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psychiatrist visit today ... difficult child didn't show up
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 647738" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I wish we had a ~ I don't know, a Board angel icon, so the parent could know we had read her post, and that we supported her, though we might not know how to comfort or help.</p><p></p><p>But we don't. So, I wrote this post instead.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>I remember those kinds of things happening so often with our daughter when she was younger, Terry. I would not even be angry at her, most of the time. I was so desperate for someone to help her. I did not realize until I read your post how much of my lifetime was taken up with missed appointments or SWAT teams or Public Health Nurses or Social Workers coming to the house. Or with visits to treatment centers or runaway places, and how bad a mom I felt like, and how ashamed I was.</p><p></p><p>Or visits to the police station.</p><p></p><p>Or to Court.</p><p></p><p>If I could have left that angel icon, I would have done that and let it go at that, but...maybe it is good that I did post. </p><p></p><p>You are tied in so tight with your child at this point, like I was. It never occurred to me that there was somewhere else I might rather be. Even when daughter would not show up, I felt badly for her, for the help we might have been given. If I could do it (I would not have been able to then ~ I would not hear anything but that we could change this for her) but if I <em>could </em>do it, I wish I had been gentler with myself.</p><p></p><p>I spent so much time condemning myself for choices I forbid her to make in the first place and I never got that piece. I took that on, somehow. I wish I could have separated my picture of myself as a mother from the choices my child made. (Against my will, against my advice, against anything and everything I had ever taught or told her.)</p><p></p><p>I just wanted you to know that, Terry.</p><p></p><p>Hold that comfort to your heart, hold it in reserve. Though it is right for us to help our kids when they are young, I wish there were some way for us to know then, while they are young, that what they are doing is not of our doing. </p><p></p><p>I see that so clearly, now.</p><p></p><p>It is after the kids have some measure of independence that the weirdnesses begin. It may be genetics. It may be drug use. </p><p></p><p>But it isn't parenting.</p><p></p><p>We used to tell a story here about a family headed by a single mom. The kids were all from different fathers, and had run drugs and even, pimped for the mom while they were growing up. However many children there were, every one of them grew up to be criminals but one.</p><p></p><p>One child, same mom, same environment, different father, became a bus driver. </p><p></p><p>A bus driver.</p><p></p><p>And he held the job all his life and raised his kids and so on.</p><p></p><p>If I could have known (if I could have believed that true story in relation to my own family) I would have suffered less and come through it sooner.</p><p></p><p>That is what I wish you could know now, while your child is still so young.</p><p></p><p>Whatever this is, it is not happening because of the way you parented him.</p><p></p><p>In fact, I remember a therapist telling me that very thing, now that I think about it. What that therapist told me too was that the good things I had put into my daughter would be the things that would help her when she was ready.</p><p></p><p>I did not want her to be helped when she was ready.</p><p></p><p>I wanted to know how to help her, right then. But the person who had to want to help her was...her. And that is true to this very day.</p><p></p><p>So, that is what I wanted you to know.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 647738, member: 17461"] I wish we had a ~ I don't know, a Board angel icon, so the parent could know we had read her post, and that we supported her, though we might not know how to comfort or help. But we don't. So, I wrote this post instead. *** I remember those kinds of things happening so often with our daughter when she was younger, Terry. I would not even be angry at her, most of the time. I was so desperate for someone to help her. I did not realize until I read your post how much of my lifetime was taken up with missed appointments or SWAT teams or Public Health Nurses or Social Workers coming to the house. Or with visits to treatment centers or runaway places, and how bad a mom I felt like, and how ashamed I was. Or visits to the police station. Or to Court. If I could have left that angel icon, I would have done that and let it go at that, but...maybe it is good that I did post. You are tied in so tight with your child at this point, like I was. It never occurred to me that there was somewhere else I might rather be. Even when daughter would not show up, I felt badly for her, for the help we might have been given. If I could do it (I would not have been able to then ~ I would not hear anything but that we could change this for her) but if I [I]could [/I]do it, I wish I had been gentler with myself. I spent so much time condemning myself for choices I forbid her to make in the first place and I never got that piece. I took that on, somehow. I wish I could have separated my picture of myself as a mother from the choices my child made. (Against my will, against my advice, against anything and everything I had ever taught or told her.) I just wanted you to know that, Terry. Hold that comfort to your heart, hold it in reserve. Though it is right for us to help our kids when they are young, I wish there were some way for us to know then, while they are young, that what they are doing is not of our doing. I see that so clearly, now. It is after the kids have some measure of independence that the weirdnesses begin. It may be genetics. It may be drug use. But it isn't parenting. We used to tell a story here about a family headed by a single mom. The kids were all from different fathers, and had run drugs and even, pimped for the mom while they were growing up. However many children there were, every one of them grew up to be criminals but one. One child, same mom, same environment, different father, became a bus driver. A bus driver. And he held the job all his life and raised his kids and so on. If I could have known (if I could have believed that true story in relation to my own family) I would have suffered less and come through it sooner. That is what I wish you could know now, while your child is still so young. Whatever this is, it is not happening because of the way you parented him. In fact, I remember a therapist telling me that very thing, now that I think about it. What that therapist told me too was that the good things I had put into my daughter would be the things that would help her when she was ready. I did not want her to be helped when she was ready. I wanted to know how to help her, right then. But the person who had to want to help her was...her. And that is true to this very day. So, that is what I wanted you to know. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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psychiatrist visit today ... difficult child didn't show up
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