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Please help this grandmother with ADD advice.
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 123803" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hi Rubyzshoes, welcome.</p><p></p><p>You really are in a difficult place. I agree with you, an unsettled home life can cause a lot of behavioural problems at school.</p><p></p><p>When you say "they want to medicate her" who do you mean by "they"? Her mother? Or the school?</p><p></p><p>The school won't want the child medicated if they don't see a need. If she is behaving well at school AND focussing on schoolwork without being too easily distracted or apparently not taking information on board, then they would not lift a finger. They certainly would not have pursued testing. Although just maybe, if the mother really nagged hard. Really hard. Generally though, the problem is the other way around - even when a parent nags and the child's behaviour is obvious, schools often don't request testing when they should.</p><p></p><p>If she is only a behaviour problem/inattentive at home, then again, the school wouldn't interfere. Also, medications are unlikely to help since they mostly work when the child is medicated for school hours. medications are given in the morning (and sometimes during the day, depending on what medications) and will be wearing off at home so home behaviour will seem unchanged.</p><p></p><p>A difficult home life will not cause ADD. But ADD can cause a difficult home life. The tendency to ADD is also hereditary, so if her mother is an undiagnosed ADD then this could explain her current irresponsibility and flightiness. But this wouldn't necessarily be the cause of the problems in your granddaughter, but the heredity itself.</p><p>That is, if it's ADD.</p><p></p><p>Then there's ADHD. Sometimes the terms get used together, interchangeably, incorrectly.</p><p>My two boys have ADHD. They are all over the shop. Bouncing off the walls, climbing on the furniture, never still, unable to stop moving.</p><p>Their sister has ADD (inattentive type). She is quite capable of maintaining an intense focus on one task for hours at a time. Although she can be quite a party animal, she can also be very quiet and reserved. Never bouncing off the walls but instead, a real lady. Refined. Meticulous. But unmedicated, she's very "blonde". Highly intelligent, without her medications she comes across as a total ditz. Also at school, she couldn't remember anything she was taught, if she was unmedicated. The ADD in her case was stopping her memory from being laid down properly. No hyperactivity to speak of and she did brilliantly in school for the first few years, then seemed to hit a brick wall. Looking back, the brick wall was due to the increase in complexity of the work to the point where her brain needed to work harder, past the point where it could without help. For example - she could easily do "2 + 2 = 4" but when it got to 2x + 4 y = ?" she began to have trouble.</p><p></p><p>Let's look at your concern.</p><p>Your granddaughter's home life is less than you would prefer. This may be a bad thing, or it may be irrelevant.</p><p>You seem to indicate she is OK at school. If she really is, then the school won't be pushing for any medications or diagnosis despite the mother's persistence.</p><p>You feel your daughter is not as diligent a mother as she should be. I have no way of knowing - you may well be right. But if the mother is not diligent, then why would she be pushing for a label for her child which is going to mean inconvenience and expense into the forseeable future? A diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is not an easy option, when the alternative is normality.</p><p></p><p>Let's say that the diagnosis is right. (we'll look at the alternative in a minute). If it is, then the medications will make a huge difference to her, hopefully. The medications are short-acting, they will boil out of her system within hours. Such medications when taken as directed for a specific medical condition are not addictive. They are only addictive when they are abused. A doctor who suspects medications are being abused can ask for blood levels to be checked. Too low a level - someone else is getting the medications (ie they could be being trafficked). Too high a level - someone is overdosing, which can't continue for long as the supply is limited by the doctor.</p><p>Once a child is diagnosed ADHD or ADD and medications are recommended, the first thing that happens (for us - I assume it's similar in the US) is the doctor has to apply for permission to prescribe this medication to this patient on an ongoing basis. He may write ONE prescription to see how they go on it, but after that all paperwork has to be submitted, i's dotted and t's crossed.</p><p>Once prescribed, medications have to be bought. They cost. Why take on a long-term regular expense if there's a chance it's not needed?</p><p>If your granddaughter DOES have ADD, chances are the medications will make a big difference for her. If they don't - then other reasons for her problems will be investigated.</p><p></p><p>Now, let's look at your view - that your granddaughter DOES NOT have ADD. Let's say the diagnosis is wrong. She is a problem at home, but mainly due to poor parenting. SOMEONE must have asked for the testing, and if she's really not got any problems, that someone must be her mother. So her mother is looking for a medical reason for the behaviour problems of which she herself is a cause. It's a way of trying to deflect responsibility. But if the child really doesn't have ADD, then the medications are unlikely to make much difference. When this happens, the spotlight will swing back to other possible causes, especially environment. This will take a little time, but not too much.</p><p></p><p>The medications do not cause long-term harm, not like other medications such as steroids. Even an aspirin will cause an increase in blood clotting time that lasts for the life of the blood platelets in the body at time of dosage. Stimulant medications will wash out of her within hours. That's why kids on stimulant medications who really do NEED them, have to take them every day, or they have trouble constantly adapting and readapting to being able to concentrate, or not being able to maintain focus.</p><p></p><p>There could be a number of reasons for your granddaughter's presentation. Even if ADD has been diagnosed, it still may not be ADD, there are always other possibilities. My older son was initially diagnosed as ADHD, even though it didn't explain all his symptoms. And the bloke who diagnosed him later came back to me and tried to say that he didn't have ADHD at all, it was depression as the result of having a parent with a primarily depressive illness (by this he meant me - and I have not had a diagnosis of depression, ever). My physical disability had been re-interpreted by the pediatrician (not his field, not his patient) as a mental illness and cause of my son's problems.</p><p>My son was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.</p><p></p><p>What I'm saying - medicine is an inexact science. Your daughter's heart may be in the right place, she may be frantic in her concerns for her daughter who may have issues at school you're not fully aware of (early presentations as complexity increases - can be subtle at first).</p><p>Or your daughter may be motivated purely by personal selfishness, to maintain her party lifestyle.</p><p>I don't know.</p><p>But I do know this - once your granddaughter is in the system, under the care of a doctor specialising in learning or behavioural difficulties (of whatever cause) - then she is in the system and under independent observation. Sometime, somewhere, the truth will be revealed (if it hasn't already) and the girl will get the help she needs.</p><p></p><p>My suggestion for you - don't fight the decision. You may express scepticism, but if someone has considered that your granddaughter needs help, there is no harm in her GETTING that help. If it turns out to be needless - no harm done. But if she does need help and doesn't get it - problems. And if it's the wrong sort of help she gets - that will be fixed.</p><p></p><p>So for now - love them, that way you stay in the loop and better able to help if things do get worse in any way.</p><p></p><p>And on the topic of doting grandparent figures always seeming to be the last to accept unpleasant truths about their loved ones - a good friend of ours from church, the resident 'grandmother' to all the kids, fought me tooth and nail over difficult child 3's diagnosis when we were considering autism. "Nothing wrong with him!" she insisted. And I recognised that this insistence came from love for him, as well as fear for his welfare. But she had to understand for herself, so I said to her, "ask him about his day at school today."</p><p>She sat him on her lap and said to him, "difficult child 3, how was school today? What did you do?" </p><p>He took his finger out of his mouth and looked outside. "Bird." "Water."</p><p>She could not get a relevant response from him at all.</p><p>But to her still, my kids are perfect. She refuses to accept difficult child 1's diagnosis but accepts his eccentricity calmly. I love her to pieces, but I know there are a lot of things I can't share with her, because it upsets her too much and so she denies it. It's the only way she can cope. She has t define her world as she is prepared to see it - nothing more, nothing less.</p><p></p><p>I do like the suggestion of asking your daughter if you can attend the next consultation. My mother in law was a lot like our friend from church, even more in denial (if possible). So I asked her to come with us. That way, she could ask questions and hear what the doctors said directly, instead of having to work it out from my own version of events.</p><p>If your daughter isn't receptive to this, then the best thing you can do for your granddaughter is to befriend your daughter all over again until she IS receptive. And that isn't always easy.</p><p></p><p>Good luck.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 123803, member: 1991"] Hi Rubyzshoes, welcome. You really are in a difficult place. I agree with you, an unsettled home life can cause a lot of behavioural problems at school. When you say "they want to medicate her" who do you mean by "they"? Her mother? Or the school? The school won't want the child medicated if they don't see a need. If she is behaving well at school AND focussing on schoolwork without being too easily distracted or apparently not taking information on board, then they would not lift a finger. They certainly would not have pursued testing. Although just maybe, if the mother really nagged hard. Really hard. Generally though, the problem is the other way around - even when a parent nags and the child's behaviour is obvious, schools often don't request testing when they should. If she is only a behaviour problem/inattentive at home, then again, the school wouldn't interfere. Also, medications are unlikely to help since they mostly work when the child is medicated for school hours. medications are given in the morning (and sometimes during the day, depending on what medications) and will be wearing off at home so home behaviour will seem unchanged. A difficult home life will not cause ADD. But ADD can cause a difficult home life. The tendency to ADD is also hereditary, so if her mother is an undiagnosed ADD then this could explain her current irresponsibility and flightiness. But this wouldn't necessarily be the cause of the problems in your granddaughter, but the heredity itself. That is, if it's ADD. Then there's ADHD. Sometimes the terms get used together, interchangeably, incorrectly. My two boys have ADHD. They are all over the shop. Bouncing off the walls, climbing on the furniture, never still, unable to stop moving. Their sister has ADD (inattentive type). She is quite capable of maintaining an intense focus on one task for hours at a time. Although she can be quite a party animal, she can also be very quiet and reserved. Never bouncing off the walls but instead, a real lady. Refined. Meticulous. But unmedicated, she's very "blonde". Highly intelligent, without her medications she comes across as a total ditz. Also at school, she couldn't remember anything she was taught, if she was unmedicated. The ADD in her case was stopping her memory from being laid down properly. No hyperactivity to speak of and she did brilliantly in school for the first few years, then seemed to hit a brick wall. Looking back, the brick wall was due to the increase in complexity of the work to the point where her brain needed to work harder, past the point where it could without help. For example - she could easily do "2 + 2 = 4" but when it got to 2x + 4 y = ?" she began to have trouble. Let's look at your concern. Your granddaughter's home life is less than you would prefer. This may be a bad thing, or it may be irrelevant. You seem to indicate she is OK at school. If she really is, then the school won't be pushing for any medications or diagnosis despite the mother's persistence. You feel your daughter is not as diligent a mother as she should be. I have no way of knowing - you may well be right. But if the mother is not diligent, then why would she be pushing for a label for her child which is going to mean inconvenience and expense into the forseeable future? A diagnosis of ADD or ADHD is not an easy option, when the alternative is normality. Let's say that the diagnosis is right. (we'll look at the alternative in a minute). If it is, then the medications will make a huge difference to her, hopefully. The medications are short-acting, they will boil out of her system within hours. Such medications when taken as directed for a specific medical condition are not addictive. They are only addictive when they are abused. A doctor who suspects medications are being abused can ask for blood levels to be checked. Too low a level - someone else is getting the medications (ie they could be being trafficked). Too high a level - someone is overdosing, which can't continue for long as the supply is limited by the doctor. Once a child is diagnosed ADHD or ADD and medications are recommended, the first thing that happens (for us - I assume it's similar in the US) is the doctor has to apply for permission to prescribe this medication to this patient on an ongoing basis. He may write ONE prescription to see how they go on it, but after that all paperwork has to be submitted, i's dotted and t's crossed. Once prescribed, medications have to be bought. They cost. Why take on a long-term regular expense if there's a chance it's not needed? If your granddaughter DOES have ADD, chances are the medications will make a big difference for her. If they don't - then other reasons for her problems will be investigated. Now, let's look at your view - that your granddaughter DOES NOT have ADD. Let's say the diagnosis is wrong. She is a problem at home, but mainly due to poor parenting. SOMEONE must have asked for the testing, and if she's really not got any problems, that someone must be her mother. So her mother is looking for a medical reason for the behaviour problems of which she herself is a cause. It's a way of trying to deflect responsibility. But if the child really doesn't have ADD, then the medications are unlikely to make much difference. When this happens, the spotlight will swing back to other possible causes, especially environment. This will take a little time, but not too much. The medications do not cause long-term harm, not like other medications such as steroids. Even an aspirin will cause an increase in blood clotting time that lasts for the life of the blood platelets in the body at time of dosage. Stimulant medications will wash out of her within hours. That's why kids on stimulant medications who really do NEED them, have to take them every day, or they have trouble constantly adapting and readapting to being able to concentrate, or not being able to maintain focus. There could be a number of reasons for your granddaughter's presentation. Even if ADD has been diagnosed, it still may not be ADD, there are always other possibilities. My older son was initially diagnosed as ADHD, even though it didn't explain all his symptoms. And the bloke who diagnosed him later came back to me and tried to say that he didn't have ADHD at all, it was depression as the result of having a parent with a primarily depressive illness (by this he meant me - and I have not had a diagnosis of depression, ever). My physical disability had been re-interpreted by the pediatrician (not his field, not his patient) as a mental illness and cause of my son's problems. My son was later diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. What I'm saying - medicine is an inexact science. Your daughter's heart may be in the right place, she may be frantic in her concerns for her daughter who may have issues at school you're not fully aware of (early presentations as complexity increases - can be subtle at first). Or your daughter may be motivated purely by personal selfishness, to maintain her party lifestyle. I don't know. But I do know this - once your granddaughter is in the system, under the care of a doctor specialising in learning or behavioural difficulties (of whatever cause) - then she is in the system and under independent observation. Sometime, somewhere, the truth will be revealed (if it hasn't already) and the girl will get the help she needs. My suggestion for you - don't fight the decision. You may express scepticism, but if someone has considered that your granddaughter needs help, there is no harm in her GETTING that help. If it turns out to be needless - no harm done. But if she does need help and doesn't get it - problems. And if it's the wrong sort of help she gets - that will be fixed. So for now - love them, that way you stay in the loop and better able to help if things do get worse in any way. And on the topic of doting grandparent figures always seeming to be the last to accept unpleasant truths about their loved ones - a good friend of ours from church, the resident 'grandmother' to all the kids, fought me tooth and nail over difficult child 3's diagnosis when we were considering autism. "Nothing wrong with him!" she insisted. And I recognised that this insistence came from love for him, as well as fear for his welfare. But she had to understand for herself, so I said to her, "ask him about his day at school today." She sat him on her lap and said to him, "difficult child 3, how was school today? What did you do?" He took his finger out of his mouth and looked outside. "Bird." "Water." She could not get a relevant response from him at all. But to her still, my kids are perfect. She refuses to accept difficult child 1's diagnosis but accepts his eccentricity calmly. I love her to pieces, but I know there are a lot of things I can't share with her, because it upsets her too much and so she denies it. It's the only way she can cope. She has t define her world as she is prepared to see it - nothing more, nothing less. I do like the suggestion of asking your daughter if you can attend the next consultation. My mother in law was a lot like our friend from church, even more in denial (if possible). So I asked her to come with us. That way, she could ask questions and hear what the doctors said directly, instead of having to work it out from my own version of events. If your daughter isn't receptive to this, then the best thing you can do for your granddaughter is to befriend your daughter all over again until she IS receptive. And that isn't always easy. Good luck. Marg [/QUOTE]
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