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<blockquote data-quote="Martie" data-source="post: 7105" data-attributes="member: 284"><p>Dear Chris,</p><p></p><p>As I think you know, my ex-difficult child attended public school part-time in 7th and 8th grades. I also know I have cautioned that in some regards, anyone generalizing from my son's experiences is not a good idea. However, I believe we have corresponded in regard to some similarities our boys share.</p><p></p><p>To me, the key in the decision was two-fold:</p><p></p><p>1) My son had auditioned at the American Boychoir School, in Princeton, NJ, where the school day is three hours--and the rest is music. He did not want to sing enough to go and I did not think he was ready for boarding school at age 11. However, the audition experience planted the idea in his head that he WANTED to go to school part-time and devote the rest of his time to organ practice (rather than vocal music.) This is not a typical experience for a kid, but it happened and since he is an experiential learner, having the American BoyChoir as a model, helped him know what was right for him.</p><p></p><p>2. I KNEW by the time he was 11 that "balance" in the sense of "well-rounded" was not going to apply to him. So all the school's arguments that this plan only made him more "lop-sided" did not impress me. I believed that ex-difficult child would do more in 3 hours than in 5.5 and I was correct. He took 3 classes and did his homework at lunch and in one period in the resource room which for him, was a study hall. He never did homework outside of school and never brought books home. It was written into his IEP. In eighth grade, he added a fourth class extending his day by 40 minutes and it worked. He was very efficient with his time which certainly was not true in the years in which he was supposedly doing homework at home.</p><p></p><p>Some of the features you point out were present in my decision: staying in a public school part-time was more "normal" than going into a conservatory at 11 or 12--which one of his classmates at Juilliard did. I've met her and she lacks what I would call the give and take of young adults who have spent time with age-peers. She doesn't lack "social skills" but I imagine she has changed little since she was a young adolescent because she has always been with adults. She is 22 now and seems like she's 35. I intuited that total removal from peers might produce something like the above but a full day was WAY TOO MUCH of the age-peer thing for ex-difficult child to handle in middle school. Part-time school was a good compromise.</p><p></p><p>I do not oppose home schooling for those who can pull it off but for a certain type of child (usually a boy) who does not connect easily, the total loss of contacts outside the home may be problematic.</p><p></p><p>The other thing that is different, of course, about ex-difficult child is not every 12 year old can spend his afternoons contributing to his "professional development." It is easy for people to say now that I did the right thing because ex-difficult child attends one of the most prestigious music trade schools (its true--LOL) in the world. However, I was called a stage mother and worse when I "let" him focus on what he wanted to do at such a young age. I really thought I had no choice because his psychiatrist was predicting we would not be able to keep him at home much beyond age 12 because of the intensity of his ODDness and depression</p><p></p><p>This goes to your final question: research about when to switch to a therapeutic boarding school or other placement. I strongly believe, and the psychiatrist agreed, that sending a young high school student into a structured placement is a WHOLE different thing than with an 11 or 12 year old. I KNOW (but can't prove or cite studies) that difficult child would have felt rejected if he had been placed residentially at 12. His psychiatrist was happy that we could keep him at home for two more years--he just had not thought the chances of our doing so were very good. Of course, the part-time school attendance made it possible in my opinion.</p><p></p><p>The difference is that by 14, the adolescent is CONVINCED his parents are the problem and is quite OK with leaving his terrible home. There is a world of difference between having an adolescent say I need to get out of here compared to sending a dependent, crying child into the care of others.</p><p></p><p>Also a distinction needs to be made between hospitalization (which we almost had to do several times--but it would have been short-term) and long-term placement, i.e., for a big chunk or all of high school. Finally, some people "believe in" boarding school. They think it is a good choice for many non-difficult children. My best friend from college sent her son to boarding school because employment keeps her in a place where the public schools are poor and the private schools are not much better. Her son went to Andover for four years and did not feel punished. He also lived at home until he was 14.5. He is as easy child as it gets and is a senior at Dartmouth.</p><p></p><p>So yes, I think it is better to keep a child at home if possible but send a young adolescent(as opposed to an older adolescent) into treatment or whatever is necessary if you think it is likely to happen sometime. I think some parents wait too long: the younger kids in my son's peer group at ASR did better in general than the kids who were 16 or 17 at placement. It makes sense to me: the older kids had been in high school too long and been exposed to too many things to change easily. Also many of them had acquired drug habits while trying to self-medicate their pain. We managed to avoid this, I think, by earlier placement.</p><p></p><p>I would trust your mommy gut and ask your SD for a "trial" period of part-time school attendance. If it does not work, at least you will have tried. If it does work, it may reduce the stress on your son enough that he is more available to learn.</p><p></p><p>Best regards,</p><p></p><p>Martie :warrior:</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Martie, post: 7105, member: 284"] Dear Chris, As I think you know, my ex-difficult child attended public school part-time in 7th and 8th grades. I also know I have cautioned that in some regards, anyone generalizing from my son's experiences is not a good idea. However, I believe we have corresponded in regard to some similarities our boys share. To me, the key in the decision was two-fold: 1) My son had auditioned at the American Boychoir School, in Princeton, NJ, where the school day is three hours--and the rest is music. He did not want to sing enough to go and I did not think he was ready for boarding school at age 11. However, the audition experience planted the idea in his head that he WANTED to go to school part-time and devote the rest of his time to organ practice (rather than vocal music.) This is not a typical experience for a kid, but it happened and since he is an experiential learner, having the American BoyChoir as a model, helped him know what was right for him. 2. I KNEW by the time he was 11 that "balance" in the sense of "well-rounded" was not going to apply to him. So all the school's arguments that this plan only made him more "lop-sided" did not impress me. I believed that ex-difficult child would do more in 3 hours than in 5.5 and I was correct. He took 3 classes and did his homework at lunch and in one period in the resource room which for him, was a study hall. He never did homework outside of school and never brought books home. It was written into his IEP. In eighth grade, he added a fourth class extending his day by 40 minutes and it worked. He was very efficient with his time which certainly was not true in the years in which he was supposedly doing homework at home. Some of the features you point out were present in my decision: staying in a public school part-time was more "normal" than going into a conservatory at 11 or 12--which one of his classmates at Juilliard did. I've met her and she lacks what I would call the give and take of young adults who have spent time with age-peers. She doesn't lack "social skills" but I imagine she has changed little since she was a young adolescent because she has always been with adults. She is 22 now and seems like she's 35. I intuited that total removal from peers might produce something like the above but a full day was WAY TOO MUCH of the age-peer thing for ex-difficult child to handle in middle school. Part-time school was a good compromise. I do not oppose home schooling for those who can pull it off but for a certain type of child (usually a boy) who does not connect easily, the total loss of contacts outside the home may be problematic. The other thing that is different, of course, about ex-difficult child is not every 12 year old can spend his afternoons contributing to his "professional development." It is easy for people to say now that I did the right thing because ex-difficult child attends one of the most prestigious music trade schools (its true--LOL) in the world. However, I was called a stage mother and worse when I "let" him focus on what he wanted to do at such a young age. I really thought I had no choice because his psychiatrist was predicting we would not be able to keep him at home much beyond age 12 because of the intensity of his ODDness and depression This goes to your final question: research about when to switch to a therapeutic boarding school or other placement. I strongly believe, and the psychiatrist agreed, that sending a young high school student into a structured placement is a WHOLE different thing than with an 11 or 12 year old. I KNOW (but can't prove or cite studies) that difficult child would have felt rejected if he had been placed residentially at 12. His psychiatrist was happy that we could keep him at home for two more years--he just had not thought the chances of our doing so were very good. Of course, the part-time school attendance made it possible in my opinion. The difference is that by 14, the adolescent is CONVINCED his parents are the problem and is quite OK with leaving his terrible home. There is a world of difference between having an adolescent say I need to get out of here compared to sending a dependent, crying child into the care of others. Also a distinction needs to be made between hospitalization (which we almost had to do several times--but it would have been short-term) and long-term placement, i.e., for a big chunk or all of high school. Finally, some people "believe in" boarding school. They think it is a good choice for many non-difficult children. My best friend from college sent her son to boarding school because employment keeps her in a place where the public schools are poor and the private schools are not much better. Her son went to Andover for four years and did not feel punished. He also lived at home until he was 14.5. He is as easy child as it gets and is a senior at Dartmouth. So yes, I think it is better to keep a child at home if possible but send a young adolescent(as opposed to an older adolescent) into treatment or whatever is necessary if you think it is likely to happen sometime. I think some parents wait too long: the younger kids in my son's peer group at ASR did better in general than the kids who were 16 or 17 at placement. It makes sense to me: the older kids had been in high school too long and been exposed to too many things to change easily. Also many of them had acquired drug habits while trying to self-medicate their pain. We managed to avoid this, I think, by earlier placement. I would trust your mommy gut and ask your SD for a "trial" period of part-time school attendance. If it does not work, at least you will have tried. If it does work, it may reduce the stress on your son enough that he is more available to learn. Best regards, Martie [img]:warrior:[/img] [/QUOTE]
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