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re: How do you discipline your children?
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 427439" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>I feel like I'm really at the heart of this one right now (probably we all do, most days?) - cf my post on the Early Childhood Forum. In principle I am in agreement with the collaborative approach and with what Allan-Matlem says here, for example. In practice, I sometimes use that approach and sometimes the "blackmail" (if you don't do what I want, I will do X) and the "seduction control" (if you do this, I will give you Y) techniques and I suppose they have a kind of limited, short-term success but seem to leave a distasteful, cheap feeling in the mouth and also backfire with J often saying the same kind of thing to me "If you don'r give me that cake, I'm not going to school!", which kind of shows the childish baseness of the technique really. The gold stars chart has worked quite well - I think because he takes the gold star as a sign of approbation of him and that is its reward for him, not really the prize at the end. The last chart we had went on for literally months and months before it was finally filled up and he got his "nice thing". The collaborative approach definitely works better in some way, though I find it much more demanding (of course), because I have to push through all my desires just to say "Do it! Now! Because that makes life easier for me!" and negotiate and compromise... But it definitely feels HEALTHIER and as though the long-term results of it will be healthier.</p><p>Why am I not consistent in my approach? Probably lots of reasons - not having an alternative discipline approach around me - school is very punitive in a kind of old-fashioned way, etc which would seem to make "purism" redundant, really. And then I just lack the skills myself often, when I am caught on the run, on the hop. I can see it would be better to have a more seamless approach... Work in progress... as it maybe is for most of us. These children (I think I can confidently include my son in that category) are so demanding of us - we have to be really wise, strong, clear, all the rest of it. Sometimes I am not up to it. Sometimes I am. It's not very perfect...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 427439, member: 11227"] I feel like I'm really at the heart of this one right now (probably we all do, most days?) - cf my post on the Early Childhood Forum. In principle I am in agreement with the collaborative approach and with what Allan-Matlem says here, for example. In practice, I sometimes use that approach and sometimes the "blackmail" (if you don't do what I want, I will do X) and the "seduction control" (if you do this, I will give you Y) techniques and I suppose they have a kind of limited, short-term success but seem to leave a distasteful, cheap feeling in the mouth and also backfire with J often saying the same kind of thing to me "If you don'r give me that cake, I'm not going to school!", which kind of shows the childish baseness of the technique really. The gold stars chart has worked quite well - I think because he takes the gold star as a sign of approbation of him and that is its reward for him, not really the prize at the end. The last chart we had went on for literally months and months before it was finally filled up and he got his "nice thing". The collaborative approach definitely works better in some way, though I find it much more demanding (of course), because I have to push through all my desires just to say "Do it! Now! Because that makes life easier for me!" and negotiate and compromise... But it definitely feels HEALTHIER and as though the long-term results of it will be healthier. Why am I not consistent in my approach? Probably lots of reasons - not having an alternative discipline approach around me - school is very punitive in a kind of old-fashioned way, etc which would seem to make "purism" redundant, really. And then I just lack the skills myself often, when I am caught on the run, on the hop. I can see it would be better to have a more seamless approach... Work in progress... as it maybe is for most of us. These children (I think I can confidently include my son in that category) are so demanding of us - we have to be really wise, strong, clear, all the rest of it. Sometimes I am not up to it. Sometimes I am. It's not very perfect... [/QUOTE]
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