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General Parenting
Poor little brown child...phase
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 386872" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>On the subject of the child feeling different - regardless of colour, adopted kids, especially if the adoption was not from birth, often feel to a certain extent like they don't fit in. My sister adopted two children, each one arrived some months after birth (but less than 12 months). Neither was told they were adopted, but when they finally found out (late teens) they both felt a sense of relief at finally understanding why they had always felt different. And they had been matched to the adoptive family by appearance, so there shouldn't have been the "why don't I look like my brother?" reminders. But despite not knowing, despite being chosen to resemble their adoptive families, both children felt some sense of difference. Mind you, both children are intensely connected to their adoptive families and made no effort to seek out their birth families. husband is keeping a genealogy record of the family and was updating it a fortnight ago (their younger sister's wedding) and both adopted kids sat with him to fill in their own children's birth details. One of them made it clear - the mention of "adopted" in the genealogy record had to be erased. husband has set it now to not show "adopted" publicly, because at some level I think genealogy has to record it, but he understands that this person wanted to make it clear - "I am a member of this family and I want the records to show this."</p><p></p><p>On the subject of other people using the "he is different" to make excuses for his behaviour and say that is the reason - I think the mother has to just get firm on this and say, "Are you refusing to really test this child properly because you are blaming his colour?" It's fighting dirty, but it might make them sit up, take notice and check things out.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 386872, member: 1991"] On the subject of the child feeling different - regardless of colour, adopted kids, especially if the adoption was not from birth, often feel to a certain extent like they don't fit in. My sister adopted two children, each one arrived some months after birth (but less than 12 months). Neither was told they were adopted, but when they finally found out (late teens) they both felt a sense of relief at finally understanding why they had always felt different. And they had been matched to the adoptive family by appearance, so there shouldn't have been the "why don't I look like my brother?" reminders. But despite not knowing, despite being chosen to resemble their adoptive families, both children felt some sense of difference. Mind you, both children are intensely connected to their adoptive families and made no effort to seek out their birth families. husband is keeping a genealogy record of the family and was updating it a fortnight ago (their younger sister's wedding) and both adopted kids sat with him to fill in their own children's birth details. One of them made it clear - the mention of "adopted" in the genealogy record had to be erased. husband has set it now to not show "adopted" publicly, because at some level I think genealogy has to record it, but he understands that this person wanted to make it clear - "I am a member of this family and I want the records to show this." On the subject of other people using the "he is different" to make excuses for his behaviour and say that is the reason - I think the mother has to just get firm on this and say, "Are you refusing to really test this child properly because you are blaming his colour?" It's fighting dirty, but it might make them sit up, take notice and check things out. Marg [/QUOTE]
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