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Positive thoughts about difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Hound dog" data-source="post: 427322" data-attributes="member: 84"><p>While I can see this philosophy working to a point...............I can also see for many (and perhaps the bulk) difficult children it would not work. </p><p></p><p>I'm probably one of the worse at giving someone the benefit of the doubt to the nth degree. And yet I can see where this can trip a parent up in a big way. Yes, on some level we need to be positive with a difficult child......and sometimes that can mean seeking out something positive, no matter how insignificant it may be to someone who doesn't understand life with a difficult child........just to be able to keep going and trying, not to mention hoping.</p><p></p><p>Yet, to blindly tell ourselves to always think their motives to be good and positive ect is just downright foolish.</p><p></p><p>I adored my mother in law with all my heart and soul. She always gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, always told herself his motives were pure..........and he bled her over a lifetime until I drew a line in the sand and said enough. If he wanted to stay married he had no choice but to tell her that for 40 some years he'd been lying non stop to get money from her while he blew money he made on heaven knows what.</p><p></p><p>Some of our kids would rather be successful and adaptive, some of them just plain don't give a flying fig and never will. I had 2 difficult children that did and 1 the jury is still out on. </p><p></p><p>I can be supportive as all get out and still remain firm that certain behavior is completely unacceptable both by me and society at large. I can give the benefit of the doubt........and still watch for signs, such as repeated behavior, that tells me nothing has changed and act accordingly.</p><p></p><p>A person relies on both positive and negative feedback to inform them what behaviors are appropriate and acceptable and which ones are not. With no negative feedback........it's out of balance and does not work effectively, as it tends to send mixed messages. </p><p></p><p>My kids have been taught from the get go that I will always love them, but that doesn't mean that I will always like what they do. I can object/dislike ect a behavior that warrants it, yet still love them regardless. The two are not intermingled. </p><p></p><p>I may have misunderstood what you were trying to say, but what I got out of it was that we should excuse their behavior simply because they are difficult children with a mental diagnosis. in my opinion that is about as wrong as a parent can get. A difficult child has to have motivation to want to change behavior. If there are no consequences for their actions, there is no reason to change those behaviors via medications, therapy, or other means. Without any negative feedback at all.......honestly? I would still be a difficult child. No reason not to be. </p><p></p><p>Our jobs as parents is to prepare them for the real world outside the home, and the real world is not going to care what their diagnosis is, what their past was like, and is most certainly not going to be careful to use only positive feedback with them. </p><p></p><p>So while I do think if we see something positive our kids are doing it's a good idea to pat them on the back for it and say good job...........we also need to be realistic so that our behavior toward them is not sending mixed messages or reinforcing inappropriate, harmful, or even dangerous behavior.......which could actually impede their learning to cope with a mental disorder, addiction, or what have you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Hound dog, post: 427322, member: 84"] While I can see this philosophy working to a point...............I can also see for many (and perhaps the bulk) difficult children it would not work. I'm probably one of the worse at giving someone the benefit of the doubt to the nth degree. And yet I can see where this can trip a parent up in a big way. Yes, on some level we need to be positive with a difficult child......and sometimes that can mean seeking out something positive, no matter how insignificant it may be to someone who doesn't understand life with a difficult child........just to be able to keep going and trying, not to mention hoping. Yet, to blindly tell ourselves to always think their motives to be good and positive ect is just downright foolish. I adored my mother in law with all my heart and soul. She always gave my husband the benefit of the doubt, always told herself his motives were pure..........and he bled her over a lifetime until I drew a line in the sand and said enough. If he wanted to stay married he had no choice but to tell her that for 40 some years he'd been lying non stop to get money from her while he blew money he made on heaven knows what. Some of our kids would rather be successful and adaptive, some of them just plain don't give a flying fig and never will. I had 2 difficult children that did and 1 the jury is still out on. I can be supportive as all get out and still remain firm that certain behavior is completely unacceptable both by me and society at large. I can give the benefit of the doubt........and still watch for signs, such as repeated behavior, that tells me nothing has changed and act accordingly. A person relies on both positive and negative feedback to inform them what behaviors are appropriate and acceptable and which ones are not. With no negative feedback........it's out of balance and does not work effectively, as it tends to send mixed messages. My kids have been taught from the get go that I will always love them, but that doesn't mean that I will always like what they do. I can object/dislike ect a behavior that warrants it, yet still love them regardless. The two are not intermingled. I may have misunderstood what you were trying to say, but what I got out of it was that we should excuse their behavior simply because they are difficult children with a mental diagnosis. in my opinion that is about as wrong as a parent can get. A difficult child has to have motivation to want to change behavior. If there are no consequences for their actions, there is no reason to change those behaviors via medications, therapy, or other means. Without any negative feedback at all.......honestly? I would still be a difficult child. No reason not to be. Our jobs as parents is to prepare them for the real world outside the home, and the real world is not going to care what their diagnosis is, what their past was like, and is most certainly not going to be careful to use only positive feedback with them. So while I do think if we see something positive our kids are doing it's a good idea to pat them on the back for it and say good job...........we also need to be realistic so that our behavior toward them is not sending mixed messages or reinforcing inappropriate, harmful, or even dangerous behavior.......which could actually impede their learning to cope with a mental disorder, addiction, or what have you. [/QUOTE]
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