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Question for those who's difficult child is doing better
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 315614" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>WHat has worked for us, is to make it clear that everything we asked the kids to do, was flatmate kind of stuff. We brought in house rules for everybody (including parents) so we all worked cooperatively. For example, whoever cooks doesn't wash up. Since I generally cook, someone else washes up. When the odler kids were home we had a roster for them. The kids could rearrange the roster for themselves if they wanted.</p><p></p><p>Other rules are pretty much what you would get in any shared student household. For example, always let people know where you are going and when you'll be back. This is common courtesy. it also helps everyone to coordinate transport (so only one car does a trip instead of two, if two weren't needed) and we also had the option of saying, "While you're out buying your new shoes, can you pick up some milk and bread on the way home?"</p><p></p><p>Washing - each person had to get their own laundry into the washing tub ready for washing day. I'll ask, "Does anyone have anything they haven't yet put into the laundry?" but generally I wash what's there for me to wash. Anything not where it should be, gets missed.</p><p></p><p>I've also taught the kids how to use the washing machine. Same story - they have to be able to fend for themselves. Cooking - again, they need to learn how to cook. We begin with their favourites. I've put recipes down into a text file and I make sure the instructions are simple enough for the kids to follow. They get lessons in how to cook but I also modify the recipes as I go to make them easier.</p><p></p><p>A really important thing I found - if you want your difficult child to do more chores, it works best if you ask them to work alongside you. You ask for their help and in turn, help them in another chore. Push the cooperative angle rather than the chore angle. Make it clear (especially if you're a single mum) that these things have to be done because there's nobody else to do them. Sometimes I've said to difficult child 3, "You feed and water the hens while I bring in the washing. We can each do our work and talk together if we want. And when the work is done maybe we'll have time for a game."</p><p></p><p>The thing is - if you're constantly busy and always working, then you don't have time to play games with him. But if you can make it clear that having his help gives you more time FOR HIM, then he gts a really good, immediate payoff.</p><p></p><p>Do it as equals, not as parent-child. Try to keep a "cooperative housemate" feel to how you work together. Ask him for ideas to make it more enjoyable. Make it clear (because our kids really don't understand even when we think they should) that you do not work so hard because you enjoy it. I remember difficult child 1 saying, when I had asked him to help cook, that it was not something he wanted to do and that he would rather I did it. I said, "I don't cook your meals because I like it, I cook your meals so you will have food."</p><p></p><p>He really beleived that because I am female and because I'm a mother, that preparing meals for my family was the be-all and end-all of my life, and that if HE did something, eh would be depriving me of pleasure! I'm not kidding - he really believed it!</p><p></p><p>I set him straight, fast.</p><p></p><p>I'm not sure if it's available in the US yet, but we have an application for te Niintendo DS (Lite version too, as well as DSi, I believe) called the Cooking Guide. difficult child 3 has used it (so have I, if it comes to that). It's like an interactive recipe book, but it talks you through recipes as well as responds to voice commands, so you can still "turn the pages" even if your hands are covered in food ingredients. You can search for recipes with specific ingredients, you can adapt the recipe according to the number of serves needed, you can tick off what you already have and it will form a shopping list for you. It really is fabulous for teaching a kid, especially one who is hooked on electronics, how to cook. It also helps with all steps including the planning stages and the shopping for ingredients. We actually bought one for difficult child 1 as a wedding present. Oh yes, and you can bookmark favourite recipes as well as indicate ones with ingredients you want to avoid (ie if you don't like mushrooms it will warn you about a mushroom-containing recipe before you get too far into it). Very useful.</p><p></p><p>But the main things - work towards independence. Keep everything with an air of cooperation and sharing. And whatever rules you make - be sure you also follow the same rules. In other words, You tell HIM when you're going out, where you're going and when you'll be back. Then these rules should become secod-nature for all people living in the same home.</p><p></p><p>When he eventually grows up and leaves home, you want him to be a popular and welcomed house guest and not someone who wears out his welcome and has to move back home with you (just as you're enjoying your new freedom).</p><p></p><p>Oh yes, and teach him to sew, mend his clothes, sew on a button, that sort of thing. Again, needed.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 315614, member: 1991"] WHat has worked for us, is to make it clear that everything we asked the kids to do, was flatmate kind of stuff. We brought in house rules for everybody (including parents) so we all worked cooperatively. For example, whoever cooks doesn't wash up. Since I generally cook, someone else washes up. When the odler kids were home we had a roster for them. The kids could rearrange the roster for themselves if they wanted. Other rules are pretty much what you would get in any shared student household. For example, always let people know where you are going and when you'll be back. This is common courtesy. it also helps everyone to coordinate transport (so only one car does a trip instead of two, if two weren't needed) and we also had the option of saying, "While you're out buying your new shoes, can you pick up some milk and bread on the way home?" Washing - each person had to get their own laundry into the washing tub ready for washing day. I'll ask, "Does anyone have anything they haven't yet put into the laundry?" but generally I wash what's there for me to wash. Anything not where it should be, gets missed. I've also taught the kids how to use the washing machine. Same story - they have to be able to fend for themselves. Cooking - again, they need to learn how to cook. We begin with their favourites. I've put recipes down into a text file and I make sure the instructions are simple enough for the kids to follow. They get lessons in how to cook but I also modify the recipes as I go to make them easier. A really important thing I found - if you want your difficult child to do more chores, it works best if you ask them to work alongside you. You ask for their help and in turn, help them in another chore. Push the cooperative angle rather than the chore angle. Make it clear (especially if you're a single mum) that these things have to be done because there's nobody else to do them. Sometimes I've said to difficult child 3, "You feed and water the hens while I bring in the washing. We can each do our work and talk together if we want. And when the work is done maybe we'll have time for a game." The thing is - if you're constantly busy and always working, then you don't have time to play games with him. But if you can make it clear that having his help gives you more time FOR HIM, then he gts a really good, immediate payoff. Do it as equals, not as parent-child. Try to keep a "cooperative housemate" feel to how you work together. Ask him for ideas to make it more enjoyable. Make it clear (because our kids really don't understand even when we think they should) that you do not work so hard because you enjoy it. I remember difficult child 1 saying, when I had asked him to help cook, that it was not something he wanted to do and that he would rather I did it. I said, "I don't cook your meals because I like it, I cook your meals so you will have food." He really beleived that because I am female and because I'm a mother, that preparing meals for my family was the be-all and end-all of my life, and that if HE did something, eh would be depriving me of pleasure! I'm not kidding - he really believed it! I set him straight, fast. I'm not sure if it's available in the US yet, but we have an application for te Niintendo DS (Lite version too, as well as DSi, I believe) called the Cooking Guide. difficult child 3 has used it (so have I, if it comes to that). It's like an interactive recipe book, but it talks you through recipes as well as responds to voice commands, so you can still "turn the pages" even if your hands are covered in food ingredients. You can search for recipes with specific ingredients, you can adapt the recipe according to the number of serves needed, you can tick off what you already have and it will form a shopping list for you. It really is fabulous for teaching a kid, especially one who is hooked on electronics, how to cook. It also helps with all steps including the planning stages and the shopping for ingredients. We actually bought one for difficult child 1 as a wedding present. Oh yes, and you can bookmark favourite recipes as well as indicate ones with ingredients you want to avoid (ie if you don't like mushrooms it will warn you about a mushroom-containing recipe before you get too far into it). Very useful. But the main things - work towards independence. Keep everything with an air of cooperation and sharing. And whatever rules you make - be sure you also follow the same rules. In other words, You tell HIM when you're going out, where you're going and when you'll be back. Then these rules should become secod-nature for all people living in the same home. When he eventually grows up and leaves home, you want him to be a popular and welcomed house guest and not someone who wears out his welcome and has to move back home with you (just as you're enjoying your new freedom). Oh yes, and teach him to sew, mend his clothes, sew on a button, that sort of thing. Again, needed. Marg [/QUOTE]
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