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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 427703" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi Allan - How are you? </p><p> </p><p>Before I get into any deep tet a tet - so to speak - Can I address the first line of your first post? I have questions and I'd like to start with the first line. (I've posted it here because I'd like to know what you meant by the phrase <span style="color: red">"As a parent I find excuses for the behavior.")</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #ff0000">Do you mean in order to have peace in your life as part of your plan of detachment? </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: #ff0000">Do you mean in order to have a non-confrontational moment with the child who has had bad behavior in moving on from one step to the next part of a solution in that particular situation as part of your problem solving - as in THIS is how you are dealing with "getting over" what the child has done so you can deal with the situation? </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black">The reason I ask is because at this point? I personally have somewhat black and white thinking on right and wrong with anyone. If you have or did a certain thing, and it was wrong - it was wrong. For example I know I am not supposed to steal from the Quicky Mart a pack of gum. There are consequences for my behavior - 'jail'. I go in, I want the gum. I steal it. I don't get caught, go home, my parents catch me. Now at this point if I understand your thinking correctly; you would ignore the why of this - ( I saw the gum, I wanted it, so I took it, and jepordized going to jail) all unimportant so we just say - I took it because I have 'issues'? Then you say what? Let's not do it again, it was wrong and in a nice tone? </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black">I can see the calm nice tone part, because upsetting myself and yelling doesn't get much accomplished but upsetting myself, and the part where I took the gum? Is done. However, sometimes I can attest to the fact that went children do wrong there is a way to get the point across by saying "YOU took the pack of gum, and stealing is wrong, you can go to jail, jail is unpleasant, and can ruin your life for a long time due to a record that will follow you, cause you to have problems getting a good job, and take years to fix." - I can say that, not find excuses for the behavior and still get my point across in a stern, loving voice and not upset myself. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black">Trust me? In my lifetime? Had I stolen a pack of gum? My Mother wouldn't have given me the benefit of anything, made excuses, or allowed any motives - there was just this - "You don't take anything that doesn't belong to you and that's the law." So what were the consequences if you did break the law? Jail. Why was jail such a horrible place? Because home was such a great place - who would want to not ever be there? Now adays it's not so. You have kids that would rather sleep in the park than at home, familes struggle, the grass is always greener, jail is romanticized, gangs are made out to be mysterious and cool, and parents are worn out and too tired to complete discipline necessary to even make a toddler stay in a time out chair for the minutes equal to her age for biting her siblings. It's like a generation of parents who completely lack parenting skills. (sans this board) </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black">Then you throw into the mix - some mysterious rise in mental health issues and Apsies, Autism, Conduct Disorders -and you have the general population we live with here in the US. It's nuts. Plus I'll be the first to admit - I wish I knew then how to be the parent I am NOW. Sad to say - but I'm going to be an awesome Grandma to someone. I spent time on the floor yesterday wtih 4 kids that when I was 25 would have made me nuts - and we played nicely for about 30 minutes and I solved all kinds of problems and hangups and said all the right things to avoid confrontations, and parents near to us were amazed with my mad skills. It came as natural as me writing to you. So I think when you say Now a days? That's the crux of it. But I just wondered why you said "make excuses" ? Then I'll read on. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: black"> One of the things I try to do as a parent is to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, <span style="color: darkorchid">find excuses for the behavior,</span> attribute the best possible motives to behavior according to the facts of the situation. </span></p><p><span style="color: black"></span></p><p><span style="color: black">My gain - when things go wrong - I am emotionally in control and free . Why should I double the suffering - is it not enough that the kid screws that I also need to get upset and suffer. In any case my ability to deal with the situation and be responsive and creative will be limitted by being upset.</span></p><p><span style="color: black"></span></p><p><span style="color: black">Now a days I take things further - think of the kid as somebody special , doing the best they can </span></p><p><span style="color: black"></span></p><p><span style="color: black">Giving a person the benefit of the doubt , not being judgemental is for US , our ability to stay calm.</span></p><p><span style="color: black"></span></p><p><span style="color: black">Allan</span></p><p><span style="color: black"><a href="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/</a></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 427703, member: 4964"] Hi Allan - How are you? Before I get into any deep tet a tet - so to speak - Can I address the first line of your first post? I have questions and I'd like to start with the first line. (I've posted it here because I'd like to know what you meant by the phrase [COLOR=red]"As a parent I find excuses for the behavior.")[/COLOR] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#ff0000]Do you mean in order to have peace in your life as part of your plan of detachment? [/COLOR] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=#ff0000]Do you mean in order to have a non-confrontational moment with the child who has had bad behavior in moving on from one step to the next part of a solution in that particular situation as part of your problem solving - as in THIS is how you are dealing with "getting over" what the child has done so you can deal with the situation? [/COLOR] [COLOR=#ff0000][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]The reason I ask is because at this point? I personally have somewhat black and white thinking on right and wrong with anyone. If you have or did a certain thing, and it was wrong - it was wrong. For example I know I am not supposed to steal from the Quicky Mart a pack of gum. There are consequences for my behavior - 'jail'. I go in, I want the gum. I steal it. I don't get caught, go home, my parents catch me. Now at this point if I understand your thinking correctly; you would ignore the why of this - ( I saw the gum, I wanted it, so I took it, and jepordized going to jail) all unimportant so we just say - I took it because I have 'issues'? Then you say what? Let's not do it again, it was wrong and in a nice tone? [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]I can see the calm nice tone part, because upsetting myself and yelling doesn't get much accomplished but upsetting myself, and the part where I took the gum? Is done. However, sometimes I can attest to the fact that went children do wrong there is a way to get the point across by saying "YOU took the pack of gum, and stealing is wrong, you can go to jail, jail is unpleasant, and can ruin your life for a long time due to a record that will follow you, cause you to have problems getting a good job, and take years to fix." - I can say that, not find excuses for the behavior and still get my point across in a stern, loving voice and not upset myself. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Trust me? In my lifetime? Had I stolen a pack of gum? My Mother wouldn't have given me the benefit of anything, made excuses, or allowed any motives - there was just this - "You don't take anything that doesn't belong to you and that's the law." So what were the consequences if you did break the law? Jail. Why was jail such a horrible place? Because home was such a great place - who would want to not ever be there? Now adays it's not so. You have kids that would rather sleep in the park than at home, familes struggle, the grass is always greener, jail is romanticized, gangs are made out to be mysterious and cool, and parents are worn out and too tired to complete discipline necessary to even make a toddler stay in a time out chair for the minutes equal to her age for biting her siblings. It's like a generation of parents who completely lack parenting skills. (sans this board) [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Then you throw into the mix - some mysterious rise in mental health issues and Apsies, Autism, Conduct Disorders -and you have the general population we live with here in the US. It's nuts. Plus I'll be the first to admit - I wish I knew then how to be the parent I am NOW. Sad to say - but I'm going to be an awesome Grandma to someone. I spent time on the floor yesterday wtih 4 kids that when I was 25 would have made me nuts - and we played nicely for about 30 minutes and I solved all kinds of problems and hangups and said all the right things to avoid confrontations, and parents near to us were amazed with my mad skills. It came as natural as me writing to you. So I think when you say Now a days? That's the crux of it. But I just wondered why you said "make excuses" ? Then I'll read on. [/COLOR] [COLOR=black][/COLOR] [COLOR=black] One of the things I try to do as a parent is to give the kid the benefit of the doubt, [COLOR=darkorchid]find excuses for the behavior,[/COLOR] attribute the best possible motives to behavior according to the facts of the situation. My gain - when things go wrong - I am emotionally in control and free . Why should I double the suffering - is it not enough that the kid screws that I also need to get upset and suffer. In any case my ability to deal with the situation and be responsive and creative will be limitted by being upset. Now a days I take things further - think of the kid as somebody special , doing the best they can Giving a person the benefit of the doubt , not being judgemental is for US , our ability to stay calm. Allan [URL="http://allankatz-parentingislearning.blogspot.com/"][/URL][/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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