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re: How do you discipline your children?
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<blockquote data-quote="mrsammler" data-source="post: 426985"><p>Daisyface, I hear you wrt to getting into a cycle of upping the ante on both sides--i.e., your punishment and difficult child's raging misbehavior--into the realm of absurdity. That is the obvious scenario arguing for some sort of policy of suspending punishment with an explosive child and trying another tactic instead.</p><p></p><p>But I don't think it works and it's fundamentally wrong-headed, in my estimation. Example: my difficult child nephew would misbehave badly (come home drunk, for instance--having driven home drunk) and his mother would quite justifiably announce the consequence she was going to levy (depriving him of driving privileges for a week, again for example) and then he'd blow up, call her every name in the book, shout, throw things, etc. Her policy was to stick to the original declared punishment and just ignore the rest of what he did as a response, so he'd get away with the tantrum, name-calling, throwing things around, etc. She had read TEC and had learned that this way to handle that situation. But what I saw was a kid getting away with murder, and obviously feeling empowered by it.</p><p></p><p>My own policy, however, was to respond to each and every misdeed, just as I would with any child (that's another issue that I dislike about TEC: erecting a very different policy of childraising with a difficult child, one that's much more lenient than you uphold with your PCs, simply because his behavior is so much worse--this sends a terrible message to the PCs in the house: you get away with more misbehavior is you just go ballistic every time you're held to a consequence). I lived solo with my nephew for a few months, and when he came home drunk, I'd yank his car privileges and then, with each additional name hurled at me, he got additional weeks without the car. It quickly stacked up to 5 weeks in about a minute, and I told him he'd better knock it off or he'd be carless for the whole summer. He knew I'd do it, so he shut down his tantrum and stalked up to his room. Then I levied all 5 weeks of punishment--i.e., no car for him--and he was miserable and whined and complained about it, but he didn't rage and he didn't call me names and curse at me: he wanted a car to drive in the summertime.</p><p></p><p>I like doing it that way far, far more than the TEC way. Again, maybe I'm a dinosaur, but it worked for me. But you gotta back it up and NOT trim the announced consequence "for good behavior" and that sort of thing (another TEC feature, I'm told). difficult child was used to being levied a 4 week penalty and then having it lifted after 5 or 6 days of good behavior (which he regarded as a huge accomplishment), and that was obviously a big part of the problem and how he got to be that way in the first place. </p><p></p><p>Frankly, TEC just seems like an elaborate rationalization for acquiescing to a kid's rages and tantrums just to "get back to normalcy" as quickly as possible. I think if you're really committed to changing a difficult kid, you have to be ready to surrender normalcy and emphatically and unflinchingly levy consequences. Otherwise you send a message of "if you raise enough hell, I'll just roll over and let you misbehave largely without consequence." And that will reap a bitter harvest as time goes by.</p><p></p><p>YMMV and your responses/thoughts are welcome.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="mrsammler, post: 426985"] Daisyface, I hear you wrt to getting into a cycle of upping the ante on both sides--i.e., your punishment and difficult child's raging misbehavior--into the realm of absurdity. That is the obvious scenario arguing for some sort of policy of suspending punishment with an explosive child and trying another tactic instead. But I don't think it works and it's fundamentally wrong-headed, in my estimation. Example: my difficult child nephew would misbehave badly (come home drunk, for instance--having driven home drunk) and his mother would quite justifiably announce the consequence she was going to levy (depriving him of driving privileges for a week, again for example) and then he'd blow up, call her every name in the book, shout, throw things, etc. Her policy was to stick to the original declared punishment and just ignore the rest of what he did as a response, so he'd get away with the tantrum, name-calling, throwing things around, etc. She had read TEC and had learned that this way to handle that situation. But what I saw was a kid getting away with murder, and obviously feeling empowered by it. My own policy, however, was to respond to each and every misdeed, just as I would with any child (that's another issue that I dislike about TEC: erecting a very different policy of childraising with a difficult child, one that's much more lenient than you uphold with your PCs, simply because his behavior is so much worse--this sends a terrible message to the PCs in the house: you get away with more misbehavior is you just go ballistic every time you're held to a consequence). I lived solo with my nephew for a few months, and when he came home drunk, I'd yank his car privileges and then, with each additional name hurled at me, he got additional weeks without the car. It quickly stacked up to 5 weeks in about a minute, and I told him he'd better knock it off or he'd be carless for the whole summer. He knew I'd do it, so he shut down his tantrum and stalked up to his room. Then I levied all 5 weeks of punishment--i.e., no car for him--and he was miserable and whined and complained about it, but he didn't rage and he didn't call me names and curse at me: he wanted a car to drive in the summertime. I like doing it that way far, far more than the TEC way. Again, maybe I'm a dinosaur, but it worked for me. But you gotta back it up and NOT trim the announced consequence "for good behavior" and that sort of thing (another TEC feature, I'm told). difficult child was used to being levied a 4 week penalty and then having it lifted after 5 or 6 days of good behavior (which he regarded as a huge accomplishment), and that was obviously a big part of the problem and how he got to be that way in the first place. Frankly, TEC just seems like an elaborate rationalization for acquiescing to a kid's rages and tantrums just to "get back to normalcy" as quickly as possible. I think if you're really committed to changing a difficult kid, you have to be ready to surrender normalcy and emphatically and unflinchingly levy consequences. Otherwise you send a message of "if you raise enough hell, I'll just roll over and let you misbehave largely without consequence." And that will reap a bitter harvest as time goes by. YMMV and your responses/thoughts are welcome. [/QUOTE]
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