Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Healthful Living / Natural Treatments
Please help me with my ignorance
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 165593"><p>Sharon - </p><p></p><p>I want to thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts to me. It's been rattling around in the back of my mind all day and it's enabled me (forced me, maybe) to reflect upon things that otherwise I probably wouldn't have. </p><p></p><p>I tend to keep things buried. I don't like to bring it up, rehash it, do the poor me thing. It's just safer, I guess. But, I think, as you said, self-reflection is important in this case because it obviously still has some impact on me. So, maybe it is time to explore the why's in order to get beyond it.</p><p></p><p>So, if you don't mind, I'm going to try to get my thoughts in order here. I find writing things down to be a good way for me to be able to really wrap my mind around them. And if you have any thoughts, suggestions or anything, I welcome them. And maybe it will help someone else, too. Who knows.</p><p></p><p>By the time I was 13, my depression was coming on pretty hard. By 14, I had my first major episode - not diagnosis'd at the time because there was no one to diagnosis it, but I know from what would be future experiences what it was.</p><p></p><p>The pain - for lack of a better word - from severe depression was so....hmmmm...profound, consuming, oppressive and so deep, but I had no way of effectively articulating it. I didn't have the life experience to even be able to understand it myself. I just knew I was miserable and I didn't want to live. I didn't want to breathe. But, I didn't want to not breathe, either. I just wanted it to stop. My mom is one of those 'go for a walk and you'll feel better' people. Totally didn't get it - not until I was in my 30's and I pretty much forced it on her. And it was invisible. There is no tumor or something you can measure on a blood test. And it was so incredibly, devastatingly painful that it <em>needed</em> to have a physical manifestation. So, I quit eating. I remember having a thought along those lines when I was around 15 that maybe if they see that I'm really sick, they'll help me? </p><p></p><p>I didn't have one of those strict anorexic diets where you weigh your food and count every calorie, etc. I just didn't eat for days on end. And I got no enjoyment from food when I did eat. It often made me feel sick when I did eat. And when I did eat, it was small amounts...like a banana for the whole weekend.</p><p></p><p>Strangely enough, this was very empowering for me. This was something *I* could control. And I had the willpower to do it. There was also a part of me that was punishing myself because I didn't feel like I deserved to be...whatever it was I felt like I didn't deserve. I still don't have a word for that. But, the fact that I got to have the say in this was very empowering because the depression had taken so much away from me and I felt so powerless against it.</p><p></p><p>I bottomed out at 93 pounds at 5'4" and it took me 6 months to gain 2 pounds.</p><p></p><p>And then it becomes a habit - learned behavior. And as I got older, I would fall into this old, familiar, comfortable, empowering habit when life became overwhelming. I don't know how much I actually 'forgot' to eat and how much of it I just put out of my mind.</p><p></p><p>I did overcome it as the years passed and maintained a healthy weight. Weight control was never something I had to worry about, though. I didn't watch what I ate; I ate whatever I wanted. </p><p></p><p>I guess in a sense this issue has resurfaced with me. I'm overweight now, so obviously I'm not starving myself. It's just taken a new form. Food is again the enemy. The difference this time is that the food has the power, not me. Interesting.....</p><p></p><p>So, there it is. I'm sure I'll continue to mull this over for a while. </p><p></p><p>Thank you again, Sharon, for letting me explore this. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 165593"] Sharon - I want to thank you for taking the time to post your thoughts to me. It's been rattling around in the back of my mind all day and it's enabled me (forced me, maybe) to reflect upon things that otherwise I probably wouldn't have. I tend to keep things buried. I don't like to bring it up, rehash it, do the poor me thing. It's just safer, I guess. But, I think, as you said, self-reflection is important in this case because it obviously still has some impact on me. So, maybe it is time to explore the why's in order to get beyond it. So, if you don't mind, I'm going to try to get my thoughts in order here. I find writing things down to be a good way for me to be able to really wrap my mind around them. And if you have any thoughts, suggestions or anything, I welcome them. And maybe it will help someone else, too. Who knows. By the time I was 13, my depression was coming on pretty hard. By 14, I had my first major episode - not diagnosis'd at the time because there was no one to diagnosis it, but I know from what would be future experiences what it was. The pain - for lack of a better word - from severe depression was so....hmmmm...profound, consuming, oppressive and so deep, but I had no way of effectively articulating it. I didn't have the life experience to even be able to understand it myself. I just knew I was miserable and I didn't want to live. I didn't want to breathe. But, I didn't want to not breathe, either. I just wanted it to stop. My mom is one of those 'go for a walk and you'll feel better' people. Totally didn't get it - not until I was in my 30's and I pretty much forced it on her. And it was invisible. There is no tumor or something you can measure on a blood test. And it was so incredibly, devastatingly painful that it [I]needed[/I] to have a physical manifestation. So, I quit eating. I remember having a thought along those lines when I was around 15 that maybe if they see that I'm really sick, they'll help me? I didn't have one of those strict anorexic diets where you weigh your food and count every calorie, etc. I just didn't eat for days on end. And I got no enjoyment from food when I did eat. It often made me feel sick when I did eat. And when I did eat, it was small amounts...like a banana for the whole weekend. Strangely enough, this was very empowering for me. This was something *I* could control. And I had the willpower to do it. There was also a part of me that was punishing myself because I didn't feel like I deserved to be...whatever it was I felt like I didn't deserve. I still don't have a word for that. But, the fact that I got to have the say in this was very empowering because the depression had taken so much away from me and I felt so powerless against it. I bottomed out at 93 pounds at 5'4" and it took me 6 months to gain 2 pounds. And then it becomes a habit - learned behavior. And as I got older, I would fall into this old, familiar, comfortable, empowering habit when life became overwhelming. I don't know how much I actually 'forgot' to eat and how much of it I just put out of my mind. I did overcome it as the years passed and maintained a healthy weight. Weight control was never something I had to worry about, though. I didn't watch what I ate; I ate whatever I wanted. I guess in a sense this issue has resurfaced with me. I'm overweight now, so obviously I'm not starving myself. It's just taken a new form. Food is again the enemy. The difference this time is that the food has the power, not me. Interesting..... So, there it is. I'm sure I'll continue to mull this over for a while. Thank you again, Sharon, for letting me explore this. :) [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Healthful Living / Natural Treatments
Please help me with my ignorance
Top