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parents 10 commandments to break enabling...
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 567538"><p>Nancy, I needed it tonite too. Long story longer (you know me!)</p><p></p><p>husband and I tried another "come to Jesus" talk tonight with our difficult child and it amounted to a lot of talk- we basically asked difficult child to explain his short & long term plans and how we fit in... We tried to listen and not direct. And while he has goals of going to school and becoming a chemist, he still has no concrete, sensible plan for getting from point A to point B...just abstract plans and still convinced that he can conjure up straight As by sheer will...</p><p></p><p>I am feeling defeated and honestly, I really want to take over his life and FIX it all...and finding these commandments is a good reminder that it is HE who is treading water and not us...even if feels futile. And while I can and should support his plans, I shouldn't facilitate the action needed to accomplish them. We did get the opportunity to state that HE needs to decide where we fit in his life/plans and that if he wants anything beyond our moral support, he needs to ask. </p><p></p><p>He is just so stuck - still no forward progress. He came home last night with a VERY banged up/bruised face & a black eye from a snowboarding fall (he's working at a local hill) and it triggered a really uncomfortable uneasy feeling in me. How many times can this boy get hurt before it's one time too many and he becomes our toddler in perpetuity?</p><p></p><p>He has been just ok, not great this month here.. A little out of touch with reality. He has been inconsiderate insofar as staying out too late or forgetting his key & ringing the bell at 2am or texting at 3am to state he won't be home- but not "overtly inconsiderate." typical teen-and he toes the line for sure. (He was a far more mature, considerate 17 yo!) </p><p></p><p>He has shown no growth since May 2011. Not worse which is a blessing, I know. He is more agreeable recently for sure, but I am VERY wary. We all know that home is the last port in the storm. The understandable absence of maturity at age 18.5 is far less tolerable as he nears age 21. Two years of this! And no end in site. Total inertia. He can't or won't connect the dots between cause and effect. It REALLY bothers me. I know i need to let go. He still has his lease & plans to return to his apt in late Jan. I think that's a mistake. If he could succeed in college (or life) in that town, he would have found success there by now. I've told him so, and I need to find the will to realize that I need to hush now.</p><p></p><p>I need to remember that my anxiety about his situation is MINE and that I need to let it go. He certainly is not losing sleep over it. I shouldn't either... So hard to realize that opportunity and life is starting to pass them by...and that they may only realize it after it's too late. But I can't make him see it. And I need to let go of any idea that its my job to show him ...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 567538"] Nancy, I needed it tonite too. Long story longer (you know me!) husband and I tried another "come to Jesus" talk tonight with our difficult child and it amounted to a lot of talk- we basically asked difficult child to explain his short & long term plans and how we fit in... We tried to listen and not direct. And while he has goals of going to school and becoming a chemist, he still has no concrete, sensible plan for getting from point A to point B...just abstract plans and still convinced that he can conjure up straight As by sheer will... I am feeling defeated and honestly, I really want to take over his life and FIX it all...and finding these commandments is a good reminder that it is HE who is treading water and not us...even if feels futile. And while I can and should support his plans, I shouldn't facilitate the action needed to accomplish them. We did get the opportunity to state that HE needs to decide where we fit in his life/plans and that if he wants anything beyond our moral support, he needs to ask. He is just so stuck - still no forward progress. He came home last night with a VERY banged up/bruised face & a black eye from a snowboarding fall (he's working at a local hill) and it triggered a really uncomfortable uneasy feeling in me. How many times can this boy get hurt before it's one time too many and he becomes our toddler in perpetuity? He has been just ok, not great this month here.. A little out of touch with reality. He has been inconsiderate insofar as staying out too late or forgetting his key & ringing the bell at 2am or texting at 3am to state he won't be home- but not "overtly inconsiderate." typical teen-and he toes the line for sure. (He was a far more mature, considerate 17 yo!) He has shown no growth since May 2011. Not worse which is a blessing, I know. He is more agreeable recently for sure, but I am VERY wary. We all know that home is the last port in the storm. The understandable absence of maturity at age 18.5 is far less tolerable as he nears age 21. Two years of this! And no end in site. Total inertia. He can't or won't connect the dots between cause and effect. It REALLY bothers me. I know i need to let go. He still has his lease & plans to return to his apt in late Jan. I think that's a mistake. If he could succeed in college (or life) in that town, he would have found success there by now. I've told him so, and I need to find the will to realize that I need to hush now. I need to remember that my anxiety about his situation is MINE and that I need to let it go. He certainly is not losing sleep over it. I shouldn't either... So hard to realize that opportunity and life is starting to pass them by...and that they may only realize it after it's too late. But I can't make him see it. And I need to let go of any idea that its my job to show him ... [/QUOTE]
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