Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Punishments: What works/what doesnt?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 371856" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>While your husband is reacting out of anger (which is still very understandable, however) then difficult child will be pulling back the other way out of anger and spite. He won't get the message and the harder you punish, the less the lesson will get learned. What is needed is not anger, but calm, considered response from parents. Not easy when you're so angry.</p><p></p><p>Also, if difficult child won't talk to the counsellor, do you talk instead? I would suggest you talk about difficult child in his presence as if he's not there, if he refuses to respond. Make it your own counselling session, if you like. If/when difficult child objects, then tell him it's up to him, if he will take over and use the sessions for himself, you won't have to give just your own perspective on things. </p><p></p><p>What difficult child needs in discipline is not necessarily either harshness or leniency. What he needs is consistency, and justice. Consistency is most important. The lesson of going to the store to buy replacement goods with his own money is one of the best - it is natural consequences. It should have worked. If you feel it did not work, then it is time to totally re-think what is going on. There is no sense punishing someone for something they cannot help, or cannot change. It sounds to me like something else is going on here.</p><p></p><p>The purpose of punishment is to act as a deterrent to the unwanted behaviour. The intent is that the deterrent is going to be greater than the desire to do the wrong thing. But what if he is getting a bigger payoff and high from stealing? Where is he getting the pay-off? Is it a thrill? Is it a sense of superiority over the people he has stolen from? Does he steal good he can use, or does he steal nonsense, stuff that has more trophy value for him than anything else?</p><p></p><p>There is something seriously wrong here, I feel, and your husband's anger is blinding him to the possible worse stuff going on. You two shouldn't be fighting about this, but again - it happens, it is understandable. This is not about blame. Neither you nor husband is likely to be responsible for this. But you both have to be able to work together if there is to be a chance of a solution.</p><p></p><p>If you can, show this post to husband. He sounds like a good man who is frantic to help his son, but doesn't know where to start. This site is for parents, not just mothers, we have dads here too plus partners. My husband lurks here mostly, but reads everything I post and then we talk about it all together. We've found that what you post tends to be a more concentrated distillation of your thoughts, and sometimes gets the message across more effectively, than simply talking it through.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 371856, member: 1991"] While your husband is reacting out of anger (which is still very understandable, however) then difficult child will be pulling back the other way out of anger and spite. He won't get the message and the harder you punish, the less the lesson will get learned. What is needed is not anger, but calm, considered response from parents. Not easy when you're so angry. Also, if difficult child won't talk to the counsellor, do you talk instead? I would suggest you talk about difficult child in his presence as if he's not there, if he refuses to respond. Make it your own counselling session, if you like. If/when difficult child objects, then tell him it's up to him, if he will take over and use the sessions for himself, you won't have to give just your own perspective on things. What difficult child needs in discipline is not necessarily either harshness or leniency. What he needs is consistency, and justice. Consistency is most important. The lesson of going to the store to buy replacement goods with his own money is one of the best - it is natural consequences. It should have worked. If you feel it did not work, then it is time to totally re-think what is going on. There is no sense punishing someone for something they cannot help, or cannot change. It sounds to me like something else is going on here. The purpose of punishment is to act as a deterrent to the unwanted behaviour. The intent is that the deterrent is going to be greater than the desire to do the wrong thing. But what if he is getting a bigger payoff and high from stealing? Where is he getting the pay-off? Is it a thrill? Is it a sense of superiority over the people he has stolen from? Does he steal good he can use, or does he steal nonsense, stuff that has more trophy value for him than anything else? There is something seriously wrong here, I feel, and your husband's anger is blinding him to the possible worse stuff going on. You two shouldn't be fighting about this, but again - it happens, it is understandable. This is not about blame. Neither you nor husband is likely to be responsible for this. But you both have to be able to work together if there is to be a chance of a solution. If you can, show this post to husband. He sounds like a good man who is frantic to help his son, but doesn't know where to start. This site is for parents, not just mothers, we have dads here too plus partners. My husband lurks here mostly, but reads everything I post and then we talk about it all together. We've found that what you post tends to be a more concentrated distillation of your thoughts, and sometimes gets the message across more effectively, than simply talking it through. Marg [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Punishments: What works/what doesnt?
Top