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<blockquote data-quote="Acacia" data-source="post: 754852" data-attributes="member: 19832"><p>Thank you for this question - it's really important. What others have said resonates with me. </p><p></p><p>I don't know if I fit into the 'used to enable,' but I am better than I was. My DS was given alcohol and pot at age 11 by his father (my ex). I didn't know that for a few years, so I felt guilt about it. I think what happened for me is that no matter what I did or gave: rides, money, housing, emotional support, rehab, etc. - nothing changed for long. My DS and then my daughter were nice (manipulative) until they got what they wanted, then they returned to being verbally abusive or ignoring me. </p><p></p><p>They kept me in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. Won't a mother do anything for her children, they said. How could I be so selfish. I can't remember a time since they have been adults when they have gone out of their way or showed compassion to me in any of my difficulties. When I set firm boundaries with my daughter, she cut me out of her life and, consequently, my grandchildren's lives. It hurt, but the abuse from her hurt worse. Even though we live in the same town, I have not seen her in over 2 years. I believe she struggles with both addiction and mental illness (borderline?).</p><p></p><p>My DS stopped talking to me last month because I set a boundary about giving him money, and he went into a verbal tirade that was cruel and unacceptable. I blocked his phone.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could say that the money, time, and everything else helped my two turn their lives around. It did not. My husband (their stepdad) helped me to keep boundaries because it was his money also.</p><p>I gave in many, many times. I can't say that I won't ever find myself there again, but I take it one day at a time to not enable.</p><p></p><p>Finally, and maybe most importantly, I did enough therapy, 12 step, reading, this site, etc. to know that under no circumstance should I allow myself to be treated badly, and I should not feel guilty after 30 years of working hard to use the resources I have to help me have a good retirement. If I don't treat myself with love and respect, who will?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Acacia, post: 754852, member: 19832"] Thank you for this question - it's really important. What others have said resonates with me. I don't know if I fit into the 'used to enable,' but I am better than I was. My DS was given alcohol and pot at age 11 by his father (my ex). I didn't know that for a few years, so I felt guilt about it. I think what happened for me is that no matter what I did or gave: rides, money, housing, emotional support, rehab, etc. - nothing changed for long. My DS and then my daughter were nice (manipulative) until they got what they wanted, then they returned to being verbally abusive or ignoring me. They kept me in a FOG of fear, obligation, and guilt. Won't a mother do anything for her children, they said. How could I be so selfish. I can't remember a time since they have been adults when they have gone out of their way or showed compassion to me in any of my difficulties. When I set firm boundaries with my daughter, she cut me out of her life and, consequently, my grandchildren's lives. It hurt, but the abuse from her hurt worse. Even though we live in the same town, I have not seen her in over 2 years. I believe she struggles with both addiction and mental illness (borderline?). My DS stopped talking to me last month because I set a boundary about giving him money, and he went into a verbal tirade that was cruel and unacceptable. I blocked his phone. I wish I could say that the money, time, and everything else helped my two turn their lives around. It did not. My husband (their stepdad) helped me to keep boundaries because it was his money also. I gave in many, many times. I can't say that I won't ever find myself there again, but I take it one day at a time to not enable. Finally, and maybe most importantly, I did enough therapy, 12 step, reading, this site, etc. to know that under no circumstance should I allow myself to be treated badly, and I should not feel guilty after 30 years of working hard to use the resources I have to help me have a good retirement. If I don't treat myself with love and respect, who will? [/QUOTE]
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