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General Parenting
Rant #2 Teacher and Rentention Issue (Ms Q)
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 146337" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>OK, my reply here is probably going to cover both rants together, since what has worked for me is managing things holistically ie the family is a unit; whatever affects one, affects all.</p><p></p><p>The various meetings, misunderstandings, miscommunications etc - frustrating. I would be setting the meeting date and time with the school as an urgent priority. Go to the school with your lunch pack, a thermos of coffee, your knitting and a good book. Be a pain in the neck - tell them that due to the obvious, major misunderstandings you require a meeting on this with as many people as can make it, preferably by close of day. Any bigwigs who are only available once a month can go fly a kite, they're clearly too overloaded work-wise to be of much use anyway.</p><p>(and if they tell you that such short notice is impossible, remind them that they had the expectation that you would comply with this; so surely, this is how they work?)</p><p></p><p>I know this is unreasonable, but it is unreason in the direction of doing something about the lack of meeting, rather than what has been happening to date (also unreasonable).</p><p></p><p>Be prepared to be talked out of insisting on a meeting for that day, but because you're now making it clear you want this meeting as an urgent priority, you need to be available on the date they 'persuade' you to agree on.</p><p></p><p>That should sort things for Dude, at least.</p><p></p><p>As for Ms Q, the poor kid IS confused. Not "confused and not confused at the same time". If she 'knows' she isn't getting promoted, yet at the same time can tell you what classes she will be taking - she is confused. This is not fair on her, definitely not fair on you. Again, an urgent meting is required (see above procedure for getting them to DO something, fast). At that meeting - you, your support person, the teacher who is causing all this confusion, that teacher's boss, school counsellor and/or psychologist who has been working with Ms Q. Agenda of meeting - what is the plan for Ms Q, that we all can agree on? How do we now deal with the miscommunication and confusion that has resulted? Now how do we deal with the areas of concern for her academically and socially? Also, you need to project further - what will be the recommendations if she doesn't make sufficient progress in the next year? Is there an alternative placement (other than mainstream middle school)?</p><p></p><p>I strongly recommend with both kids, the use of a Communication Book. I know emails are used increasingly these days but a book keeps it all together, you can easily flick back through pages to see any past patterns. People CAN do this with emails, but generally don't. Also a lot of people delete old emails, very few people file them for perpetuity the way husband & I do. Emails can sometimes be modified after the event (which allows someone to claim you were told something when in fact you were not).</p><p></p><p>A Communication Book should be available to both teachers and parents to be written in on a daily basis. It is not the child's responsibility in any way, although the book does travel in the child's schoolbag. But the teacher and parents, not the child, must put the book in the child's bag and remove it for writing/reading at first opportunity.</p><p></p><p>We went down this road so many times - and the wheels fell off in so many ways, mostly when the Communication Book was not being used properly. We would get teachers trying to wean us off the use of the book, feeling that difficult child 3 was doing so much better now and we could ease back on communication. I mean, really! "Wean us off" - as if we, the parents, were toddlers still drinking from a bottle?</p><p></p><p>At the meetings someone needs to take minutes. What is needed - a list of agreed outcomes, to be available by end of meeting (even if only available as rough hand-written notes). After your meetings, you need copies of these notes, perhaps to be replaced by tidier copy when it is available. This needs to be signed off on by you and those present, to indicate agreement. You can try to insist this happens, they can refuse, but if you point out that it may be the only way to make sure people stick to what they agreed on plus there is now a history of non-compliance by school staff (and are THEY going to put themselves on detention?) then maybe you might get somewhere.</p><p></p><p>Believe it or not, you can still do this in a friendly manner. This is merely insisting on efficiency and compliance. This, after all, is what they want from your child, so surely the school can set an example here?</p><p></p><p>As for your teen queen, Ms Emo, we do so often neglect our older kids and our PCs, when we find ourselves stretched to the limit and beyond. Give her the reassurance she needs. And from my own experience, when kids hit their mid-teens parental intimacy often goes out the window. We had to put rules in place - when the parents' bedroom door is shut, do not open it and walk in or you might be mentally scarred for life. If you absolutely MUST, you may knock. Be prepared to be growled at.</p><p>With husband & me, the kids will knock fairly readily if the light is on (they can see it under the door) and they hear conversation. But if the light is off, they will leave us alone unless the house is on fire.</p><p></p><p>But our older kids have each other. Ms Emo is on her own. She may need a lot more reassurance than the others. With your health problems on top of everything else, she is probably holding a lot inside that is really eating at her.</p><p></p><p>Strong recommendations now - first, post about this in Special Education forum. There are probably legal procedures they can advise you on, which I cannot.</p><p>Second - in your dealings with the school from now on, insist on efficiency and compliance. Be efficient and compliant yourself. Take notes, try to minute every phone call, keep every email, put it all together if necessary into your own personal computer file on the topic. This also enables you to have, apparently constantly in mind, very phone number, every official's name (and job description) and all other relevant information. This can be scary, for the school. But before I get jumped on by those protective of teachers - this is only scary for teachers who have been slacking off in this area, thinking that it isn't that important, the family aren't really THAT pushy.</p><p></p><p>To become an effective pushy parent, you need to become super-efficient. This means at meetings, keeping it on topic. If you need to constantly mind-map the meeting, do so. Don't worry about what other attendees may think of your 'doodles', if it keeps the meeting on track and producing good outcomes (that's 'outcome for the meeting'). I'll cut across whoever is chairing a meeting, if I have to, to get us back on track. Again, this can be done politely. But also firmly.</p><p></p><p>You haven't got time to waste on rubbish. These are your kids, and time has been wasted already, despite your efforts.</p><p></p><p>I know I said it's important to keep the meting on track and head for those target 'meeting outcomes', but you must also listen to what the school staff say, even if you disagree. Take notes, instead. let them have enough rope, if what they are saying is really wrong. Because if you force an agreement on someone who is not really in agreement, they will not comply. If you have listened, you will have advance warning of this and can prepare for this, by putting in place as much insurance (ie signatures on agreed outcomes) as possible.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. And if you want tips on how to sound polite but firm, find a good political interviewer on your TV ad study them. Listen to the tone of the voice, the pitch, the control - and practice it yourself.</p><p></p><p>Sorry to seem so melodramatic, but I am giving you what I've done myself (although I've never had to sit at a school with my knitting, my thermos etc. Not at a school - I have done it elsewhere, though, to great effect). </p><p></p><p>It's a matter of putting the pressure on in surprising ways and also having the follow-through when your pressure bears fruit. Part of that follow-through is keeping tabs on processes afterwards and constantly pulling school staff back into line, if they deviate from the agreements.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 146337, member: 1991"] OK, my reply here is probably going to cover both rants together, since what has worked for me is managing things holistically ie the family is a unit; whatever affects one, affects all. The various meetings, misunderstandings, miscommunications etc - frustrating. I would be setting the meeting date and time with the school as an urgent priority. Go to the school with your lunch pack, a thermos of coffee, your knitting and a good book. Be a pain in the neck - tell them that due to the obvious, major misunderstandings you require a meeting on this with as many people as can make it, preferably by close of day. Any bigwigs who are only available once a month can go fly a kite, they're clearly too overloaded work-wise to be of much use anyway. (and if they tell you that such short notice is impossible, remind them that they had the expectation that you would comply with this; so surely, this is how they work?) I know this is unreasonable, but it is unreason in the direction of doing something about the lack of meeting, rather than what has been happening to date (also unreasonable). Be prepared to be talked out of insisting on a meeting for that day, but because you're now making it clear you want this meeting as an urgent priority, you need to be available on the date they 'persuade' you to agree on. That should sort things for Dude, at least. As for Ms Q, the poor kid IS confused. Not "confused and not confused at the same time". If she 'knows' she isn't getting promoted, yet at the same time can tell you what classes she will be taking - she is confused. This is not fair on her, definitely not fair on you. Again, an urgent meting is required (see above procedure for getting them to DO something, fast). At that meeting - you, your support person, the teacher who is causing all this confusion, that teacher's boss, school counsellor and/or psychologist who has been working with Ms Q. Agenda of meeting - what is the plan for Ms Q, that we all can agree on? How do we now deal with the miscommunication and confusion that has resulted? Now how do we deal with the areas of concern for her academically and socially? Also, you need to project further - what will be the recommendations if she doesn't make sufficient progress in the next year? Is there an alternative placement (other than mainstream middle school)? I strongly recommend with both kids, the use of a Communication Book. I know emails are used increasingly these days but a book keeps it all together, you can easily flick back through pages to see any past patterns. People CAN do this with emails, but generally don't. Also a lot of people delete old emails, very few people file them for perpetuity the way husband & I do. Emails can sometimes be modified after the event (which allows someone to claim you were told something when in fact you were not). A Communication Book should be available to both teachers and parents to be written in on a daily basis. It is not the child's responsibility in any way, although the book does travel in the child's schoolbag. But the teacher and parents, not the child, must put the book in the child's bag and remove it for writing/reading at first opportunity. We went down this road so many times - and the wheels fell off in so many ways, mostly when the Communication Book was not being used properly. We would get teachers trying to wean us off the use of the book, feeling that difficult child 3 was doing so much better now and we could ease back on communication. I mean, really! "Wean us off" - as if we, the parents, were toddlers still drinking from a bottle? At the meetings someone needs to take minutes. What is needed - a list of agreed outcomes, to be available by end of meeting (even if only available as rough hand-written notes). After your meetings, you need copies of these notes, perhaps to be replaced by tidier copy when it is available. This needs to be signed off on by you and those present, to indicate agreement. You can try to insist this happens, they can refuse, but if you point out that it may be the only way to make sure people stick to what they agreed on plus there is now a history of non-compliance by school staff (and are THEY going to put themselves on detention?) then maybe you might get somewhere. Believe it or not, you can still do this in a friendly manner. This is merely insisting on efficiency and compliance. This, after all, is what they want from your child, so surely the school can set an example here? As for your teen queen, Ms Emo, we do so often neglect our older kids and our PCs, when we find ourselves stretched to the limit and beyond. Give her the reassurance she needs. And from my own experience, when kids hit their mid-teens parental intimacy often goes out the window. We had to put rules in place - when the parents' bedroom door is shut, do not open it and walk in or you might be mentally scarred for life. If you absolutely MUST, you may knock. Be prepared to be growled at. With husband & me, the kids will knock fairly readily if the light is on (they can see it under the door) and they hear conversation. But if the light is off, they will leave us alone unless the house is on fire. But our older kids have each other. Ms Emo is on her own. She may need a lot more reassurance than the others. With your health problems on top of everything else, she is probably holding a lot inside that is really eating at her. Strong recommendations now - first, post about this in Special Education forum. There are probably legal procedures they can advise you on, which I cannot. Second - in your dealings with the school from now on, insist on efficiency and compliance. Be efficient and compliant yourself. Take notes, try to minute every phone call, keep every email, put it all together if necessary into your own personal computer file on the topic. This also enables you to have, apparently constantly in mind, very phone number, every official's name (and job description) and all other relevant information. This can be scary, for the school. But before I get jumped on by those protective of teachers - this is only scary for teachers who have been slacking off in this area, thinking that it isn't that important, the family aren't really THAT pushy. To become an effective pushy parent, you need to become super-efficient. This means at meetings, keeping it on topic. If you need to constantly mind-map the meeting, do so. Don't worry about what other attendees may think of your 'doodles', if it keeps the meeting on track and producing good outcomes (that's 'outcome for the meeting'). I'll cut across whoever is chairing a meeting, if I have to, to get us back on track. Again, this can be done politely. But also firmly. You haven't got time to waste on rubbish. These are your kids, and time has been wasted already, despite your efforts. I know I said it's important to keep the meting on track and head for those target 'meeting outcomes', but you must also listen to what the school staff say, even if you disagree. Take notes, instead. let them have enough rope, if what they are saying is really wrong. Because if you force an agreement on someone who is not really in agreement, they will not comply. If you have listened, you will have advance warning of this and can prepare for this, by putting in place as much insurance (ie signatures on agreed outcomes) as possible. Good luck. And if you want tips on how to sound polite but firm, find a good political interviewer on your TV ad study them. Listen to the tone of the voice, the pitch, the control - and practice it yourself. Sorry to seem so melodramatic, but I am giving you what I've done myself (although I've never had to sit at a school with my knitting, my thermos etc. Not at a school - I have done it elsewhere, though, to great effect). It's a matter of putting the pressure on in surprising ways and also having the follow-through when your pressure bears fruit. Part of that follow-through is keeping tabs on processes afterwards and constantly pulling school staff back into line, if they deviate from the agreements. Marg [/QUOTE]
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Rant #2 Teacher and Rentention Issue (Ms Q)
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