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PO says monitor
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<blockquote data-quote="Andy" data-source="post: 148498" data-attributes="member: 5096"><p>I agree with you on punishments. I hate that word. I know that sometimes it is needed, but very very seldom. I would use a punishment only for willfull disobedience that cause some serious harm. But still try to figure out why the behaviour happened.</p><p> </p><p>I rather like the word "discipline". Discipline does not stop at providing a consequence to fit the behaviour for that child but includes a teaching component. I am the worse in figuring out proper consequences for an action so I tend to go to the teaching side. "O.K., that was wrong or that didn't work. Let's figure out an alternative. How can you handle this next time?" (not that I am good at that either but I do try) </p><p> </p><p>Creative understanding and brainstorming can be more helpful in stopping a behavior than punishing. These kids are feeling bad enough, they don't need a punishment that furthers tells them they are the bad kid that they are feeling they are. difficult child's need to be reminded that we believe in them. We are their cheerleaders, not their prison guards. We are suppose to open the world to them, not shut them away in unbreakable walls. My son will sometimes say, "I am a bad person, go ahead and punish me." To which I reply, "You are not a bad person. You just need to learn not to do what you just did. Let's talk about it and see if we can figure out something."</p><p> </p><p>So, for your situation with son, it is so promising that he did apologize. That means he has realized that his actions have hurt you (worried you). He also walked away when he was angry - another good step, just have to work on how far to walk. Have you talked to him about what to do when he starts feeling like he did? Let him know that you just want him to be safe and if he needs alone time you will understand. Maybe he can make a doorsign for his room with a code on one side to let you know when he just wants to be alone and a code on the other side that states he has calmed down and is ready to talk. (my 11 yr old son has a teddy bear that says "Hug Me" on it. When he needs me to talk to, he will throw the bear at me and run to his room. That is our clue for discussion time.) You can set a time limit on the "Leave me alone". Let him know that you will check in on him every 15 - 30 minutes (or whatever time you feel comfortable with) just to make sure he is safe but will not otherwise ask questions until he is ready.</p><p> </p><p>One specialist told me my son vomited for attention. I thought, of course he does, he hasn't felt well for several months and is trying to get the attention of someone who can help figure out why he feels like he does. The feelings scared him (he felt like he should hurt himself and didn't want to). It was his way of saying, I am scared, someone help me. I really feel that difficult child behaviours stem from the same, "I am scared. Someone PLEASE help me."</p><p> </p><p>Discipline/teaching is also easier to figure out if you know why something was done. Sometimes we are seeing a situation way different than our kids do so our discipline just confuses them. For example, you wake up to a messy kitchen. Your first instinct may be to get mad and start yelling for whoever did it to clean it up. In the meantime, kid is cowarding in the corner waiting for you to calm down to wish you a happy birthday with a breakfast made by him. If you would have taken the time for ask what happened I am sure your reaction would be different. It would probably be, "Oh thank you! And I would love to help you clean up. We will clean this up together." Once you got mad, it is near impossible to get that joy back that your child was trying to give you with the breakfast. What a burst of the balloon.</p><p> </p><p>I don't know much about monitors, however, I would think you are correct that is a way to deal with the after, not the before and during. You want to teach, encourage your son to recognize and control his feelings, not wait until he acts inappropriately and then try to figure out the punishment as your "professionals" are doing at this point. It shouldn't be, "What did you do about that?" It should be, "How can we help prevent that from happening again?"</p><p> </p><p>We want our kids to not only follow the rules, but to understand why they need to follow them.</p><p> </p><p>Hang in there!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Andy, post: 148498, member: 5096"] I agree with you on punishments. I hate that word. I know that sometimes it is needed, but very very seldom. I would use a punishment only for willfull disobedience that cause some serious harm. But still try to figure out why the behaviour happened. I rather like the word "discipline". Discipline does not stop at providing a consequence to fit the behaviour for that child but includes a teaching component. I am the worse in figuring out proper consequences for an action so I tend to go to the teaching side. "O.K., that was wrong or that didn't work. Let's figure out an alternative. How can you handle this next time?" (not that I am good at that either but I do try) Creative understanding and brainstorming can be more helpful in stopping a behavior than punishing. These kids are feeling bad enough, they don't need a punishment that furthers tells them they are the bad kid that they are feeling they are. difficult child's need to be reminded that we believe in them. We are their cheerleaders, not their prison guards. We are suppose to open the world to them, not shut them away in unbreakable walls. My son will sometimes say, "I am a bad person, go ahead and punish me." To which I reply, "You are not a bad person. You just need to learn not to do what you just did. Let's talk about it and see if we can figure out something." So, for your situation with son, it is so promising that he did apologize. That means he has realized that his actions have hurt you (worried you). He also walked away when he was angry - another good step, just have to work on how far to walk. Have you talked to him about what to do when he starts feeling like he did? Let him know that you just want him to be safe and if he needs alone time you will understand. Maybe he can make a doorsign for his room with a code on one side to let you know when he just wants to be alone and a code on the other side that states he has calmed down and is ready to talk. (my 11 yr old son has a teddy bear that says "Hug Me" on it. When he needs me to talk to, he will throw the bear at me and run to his room. That is our clue for discussion time.) You can set a time limit on the "Leave me alone". Let him know that you will check in on him every 15 - 30 minutes (or whatever time you feel comfortable with) just to make sure he is safe but will not otherwise ask questions until he is ready. One specialist told me my son vomited for attention. I thought, of course he does, he hasn't felt well for several months and is trying to get the attention of someone who can help figure out why he feels like he does. The feelings scared him (he felt like he should hurt himself and didn't want to). It was his way of saying, I am scared, someone help me. I really feel that difficult child behaviours stem from the same, "I am scared. Someone PLEASE help me." Discipline/teaching is also easier to figure out if you know why something was done. Sometimes we are seeing a situation way different than our kids do so our discipline just confuses them. For example, you wake up to a messy kitchen. Your first instinct may be to get mad and start yelling for whoever did it to clean it up. In the meantime, kid is cowarding in the corner waiting for you to calm down to wish you a happy birthday with a breakfast made by him. If you would have taken the time for ask what happened I am sure your reaction would be different. It would probably be, "Oh thank you! And I would love to help you clean up. We will clean this up together." Once you got mad, it is near impossible to get that joy back that your child was trying to give you with the breakfast. What a burst of the balloon. I don't know much about monitors, however, I would think you are correct that is a way to deal with the after, not the before and during. You want to teach, encourage your son to recognize and control his feelings, not wait until he acts inappropriately and then try to figure out the punishment as your "professionals" are doing at this point. It shouldn't be, "What did you do about that?" It should be, "How can we help prevent that from happening again?" We want our kids to not only follow the rules, but to understand why they need to follow them. Hang in there! [/QUOTE]
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