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Power struggles and talking back -- need suggestions?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 172002" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Good point, SRL. I think Laurensmyprincess has taken that on board, we've all been kicking a few ideas around with suggestions to discuss it all with the doctors.</p><p></p><p>Laurensmyprincess, with the Explosive Child" methods, you need to get organised at least enough to work out with husband (you did say he sometimes 'loses it' - that can undermine a lot of good progress, at least where his relationship with difficult child is concerned) exactly what it is you want to work on, and what you're not even going to touch. And you do need to stick to it. It also helps to have a strategy in place between you, so you know what to do in the event difficult child's behaviour in a Basket C area moves into unsafe (which makes it Basket A).</p><p></p><p>Once you have reduced your Basket B to only a couple of items, and both recognised that Basket A is VERY small (at the moment, all that should be in Basket A is IMMEDIATE safety - you would grab her to stop her running onto the road in front of a truck, but otherwise not interfere at all if a meltdown is likely) then you should start seeing some improvement.</p><p></p><p>Has husband been able to read "Explosive Child"? Don't be hard on him if he can't get into it for whatever reason - it doesn't mean he's not motivated to help. My husband couldn't either, so what I did - and it really helped me consolidate the information in my own head - I explained it to him myself. NOT in front of difficult child, of course! I also wrote a summary of it, which I shared with difficult child 3's teachers and anyone else who had dealings with him.</p><p></p><p>Her explosive behaviour will continue, but slowly should subside especially with those using these techniques. If there are issues connected more directly to her disability and/or medications, these will complicate the picture. Where there can continue to be problems will be mainly with people trying to be overly strict (old methods) with her, and her resenting this. You may even find some of these people asking you to step in and discipline her (after they have stirred her up for you). You need to be strong when this happens. It's your judgement call, but your connection with your child is more important than soothing the feelings of a more distant friend or relative who would not follow your requested discipline methods. But sometimes you can adapt and work out a compromise.</p><p></p><p>Example: difficult child 3 was sitting next to mother in law in the car. mother in law was verbally 'teasing' difficult child 3, something we'd asked her repeatedly not to do. She has a history of doing this (to husband as a kid, too). Mind games, emotional blackmail as entertainment, often followed by her protest, "But I was only joking! He's got to learn to take a joke."</p><p> difficult child 3 finally responded in a manner mother in law deemed as impolite (although it took a lot of time and he HAD been goaded). mother in law loudly said, "You shouldn't talk to your grandmother like that!" but was glaring in our direction, challenging us to defend her honour and discipline the rude little beast.</p><p>I can't remember exactly what we said, but it was along the lines of, "I'm sorry, mother in law - maybe he was only joking!"</p><p></p><p>Later when we got home and mother in law had been dropped off at her house, we congratulated difficult child 3 on holding his temper for so long, but told him to try to be even more patient with his grandmother in future.</p><p>It was a useful lesson for difficult child 3, because he had been stewing about it for the rest of the trip home, but our response to him showed that we DID understand (and sympathise) and we knew that mother in law was setting a double standard for behaviour, and that this was unfair, but that LIFE is unfair and it's a hard lesson to learn. difficult child 3 had already been punishing himself - we didn't have to add to it.</p><p></p><p>Kids do understand this stuff. Maybe some difficult children take longer to learn it, though.</p><p>My nephew was in the car with his mother when they stopped to buy a sandwich. Their father had expressly forbidden the family to eat in the car, even though he did it all the time. He believed that his wife and his kids would drop food in the car and leave it untidy. So my sister said to her son, "Daddy would be cross with us if he knew we were eating in the car."</p><p>Her son, all of six years old, said, "Don't worry, Mummy. That's just Daddy's way. We will be clean and tidy, I am a big boy now. Daddy's just being silly."</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 172002, member: 1991"] Good point, SRL. I think Laurensmyprincess has taken that on board, we've all been kicking a few ideas around with suggestions to discuss it all with the doctors. Laurensmyprincess, with the Explosive Child" methods, you need to get organised at least enough to work out with husband (you did say he sometimes 'loses it' - that can undermine a lot of good progress, at least where his relationship with difficult child is concerned) exactly what it is you want to work on, and what you're not even going to touch. And you do need to stick to it. It also helps to have a strategy in place between you, so you know what to do in the event difficult child's behaviour in a Basket C area moves into unsafe (which makes it Basket A). Once you have reduced your Basket B to only a couple of items, and both recognised that Basket A is VERY small (at the moment, all that should be in Basket A is IMMEDIATE safety - you would grab her to stop her running onto the road in front of a truck, but otherwise not interfere at all if a meltdown is likely) then you should start seeing some improvement. Has husband been able to read "Explosive Child"? Don't be hard on him if he can't get into it for whatever reason - it doesn't mean he's not motivated to help. My husband couldn't either, so what I did - and it really helped me consolidate the information in my own head - I explained it to him myself. NOT in front of difficult child, of course! I also wrote a summary of it, which I shared with difficult child 3's teachers and anyone else who had dealings with him. Her explosive behaviour will continue, but slowly should subside especially with those using these techniques. If there are issues connected more directly to her disability and/or medications, these will complicate the picture. Where there can continue to be problems will be mainly with people trying to be overly strict (old methods) with her, and her resenting this. You may even find some of these people asking you to step in and discipline her (after they have stirred her up for you). You need to be strong when this happens. It's your judgement call, but your connection with your child is more important than soothing the feelings of a more distant friend or relative who would not follow your requested discipline methods. But sometimes you can adapt and work out a compromise. Example: difficult child 3 was sitting next to mother in law in the car. mother in law was verbally 'teasing' difficult child 3, something we'd asked her repeatedly not to do. She has a history of doing this (to husband as a kid, too). Mind games, emotional blackmail as entertainment, often followed by her protest, "But I was only joking! He's got to learn to take a joke." difficult child 3 finally responded in a manner mother in law deemed as impolite (although it took a lot of time and he HAD been goaded). mother in law loudly said, "You shouldn't talk to your grandmother like that!" but was glaring in our direction, challenging us to defend her honour and discipline the rude little beast. I can't remember exactly what we said, but it was along the lines of, "I'm sorry, mother in law - maybe he was only joking!" Later when we got home and mother in law had been dropped off at her house, we congratulated difficult child 3 on holding his temper for so long, but told him to try to be even more patient with his grandmother in future. It was a useful lesson for difficult child 3, because he had been stewing about it for the rest of the trip home, but our response to him showed that we DID understand (and sympathise) and we knew that mother in law was setting a double standard for behaviour, and that this was unfair, but that LIFE is unfair and it's a hard lesson to learn. difficult child 3 had already been punishing himself - we didn't have to add to it. Kids do understand this stuff. Maybe some difficult children take longer to learn it, though. My nephew was in the car with his mother when they stopped to buy a sandwich. Their father had expressly forbidden the family to eat in the car, even though he did it all the time. He believed that his wife and his kids would drop food in the car and leave it untidy. So my sister said to her son, "Daddy would be cross with us if he knew we were eating in the car." Her son, all of six years old, said, "Don't worry, Mummy. That's just Daddy's way. We will be clean and tidy, I am a big boy now. Daddy's just being silly." Marg [/QUOTE]
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