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The Watercooler
Ran into old acquaintance last night
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 335273" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>klmno, </p><p></p><p>It sounds like the man doesn't have a wife because she wouldn't agree with him. Perhaps that's what he is looking for in a relationship? I'll be your friend if you agree with me. I'm glad you stood your ground, yet listened. That's what a good friend does despite the cost. It's a shame that he couldn't see that. Maybe he did, just didn't want to admit it? Hard to tell. The bad thing is he wants help for his son, but again -on HIS terms. I didn't hear him say that his son wants the help. </p><p></p><p>I know for all the years that my x was [and still is] a hard core addict I used to think if we could move [moved 44 times in 11 years] or get away from the friends, the element, the influences? We could have a new start. You can't move from "it" - because the it is "you" when you're an addict. If you want "it" "you" know where to go, around what areas, around what kinds of places, and people and you will find it without much trying. Sadly -each time he begged or swore it would be different? I believed him for the first few moves, then after a while I wanted to believe him but just went along with it, and eventually I figured out that he was moving us around because he owed people money, or had been threatened, had his family threatened to be killed or in some twisted drug-addled moment of delusion I wanted to believe that HE believed the next move would surely help. </p><p></p><p>As far as rehabs go? Well, I know there are some good ones, but I could tell you stories that would curl the hair on your toes. Most of the places do not care if you check yourself out and then test positive. They get paid by the state either way. Quite a few of the places are smack IN the middle of drug central. Walk out, get a fix, walk back in - go to a meeting, go to lunch, walk out - get another fix....walk back in - go to a meeting, go to supper, walk out - get another fix....go to dinner...and so on. I know because while we were thinking "Wow you never looked better." My x was on his third rehab, I was begging for money, working 3 jobs, and I took lunch one day just in time to watch him leave, walk across the street, take a hit, smoke it, and walk back. When I went for visitation that night? Eyes as big as saucers, smiling, happy, just like nothing ever happened. </p><p></p><p>If you do talk to your friend - Tell him from me the best education I got about how to help myself and my x - came from narcanon meetings. Listening to the people in there talk about how THEY really felt about people like me who wanted to help people like THEM when they were high? Made me mad as hell. Made me so mad, it took all the sympathy out of my veins, and replaced it with tough love. Tough love was eventually replaced with common sense. Common sense was eventually replaced with forgiveness. Forgiveness was eventually replaced with empathy. Then nothing. Nothing - leaves me with peace in my heart and soul. That leaves me with time to pray for that person which is what I feel is all I can do that really helps - because I did try everything else on this earth and heaven to help - and at 55 years old? He's still smoking, banging, speedballing, cooking, drinking, abusing, stealing.....he has no wife, child, home, nearly no friends, family. No place to live, no job, no car. No clothes that are his own....heck he had to borrow shoes. And STILL would rather have the drug than stop. You can't fix that. You can't stop that. You can not do anything about that except save yourself and heal your wounds - and if your friend starts now? It will just give him longer to heal wounds that are going to hurt forever because it's his son. It sounds like that's what his Mom is doing. I'm sure she's in pain too. </p><p></p><p>Nothing good ever comes from a family torn apart like this. I'm really sorry for your friend & his family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 335273, member: 4964"] klmno, It sounds like the man doesn't have a wife because she wouldn't agree with him. Perhaps that's what he is looking for in a relationship? I'll be your friend if you agree with me. I'm glad you stood your ground, yet listened. That's what a good friend does despite the cost. It's a shame that he couldn't see that. Maybe he did, just didn't want to admit it? Hard to tell. The bad thing is he wants help for his son, but again -on HIS terms. I didn't hear him say that his son wants the help. I know for all the years that my x was [and still is] a hard core addict I used to think if we could move [moved 44 times in 11 years] or get away from the friends, the element, the influences? We could have a new start. You can't move from "it" - because the it is "you" when you're an addict. If you want "it" "you" know where to go, around what areas, around what kinds of places, and people and you will find it without much trying. Sadly -each time he begged or swore it would be different? I believed him for the first few moves, then after a while I wanted to believe him but just went along with it, and eventually I figured out that he was moving us around because he owed people money, or had been threatened, had his family threatened to be killed or in some twisted drug-addled moment of delusion I wanted to believe that HE believed the next move would surely help. As far as rehabs go? Well, I know there are some good ones, but I could tell you stories that would curl the hair on your toes. Most of the places do not care if you check yourself out and then test positive. They get paid by the state either way. Quite a few of the places are smack IN the middle of drug central. Walk out, get a fix, walk back in - go to a meeting, go to lunch, walk out - get another fix....walk back in - go to a meeting, go to supper, walk out - get another fix....go to dinner...and so on. I know because while we were thinking "Wow you never looked better." My x was on his third rehab, I was begging for money, working 3 jobs, and I took lunch one day just in time to watch him leave, walk across the street, take a hit, smoke it, and walk back. When I went for visitation that night? Eyes as big as saucers, smiling, happy, just like nothing ever happened. If you do talk to your friend - Tell him from me the best education I got about how to help myself and my x - came from narcanon meetings. Listening to the people in there talk about how THEY really felt about people like me who wanted to help people like THEM when they were high? Made me mad as hell. Made me so mad, it took all the sympathy out of my veins, and replaced it with tough love. Tough love was eventually replaced with common sense. Common sense was eventually replaced with forgiveness. Forgiveness was eventually replaced with empathy. Then nothing. Nothing - leaves me with peace in my heart and soul. That leaves me with time to pray for that person which is what I feel is all I can do that really helps - because I did try everything else on this earth and heaven to help - and at 55 years old? He's still smoking, banging, speedballing, cooking, drinking, abusing, stealing.....he has no wife, child, home, nearly no friends, family. No place to live, no job, no car. No clothes that are his own....heck he had to borrow shoes. And STILL would rather have the drug than stop. You can't fix that. You can't stop that. You can not do anything about that except save yourself and heal your wounds - and if your friend starts now? It will just give him longer to heal wounds that are going to hurt forever because it's his son. It sounds like that's what his Mom is doing. I'm sure she's in pain too. Nothing good ever comes from a family torn apart like this. I'm really sorry for your friend & his family. [/QUOTE]
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