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General Parenting
re: How do you discipline your children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Allan-Matlem" data-source="post: 426992" data-attributes="member: 10"><p>What would happen if I said something which hurt my wife , would she then go on strike to teach me a lesson or would we talk about it and collaboratively problem solve and me in an autonomous way ( not being consequenced to buy her a gift ) try to fix the relationship.</p><p>The method of withdrawing privileges is essentially negative: I can't communicate with you, and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes, and you can trust me to help you do better in the future. Raging and profanities are symptoms to an underlying problem. Would it not be better to deal with the underlying problem than the symptom? For me , the consequences you talk about might get short term compliance , but the bigger problem you are teaching kids to think " what's in it for me " what will I get or what will be done to me ? The injustice your easy child's should feel is that there are families where problems are solved in a collaborative way , by talking rather than the parent using power . Consequences are important " I mean when a kid reflects on how his actions impact on others , not on just what will happen to him. I want kids to behave not because they don't want consequences or want to please dad , but rather " this is the type of person I want to be , a person who would never want to hurt another. And in any event , when a kid gets a consequence ,what is the kid thinking ? My mistake = getting caught , parents are unfair. What matters is not what we teach them , but what they learn.</p><p>We might have won the battle , but not the war. I want kids to reflect , and then engage in an autonomous way in the moral act of restitution.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Allan-Matlem, post: 426992, member: 10"] What would happen if I said something which hurt my wife , would she then go on strike to teach me a lesson or would we talk about it and collaboratively problem solve and me in an autonomous way ( not being consequenced to buy her a gift ) try to fix the relationship. The method of withdrawing privileges is essentially negative: I can't communicate with you, and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes, and you can trust me to help you do better in the future. Raging and profanities are symptoms to an underlying problem. Would it not be better to deal with the underlying problem than the symptom? For me , the consequences you talk about might get short term compliance , but the bigger problem you are teaching kids to think " what's in it for me " what will I get or what will be done to me ? The injustice your easy child's should feel is that there are families where problems are solved in a collaborative way , by talking rather than the parent using power . Consequences are important " I mean when a kid reflects on how his actions impact on others , not on just what will happen to him. I want kids to behave not because they don't want consequences or want to please dad , but rather " this is the type of person I want to be , a person who would never want to hurt another. And in any event , when a kid gets a consequence ,what is the kid thinking ? My mistake = getting caught , parents are unfair. What matters is not what we teach them , but what they learn. We might have won the battle , but not the war. I want kids to reflect , and then engage in an autonomous way in the moral act of restitution. [/QUOTE]
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