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Question: What has life been like for you after the difficult child era is over?
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 545586" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses, I appreciate it and they're all very helpful. I had my therapist lead codependency support group last night and I talked about this issue of the 'post difficult child time.' I thought it interesting that the therapist said, "now the REAL work begins." I have to say, I bristled at that given all the hard work that I've done going through the detaching and accepting phases, but I kept an open mind to her and listened to what was said.</p><p></p><p>It makes sense to me that after years, or decades of waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on eggshells, being on high alert, holding the never ending vigil, one doesn't just drop that overnight. I am in the midst of all of that, I have times where I don't think of her and times when I feel real sadness of how her life has turned out. I think, as Nomad said, the grief and loss diminish over time and become less, I can already feel that happening day by day. I don't want to bury the feelings so they surface in other weird ways, I want to express them and walk through them to the other side. And, my role as caregiver, rescuer, enabler, whatever you want to call what I was, is over now. It's kind of like a retirement from a full time job! I have time, I have energy, and I have ideas, I'm just not in a position right now to act on anything. Feels a bit like that hallway I've heard mentioned in groups, where you close one door and before another opens, you're in that long hallway of options. </p><p></p><p>I've set good, strong boundaries with my difficult child. I've detached as much as I can and accepted the simple truth of just what is. I think in that acceptance is where the grief is too, the knowledge that there isn't anything I can really do about it, whatever my daughter does from this point on is ALL up to her. I have no more part in it. I am training my brain to just not go down those paths it's so used to speeding along on. The care of her is up to her, I am OUT of the loop now. It's not only external time that I have more of, but my thoughts, so used to being about her, are now being programed into different realms. So, in addition to the obvious changes, much goes on internally to refocus my attention. I read once that "what you focus on expands" and I was hyper-focused on my difficult child and those thoughts sure did expand! So, now my focus is on me, granddaughter, SO, where to go from here, travel, just the day to day stuff of life.</p><p></p><p>I also had that weird episode on Sunday with the overdose of Albuterol in the woods which left me with a sense of the fragility of life. Then the Colorado tragedy, which involves a kid likely suffering from a mental illness (like so many in my family, including my daughter) and the sense of not only the fragility but the preciousness of life looms large for me right now. I'm reading the book, The Power of Now, which is wonderful and speaks to staying in the present moment, not the past, not the future, right here now. That practice is helping me a lot right now. </p><p></p><p>I appreciate what you said Nomad, "all sorts of hard stages." I understand that better today. This is a whole new landscape, not simply let go and then there's peace and singing show tunes, but a transition of rather epic proportions, something I hadn't really anticipated, but am clearly in the middle of right now.</p><p></p><p>SO, granddaughter and I are heading out to Kauai on Tuesday, it ends up being really perfect timing to just relax and BE. It should be a fun experience for all of us and I'm so looking forward to it. </p><p></p><p>It's a process. It took awhile for me to get into the difficult child game of life and it may take a little while to get out of it too. It's also healing my own codependency, not just in relationship to my difficult child, but my relationship to life in general and the changes now of acceptance of self, love of self, redefining self care and what selfishness really is. </p><p></p><p>I'm still interested in your thoughts, memories, how it all looked to you and what your 'bumps' along the way were, your experience is helpful and reassuring to me. Thanks for your support, as always, I am so grateful to all of you.......</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 545586, member: 13542"] Thank you everyone for your thoughtful responses, I appreciate it and they're all very helpful. I had my therapist lead codependency support group last night and I talked about this issue of the 'post difficult child time.' I thought it interesting that the therapist said, "now the REAL work begins." I have to say, I bristled at that given all the hard work that I've done going through the detaching and accepting phases, but I kept an open mind to her and listened to what was said. It makes sense to me that after years, or decades of waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on eggshells, being on high alert, holding the never ending vigil, one doesn't just drop that overnight. I am in the midst of all of that, I have times where I don't think of her and times when I feel real sadness of how her life has turned out. I think, as Nomad said, the grief and loss diminish over time and become less, I can already feel that happening day by day. I don't want to bury the feelings so they surface in other weird ways, I want to express them and walk through them to the other side. And, my role as caregiver, rescuer, enabler, whatever you want to call what I was, is over now. It's kind of like a retirement from a full time job! I have time, I have energy, and I have ideas, I'm just not in a position right now to act on anything. Feels a bit like that hallway I've heard mentioned in groups, where you close one door and before another opens, you're in that long hallway of options. I've set good, strong boundaries with my difficult child. I've detached as much as I can and accepted the simple truth of just what is. I think in that acceptance is where the grief is too, the knowledge that there isn't anything I can really do about it, whatever my daughter does from this point on is ALL up to her. I have no more part in it. I am training my brain to just not go down those paths it's so used to speeding along on. The care of her is up to her, I am OUT of the loop now. It's not only external time that I have more of, but my thoughts, so used to being about her, are now being programed into different realms. So, in addition to the obvious changes, much goes on internally to refocus my attention. I read once that "what you focus on expands" and I was hyper-focused on my difficult child and those thoughts sure did expand! So, now my focus is on me, granddaughter, SO, where to go from here, travel, just the day to day stuff of life. I also had that weird episode on Sunday with the overdose of Albuterol in the woods which left me with a sense of the fragility of life. Then the Colorado tragedy, which involves a kid likely suffering from a mental illness (like so many in my family, including my daughter) and the sense of not only the fragility but the preciousness of life looms large for me right now. I'm reading the book, The Power of Now, which is wonderful and speaks to staying in the present moment, not the past, not the future, right here now. That practice is helping me a lot right now. I appreciate what you said Nomad, "all sorts of hard stages." I understand that better today. This is a whole new landscape, not simply let go and then there's peace and singing show tunes, but a transition of rather epic proportions, something I hadn't really anticipated, but am clearly in the middle of right now. SO, granddaughter and I are heading out to Kauai on Tuesday, it ends up being really perfect timing to just relax and BE. It should be a fun experience for all of us and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a process. It took awhile for me to get into the difficult child game of life and it may take a little while to get out of it too. It's also healing my own codependency, not just in relationship to my difficult child, but my relationship to life in general and the changes now of acceptance of self, love of self, redefining self care and what selfishness really is. I'm still interested in your thoughts, memories, how it all looked to you and what your 'bumps' along the way were, your experience is helpful and reassuring to me. Thanks for your support, as always, I am so grateful to all of you....... [/QUOTE]
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