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Raising PCs When You Have a difficult child in the family
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 598946" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>This topic really interests me. I guess from being on different sides at different times.</p><p></p><p>Dixie, this is NOT about the age of the children. in my opinion it is a topic that is rarely talked about and I believe that most parents of difficult child, esp the Warrior Parents, think, worry and feel tremendous guilt over this in silence. When we do something we truly enjoy with our easy child, we feel bad because difficult child isn't there, because it is so easy and usually enjoyable to do things, esp fun things, with easy child and such a different experience with difficult child. Not always a bad or even lesser experience with difficult child, just a very different one, Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>This forum is one of the only places I have EVER felt comfortable about those feelings. A therapist helped, but other parents who had been there done that helped a LOT more. </p><p></p><p>A few of the things we have done to try to make sure everyone's needs are met is to make sure that husband and I EACH have some time all alone periodically. It isn't formal anymore, but we do each try to take the kids somewhere so the other can recharge. sure, it isn't doing anything with the easy child kids separately, but a recharged parent does a MUCH better job. We found there was a lot less bickering between the kids if we did this. I have had a few tdocs and a psychiatrist tell me this time alone is important for us, but it doesn't help our children. They are dead wrong, in my opinion. </p><p></p><p>I do think my kids suffered in some ways from growing up with a difficult child and a difficult child-uncle (a guncle? a gfuncle?). They also developed insights and strengths that they would not have gotten with-o the difficult child influence. They learned to stand up for themselves, they learned to read other people's emotions to a degree they otherwise might not, they learned compassion, and they got help for their problems from a mom who would go toe to toe with any 'expert' if something was wrong or needed and the 'expert' was a roadblock. They learned to do research to learn things ('Mom, what does this mean?' "Look it up" 'Mom, how do I do this?' "Read the directions" 'What directions' "The ones in the package or the ones you find online when you search directions for 'this'"), and they learned that if they could read the instructions, apply common sense (that is usually FAR from a natural skill, at least for my boys, lol), and think, they could do ANYTHING. Well, except for some biological stuff. They also got help wth things when they needed it and I was a much better advocate for them than I was for Wiz in the beginning. </p><p></p><p>I actually think J would have been treated for inattentive adhd rather than epilepsy if it wasn't for things I learned here. I hadn't realized that in the early days of treating adhd the protocol said that each child needed an eeg before stims could be rx'd. he day we came home because I told him that her epilepsy diagnosis was due to him. At first he thought he did something to cause the epilepsy. When I explained that nothing he did could cause it, but that by learning about his problems I learned that the eeg could be crucial before taking medications for adhd. That the adhd medications can cause seizures if you have a seizure disorder and because we asked for the eeg we were able to save her from having the wrong treatment that could make things worse. He had the proudest smile because his problems helped keep his little sister safe, and we had focused a lot on siblings keeping each other safe instead of hurting them.</p><p></p><p>I did make some decisions for/about Wiz based on my refusal to allow my children to be treated the way I was as a child. I was not believed when I told my parents many many things. Those that were too aparent to be hidden were written off as something else that would 'pass' or as 'normal' teen behavior. It was incredibly upsetting as I knew that he was manipulating them into believing some bogus explanation or that it was not what it clearly was. Or that it was all my fault because if I had told them earlier then he would not have been doing it. Yes, I got blamed that he went out and got drunk or he broke something because I did not tell someone sooner. Not because he did it, not at ALL.</p><p></p><p>I swore that if I had a difficult child he would get help as soon as possible, and that I would not pretend things didn't happen or ignore it if he hurt his siblings. NOT to interfere with every squabble, but hurting each other was not going to happen if I could stop it. I think they all benefited from that, and from knowing that I would believe them and not turn everything around to make them responsible or scapegoats for each other.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 598946, member: 1233"] This topic really interests me. I guess from being on different sides at different times. Dixie, this is NOT about the age of the children. in my opinion it is a topic that is rarely talked about and I believe that most parents of difficult child, esp the Warrior Parents, think, worry and feel tremendous guilt over this in silence. When we do something we truly enjoy with our easy child, we feel bad because difficult child isn't there, because it is so easy and usually enjoyable to do things, esp fun things, with easy child and such a different experience with difficult child. Not always a bad or even lesser experience with difficult child, just a very different one, Know what I mean?? This forum is one of the only places I have EVER felt comfortable about those feelings. A therapist helped, but other parents who had been there done that helped a LOT more. A few of the things we have done to try to make sure everyone's needs are met is to make sure that husband and I EACH have some time all alone periodically. It isn't formal anymore, but we do each try to take the kids somewhere so the other can recharge. sure, it isn't doing anything with the easy child kids separately, but a recharged parent does a MUCH better job. We found there was a lot less bickering between the kids if we did this. I have had a few tdocs and a psychiatrist tell me this time alone is important for us, but it doesn't help our children. They are dead wrong, in my opinion. I do think my kids suffered in some ways from growing up with a difficult child and a difficult child-uncle (a guncle? a gfuncle?). They also developed insights and strengths that they would not have gotten with-o the difficult child influence. They learned to stand up for themselves, they learned to read other people's emotions to a degree they otherwise might not, they learned compassion, and they got help for their problems from a mom who would go toe to toe with any 'expert' if something was wrong or needed and the 'expert' was a roadblock. They learned to do research to learn things ('Mom, what does this mean?' "Look it up" 'Mom, how do I do this?' "Read the directions" 'What directions' "The ones in the package or the ones you find online when you search directions for 'this'"), and they learned that if they could read the instructions, apply common sense (that is usually FAR from a natural skill, at least for my boys, lol), and think, they could do ANYTHING. Well, except for some biological stuff. They also got help wth things when they needed it and I was a much better advocate for them than I was for Wiz in the beginning. I actually think J would have been treated for inattentive adhd rather than epilepsy if it wasn't for things I learned here. I hadn't realized that in the early days of treating adhd the protocol said that each child needed an eeg before stims could be rx'd. he day we came home because I told him that her epilepsy diagnosis was due to him. At first he thought he did something to cause the epilepsy. When I explained that nothing he did could cause it, but that by learning about his problems I learned that the eeg could be crucial before taking medications for adhd. That the adhd medications can cause seizures if you have a seizure disorder and because we asked for the eeg we were able to save her from having the wrong treatment that could make things worse. He had the proudest smile because his problems helped keep his little sister safe, and we had focused a lot on siblings keeping each other safe instead of hurting them. I did make some decisions for/about Wiz based on my refusal to allow my children to be treated the way I was as a child. I was not believed when I told my parents many many things. Those that were too aparent to be hidden were written off as something else that would 'pass' or as 'normal' teen behavior. It was incredibly upsetting as I knew that he was manipulating them into believing some bogus explanation or that it was not what it clearly was. Or that it was all my fault because if I had told them earlier then he would not have been doing it. Yes, I got blamed that he went out and got drunk or he broke something because I did not tell someone sooner. Not because he did it, not at ALL. I swore that if I had a difficult child he would get help as soon as possible, and that I would not pretend things didn't happen or ignore it if he hurt his siblings. NOT to interfere with every squabble, but hurting each other was not going to happen if I could stop it. I think they all benefited from that, and from knowing that I would believe them and not turn everything around to make them responsible or scapegoats for each other. [/QUOTE]
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