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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 137733"><p>Thank you each and every one of you. You don't know how much comfort this brings to me.</p><p></p><p>I'm going to order that book, Linda, first thing tomorrow. And I love the idea of my place with a blanket, heating pad, etc. I used to have the perfect chair for that, but gave it away when I didn't have room for it in my last house. I will have to create a place like that here. I used to do visualization, but haven't done that in a while. If nothing else, it's relaxing which is definitely something I could use. My mom has gone to the cardiologist and the rheumatologist with me, but I'm going to ask her to go with me to my GP once, as well. </p><p></p><p>I think a slumber party with our blankets and a bunch of movies is definitely in order.</p><p></p><p>I also need to get away from this. I need to feel human again. Every waking moment is spent thinking about this or researching that, going to this doctor or that doctor. I've learned a lot, which is good. But, I just can't do it anymore. I need to let it go. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for answers. It doesn't mean I'm not going to advocate for my health and keep pushing for testing, etc. I'm just not going to live and breathe it anymore. I can't. Either they're going to figure it out or they're not. And there's really not a damn thing I can do about it. Coming to that realization is actually freeing. I have to depend on others to do their job. *gasp...I can't breathe!* <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":tongue:" title="tongue :tongue:" data-shortname=":tongue:" /> I've never been very good at depending on others. But I will learn.</p><p></p><p>I'm usually so in control of my life and this has thrown me for such a loop where I have so little control over anything. So my reaction has been to hang on tighter to some semblance of control, when what I really need to do is let go a little. Does that make sense?</p><p></p><p>I had this timeline in my head of how long it would take to get answers, get a treatment plan and get back to my life. And, surprise, surprise, it's not working out like I planned. And I'm having to come to terms with that and also coming to terms with the fact that I may never get back to my life as I knew it. I may very well end up with something completely different. I need to adjust to that instead of fighting this every step of the way. Because no matter what, I don't want to lose the person that I am just because my body is defective and apparently out of warranty. I am a pillar, you see. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> I don't want to give up on life and the little things. I want to take my blanket and sit in the grass and watch the birds and the squirrels and be thankful that I can do that even if it's the only thing I can do.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, ladies, for being here and for lifting me and wrapping me in your arms when I was ready to give up. I'm truly touched by each of you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 137733"] Thank you each and every one of you. You don't know how much comfort this brings to me. I'm going to order that book, Linda, first thing tomorrow. And I love the idea of my place with a blanket, heating pad, etc. I used to have the perfect chair for that, but gave it away when I didn't have room for it in my last house. I will have to create a place like that here. I used to do visualization, but haven't done that in a while. If nothing else, it's relaxing which is definitely something I could use. My mom has gone to the cardiologist and the rheumatologist with me, but I'm going to ask her to go with me to my GP once, as well. I think a slumber party with our blankets and a bunch of movies is definitely in order. I also need to get away from this. I need to feel human again. Every waking moment is spent thinking about this or researching that, going to this doctor or that doctor. I've learned a lot, which is good. But, I just can't do it anymore. I need to let it go. It doesn't mean I'm going to stop looking for answers. It doesn't mean I'm not going to advocate for my health and keep pushing for testing, etc. I'm just not going to live and breathe it anymore. I can't. Either they're going to figure it out or they're not. And there's really not a damn thing I can do about it. Coming to that realization is actually freeing. I have to depend on others to do their job. *gasp...I can't breathe!* :raspberry-tounge: I've never been very good at depending on others. But I will learn. I'm usually so in control of my life and this has thrown me for such a loop where I have so little control over anything. So my reaction has been to hang on tighter to some semblance of control, when what I really need to do is let go a little. Does that make sense? I had this timeline in my head of how long it would take to get answers, get a treatment plan and get back to my life. And, surprise, surprise, it's not working out like I planned. And I'm having to come to terms with that and also coming to terms with the fact that I may never get back to my life as I knew it. I may very well end up with something completely different. I need to adjust to that instead of fighting this every step of the way. Because no matter what, I don't want to lose the person that I am just because my body is defective and apparently out of warranty. I am a pillar, you see. ;) I don't want to give up on life and the little things. I want to take my blanket and sit in the grass and watch the birds and the squirrels and be thankful that I can do that even if it's the only thing I can do. Thank you, ladies, for being here and for lifting me and wrapping me in your arms when I was ready to give up. I'm truly touched by each of you. [/QUOTE]
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