THAT is why we detach. Because it makes us feel better. That's the point. Does it mean we love our difficult children any less or want them to be better any less? No. We have to detach because we can't do it anymore and we allow ourselves to detach because we learn that it is better for us and it may be better for them.
I know when I first heard about detachment in Al-Anon I thought, no way, never. Not going to happen. Because I love my son too much for that.
But as I listened and learned and continued being completely miserable and nothing I was doing for him was changing him, my mind began to open. And when I first started it, it was a colder detachment. I didn't know how to detach with love because I had not accepted. I have now accepted (more) but I still judge.
Wow, what a process, right? It's step by step by step by step. Now I can see that perhaps the greatest love is letting him live his own life.
I have heard people say that when we put the focus on us, instead of the alcoholic/addict, there is now room and space for them to start to live their own lives, however that looks. That makes sense to me. As long as I'm going to take care of everything/most things, why should he? Once I stop, he has to learn how to do it (way, way overdue). So it will likely look pretty darn ugly to me for a long while, like it does right now, but hey, it's his life.
Today JKF, my son is still homeless. One might say, why would you need to be homeless 40 days after you get out of jail? (I've thought it, but I haven't said it) I'm figuring that being homeless must not be that bad. If it was, he would change it faster right? He understands the pathway to not being homeless. He has not taken it for whatever reason.
So just for today I will relax in the knowledge that I am good, he is doing what he is deciding to do, he has made some progress that I can see, and who knows what other progress he has made that I can't see. Really, his progress is none of my business.
Mind your own business, they tell us in Al-Anon. I thought that was so remedial when I first heard it said. That's what kids say to each other on the playground, nah, nah, nah.
But it's wisdom. Wisdom going all the way back to childhood that is relevant now.
You are doing great JKF. I would suggest that your son will not starve. If he gets hungry enough, he will do something different. And that one thing different may be the pathway to a whole life of change. Hugs to you this day.
