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General Parenting
Proactive assertiveness instead of reactive aggressiveness or passive aggressiveness
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<blockquote data-quote="SuZir" data-source="post: 613923" data-attributes="member: 14557"><p>This is something my difficult child is working with his sport psychiatric/mental coach and I thought could be of interest also for some people here. The methods they use require quite a bit of motivation and self-awareness from difficult child's part and certainly wouldn't had worked with him just few years ago. But not all teens (even difficult child teens) are quite as immature as he was, so I thought some of you could find these interesting or even useful.</p><p></p><p>difficult child's sport requires certain assertiveness and 'standing your ground.' On the field competitiveness and adrenaline give him the boost to achieve that little better, but off the field those have been few of difficult child's bigger problems his whole life. He has been unable to be appropriately assertive with others and instead either submitted, hold a grudge and back stabbed later, been inactively passive aggressive or, when it all was too much, lashed out in exorbitant way when things have cumulated enough. As you can probably guess, this has caused him lots and lots of social issues. And he has been left feeling wronged and misunderstood and not taking responsibility of his retaliative actions because he felt them justified.</p><p></p><p>These issues have been difficult child's and his sport psychiatric working agenda during this autumn. They work with these both on the field and off. On the field there has been quite a lot of improvement, off... well, it has been bumpy, but I see some progress and I like how these concepts have at least become part of his thought process (according to how he tells about his daily things to me at least) and hopefully turn more and more frequently to actions.</p><p></p><p>The method they have used is again very matter of fact and clear cut. That seems to be how difficult child is best able to handle these difficult emotional things. They have first defined the concepts of proactive assertiveness, reactive aggressiveness, passive aggressiveness and submission and 'letting it go' and what type of actions and thoughts represent which. After that they have gone through lots of real life and imaginary situations and difficult child has categorized which type of reaction his (or the imaginary) response was. After that difficult child has been coming up with the response that would represent the other categories. After lots of those difficult child has been coming up with predictions how the situation goes on after different type of responses.</p><p></p><p>This has been done mostly with the 'worksheets' and difficult child has been writing down his answers. Mostly likely because of the situation (difficult child is abroad and he and his sport psychiatric mostly work online), but apparently also to give difficult child time to consider and think his answers and take his time and not be pressured which easily makes him shut down and give up with things like this. Next step according to difficult child is to start to make those predictions more quickly. To work recognizing and categorizing those different type of choices to quick and automatic reactions, so he could more easily choose an appropriate response to real life situations.</p><p></p><p>difficult child likes his sport psychiatric (and I too) because of his ability to both analyse things and situations that for difficult child tend to appear just a messy and impossible 'problem' and to come up with ways to help difficult child understand those situations in his terms, avoiding all messy and mushy, entangled emotional stuff and turn them to cognitive tasks he can learn to solve.</p><p></p><p>I so hope we would had someone like this guy to help difficult child before. Of course like I said, difficult child wouldn't had been ready or willing to do the work this requires when he was younger. It takes motivation and willingness to do the work and admit he is the one with the problem, not rest of the world (at least not all the time and only the rest of the world.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SuZir, post: 613923, member: 14557"] This is something my difficult child is working with his sport psychiatric/mental coach and I thought could be of interest also for some people here. The methods they use require quite a bit of motivation and self-awareness from difficult child's part and certainly wouldn't had worked with him just few years ago. But not all teens (even difficult child teens) are quite as immature as he was, so I thought some of you could find these interesting or even useful. difficult child's sport requires certain assertiveness and 'standing your ground.' On the field competitiveness and adrenaline give him the boost to achieve that little better, but off the field those have been few of difficult child's bigger problems his whole life. He has been unable to be appropriately assertive with others and instead either submitted, hold a grudge and back stabbed later, been inactively passive aggressive or, when it all was too much, lashed out in exorbitant way when things have cumulated enough. As you can probably guess, this has caused him lots and lots of social issues. And he has been left feeling wronged and misunderstood and not taking responsibility of his retaliative actions because he felt them justified. These issues have been difficult child's and his sport psychiatric working agenda during this autumn. They work with these both on the field and off. On the field there has been quite a lot of improvement, off... well, it has been bumpy, but I see some progress and I like how these concepts have at least become part of his thought process (according to how he tells about his daily things to me at least) and hopefully turn more and more frequently to actions. The method they have used is again very matter of fact and clear cut. That seems to be how difficult child is best able to handle these difficult emotional things. They have first defined the concepts of proactive assertiveness, reactive aggressiveness, passive aggressiveness and submission and 'letting it go' and what type of actions and thoughts represent which. After that they have gone through lots of real life and imaginary situations and difficult child has categorized which type of reaction his (or the imaginary) response was. After that difficult child has been coming up with the response that would represent the other categories. After lots of those difficult child has been coming up with predictions how the situation goes on after different type of responses. This has been done mostly with the 'worksheets' and difficult child has been writing down his answers. Mostly likely because of the situation (difficult child is abroad and he and his sport psychiatric mostly work online), but apparently also to give difficult child time to consider and think his answers and take his time and not be pressured which easily makes him shut down and give up with things like this. Next step according to difficult child is to start to make those predictions more quickly. To work recognizing and categorizing those different type of choices to quick and automatic reactions, so he could more easily choose an appropriate response to real life situations. difficult child likes his sport psychiatric (and I too) because of his ability to both analyse things and situations that for difficult child tend to appear just a messy and impossible 'problem' and to come up with ways to help difficult child understand those situations in his terms, avoiding all messy and mushy, entangled emotional stuff and turn them to cognitive tasks he can learn to solve. I so hope we would had someone like this guy to help difficult child before. Of course like I said, difficult child wouldn't had been ready or willing to do the work this requires when he was younger. It takes motivation and willingness to do the work and admit he is the one with the problem, not rest of the world (at least not all the time and only the rest of the world.) [/QUOTE]
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