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<blockquote data-quote="Ehlena" data-source="post: 420347" data-attributes="member: 6097"><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">Marguerite, Ill talk to my husband about the music thing. I do have an ocarina thats here at our house that difficult child liked I bought it for him in Costa Rica. Ill work with difficult childs flexibility in this area. I can tell you already that he will be resistant to trying another musical instrument. I think I may be able to get him to give it a go. Unfortunately he cannot have access to the computer until he is on a certain level. He did have a very nice electronic keyboard, but we dont know what happened to it or what he did with it, and I suspect he may have sold it for money for marijuana. We have loaned a lot of things to him that we now expect we will never see again (laptop, video games, movies, etc.). difficult child always has an excuse when we ask for them back.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">Allan I definitely see what youre getting at (in spite of the punctuation <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> ). Extrinsic rewards only go so far. difficult child definitely loses interest after a short period of time. It has never been a long-term solution. husband and I both have a good relationship with difficult child, though I think there is still a part of him that thinks we are trying to keep him from his mother. I think difficult child loves and trusts us both, but we just cant compare to his mom. husband is really good with Plan B-ing difficult child, but there are a couple things that this just doesnt work on. One is with homework and school. I used to be able to coax difficult child into doing his homework with compromises on when and how and where it was completed, and it was absolutely FINE. A lot of one-on-one attention, but it worked. Small moments of frustration but no meltdowns. Right now difficult child wont hear it. I think part of it is that he simply cant do it. Too much frustration. This is a kid who really needs to be on some sort of medication. The other part is that he is now close to two years behind in school. Hes drowning. Better to just say he doesnt care about it, right?</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">The other thing that it wont work on is living anywhere other than with his mother. difficult child wont hear it, and if you even brush against the subject, he shuts down. Ive built a lot of trust with difficult child over the years before his mom came back into the picture, we were close. I just dont know what to do with that anymore. He wont say he loves me back anymore, but I know he still does. If I tried to mention him coming back to live with us, or that living with his mom wasnt an option bam! I would lose my status with difficult child. husband has told him that he wouldnt ever be going to live with his mom, and look where that got my husband!</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">Weve been doing little things at home to work on his skills in following directions, reading and understanding written directions, knowing when youre finished doing something and how to do a good job with it. Ive been seeing some improvement in those areas we dont want him to grow up and not have any skills. Its really sad how far weve had to lower expectations. We used to have money saved up for him going to college. Now he insists he doesnt want to (he used to be excited about it). My husband just mostly wants him to be able to get a job and live on his own. Right now hes just aiming for difficult child not to end up on the streets or in jail.</span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #333333"><span style="font-family: 'Tahoma'">I think difficult child is definitely emulating his mother. Me, my husband, and the social worker all came to this conclusion independently. The drugs, the acting out, the drinking he used to hate that stuff! Hed tell me how he wished his mom wouldnt do those things and Id comfort him. I think he just wants to be close to her now, in whatever way possible. She comes in and out of his life like a whirlwind, making grand promises, large gestures that were more best-buddy than parental, and then disappearing again. I think he just wants her to stay. Right now, with the courts having her under a microscope, she's been staying in his life. I think part of difficult child feels that if he stops misbehaving, if he comes home, he loses her all over again.</span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ehlena, post: 420347, member: 6097"] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]Marguerite, Ill talk to my husband about the music thing. I do have an ocarina thats here at our house that difficult child liked I bought it for him in Costa Rica. Ill work with difficult childs flexibility in this area. I can tell you already that he will be resistant to trying another musical instrument. I think I may be able to get him to give it a go. Unfortunately he cannot have access to the computer until he is on a certain level. He did have a very nice electronic keyboard, but we dont know what happened to it or what he did with it, and I suspect he may have sold it for money for marijuana. We have loaned a lot of things to him that we now expect we will never see again (laptop, video games, movies, etc.). difficult child always has an excuse when we ask for them back.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]Allan I definitely see what youre getting at (in spite of the punctuation ;) ). Extrinsic rewards only go so far. difficult child definitely loses interest after a short period of time. It has never been a long-term solution. husband and I both have a good relationship with difficult child, though I think there is still a part of him that thinks we are trying to keep him from his mother. I think difficult child loves and trusts us both, but we just cant compare to his mom. husband is really good with Plan B-ing difficult child, but there are a couple things that this just doesnt work on. One is with homework and school. I used to be able to coax difficult child into doing his homework with compromises on when and how and where it was completed, and it was absolutely FINE. A lot of one-on-one attention, but it worked. Small moments of frustration but no meltdowns. Right now difficult child wont hear it. I think part of it is that he simply cant do it. Too much frustration. This is a kid who really needs to be on some sort of medication. The other part is that he is now close to two years behind in school. Hes drowning. Better to just say he doesnt care about it, right?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]The other thing that it wont work on is living anywhere other than with his mother. difficult child wont hear it, and if you even brush against the subject, he shuts down. Ive built a lot of trust with difficult child over the years before his mom came back into the picture, we were close. I just dont know what to do with that anymore. He wont say he loves me back anymore, but I know he still does. If I tried to mention him coming back to live with us, or that living with his mom wasnt an option bam! I would lose my status with difficult child. husband has told him that he wouldnt ever be going to live with his mom, and look where that got my husband![/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]Weve been doing little things at home to work on his skills in following directions, reading and understanding written directions, knowing when youre finished doing something and how to do a good job with it. Ive been seeing some improvement in those areas we dont want him to grow up and not have any skills. Its really sad how far weve had to lower expectations. We used to have money saved up for him going to college. Now he insists he doesnt want to (he used to be excited about it). My husband just mostly wants him to be able to get a job and live on his own. Right now hes just aiming for difficult child not to end up on the streets or in jail.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=#333333][FONT=Tahoma]I think difficult child is definitely emulating his mother. Me, my husband, and the social worker all came to this conclusion independently. The drugs, the acting out, the drinking he used to hate that stuff! Hed tell me how he wished his mom wouldnt do those things and Id comfort him. I think he just wants to be close to her now, in whatever way possible. She comes in and out of his life like a whirlwind, making grand promises, large gestures that were more best-buddy than parental, and then disappearing again. I think he just wants her to stay. Right now, with the courts having her under a microscope, she's been staying in his life. I think part of difficult child feels that if he stops misbehaving, if he comes home, he loses her all over again.[/FONT][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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