disability, my parenting of him had to change. I had to be much more in tune to subtle changes, to muscle tone, to anything that was just a smidge off. I had to become well versed in PT and Occupational Therapist (OT) strategies, get much more on top of "normal" development and how to try to help him hit milestones. I had to learn how to change g-tubes, check for pneumonia and wheezing, do various medical procedures at home. It was much easier for me because no one expected me to know it straight off the bat - I wasn't "blamed" (in my perception) for not knowing how to do it. I think at the end of the day, the changes I had to make in my parenting style were no less drastic with thank you but the presentation by professionals of me needing to make those changes was (again, just my perception) much more judgemental. Hope that makes sense. ;) [/QUOTE]
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