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re: How do you discipline your children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 426986" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>The opening post</p><p>' difficult children are notoriously impervious to learning from experience--but at least it works while the consequence is being levied. '</p><p></p><p>The same problem goes for rewards - control through seduction - that at best it gets short term compliance. or as Ross Greene says we may be able to use a system' which makes a kid look good ', but when we remove the structure , scaffolding etc everything collapses. Wood or any other positive or negative consequences don't teach the lacking skills which these kids lack. Kids would prefer to do well, be successful , be adaptive and acceptable . If they are not , something is getting in their way - the demands placed on them in specific situations and under various conditions outstrip the skills they have to cope and act appropriately .Then Alfie Kohn reminds us - what matters is not what we ' teach kids' , but what they learn. Kids come away from these experiences - that adults are unfair and their own problem was being caught. Alfie Kohn goes further and asks if we teach to kids to ask ' what will I get if i do this or what will be done to me if i .... , we will raise kids who just think of what's in it for me rather than reflect what type of person do i want to be , does my behavior reflect this?</p><p></p><p></p><p>Daisy - Plan A is not working , you are right to look for something different. But there is no magic bullet - Plan B - collaborative problem solving is hard , messy , takes time - but the good news is , every step of the way learning is taking place. </p><p></p><p>Chores - in my home , if i want my home clean , it is on me , extra help is a welcome , but it for me . This liberates me emotionally and allows me to be creative in getting cooperation from kids.</p><p></p><p>in my humble opinion , the way to go is to focus on relationship building , connecting and communication , helping kids to learn to trust you. it takes time as Star said they will initially see this as another way to get one to be compliant. That means spending one on one time , just chatting , perspective taking , getting them to speak and we listen. Older sisters, buddies, buddy-tutors, mentors , peer mentors ,personal coaches are very helpful. I can't stess the importance of positive peer influence.</p><p></p><p>At the same time we can start working on the list of unsolved problems using Plan b and maybe finding extra resources that will help a kid acquire more skills</p><p></p><p>it is not easy , it takes time but we have already spent years with a kid and the unsolved problems are piling up.</p><p></p><p>Allan</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 426986, member: 10"] The opening post ' difficult children are notoriously impervious to learning from experience--but at least it works while the consequence is being levied. ' The same problem goes for rewards - control through seduction - that at best it gets short term compliance. or as Ross Greene says we may be able to use a system' which makes a kid look good ', but when we remove the structure , scaffolding etc everything collapses. Wood or any other positive or negative consequences don't teach the lacking skills which these kids lack. Kids would prefer to do well, be successful , be adaptive and acceptable . If they are not , something is getting in their way - the demands placed on them in specific situations and under various conditions outstrip the skills they have to cope and act appropriately .Then Alfie Kohn reminds us - what matters is not what we ' teach kids' , but what they learn. Kids come away from these experiences - that adults are unfair and their own problem was being caught. Alfie Kohn goes further and asks if we teach to kids to ask ' what will I get if i do this or what will be done to me if i .... , we will raise kids who just think of what's in it for me rather than reflect what type of person do i want to be , does my behavior reflect this? Daisy - Plan A is not working , you are right to look for something different. But there is no magic bullet - Plan B - collaborative problem solving is hard , messy , takes time - but the good news is , every step of the way learning is taking place. Chores - in my home , if i want my home clean , it is on me , extra help is a welcome , but it for me . This liberates me emotionally and allows me to be creative in getting cooperation from kids. in my humble opinion , the way to go is to focus on relationship building , connecting and communication , helping kids to learn to trust you. it takes time as Star said they will initially see this as another way to get one to be compliant. That means spending one on one time , just chatting , perspective taking , getting them to speak and we listen. Older sisters, buddies, buddy-tutors, mentors , peer mentors ,personal coaches are very helpful. I can't stess the importance of positive peer influence. At the same time we can start working on the list of unsolved problems using Plan b and maybe finding extra resources that will help a kid acquire more skills it is not easy , it takes time but we have already spent years with a kid and the unsolved problems are piling up. Allan [/QUOTE]
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