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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 754863" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">My situation feels complex. Because my enabling came as a consequence of not enabling. I used tough love at first. My son careened downwards. I could not take it. That I enabled wasn't guilt. It was responsibility. And enmeshment, I guess.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">About 8 years ago I kicked my son out cold turkey. I just told him to leave. I would not open the doors and I would not respond to his banging on the windows. I didn't even take him to a shelter. Before this, I had not enabled. I could not tolerate his not doing for himself. He had become mentally ill. He would not work, go to treatment, school, or do one other thing. I could not abide that. He was 23 at the time.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">What happened was that family friends with a hotel in a high-cost famous city took him in and enabled him. For over two years, he paid nothing to stay in a high priced hotel. There he became addicted to marijuana. He did not work. Eventually, when he left there, he got on SSI. In 8 years he has worked very, very sporadically.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">My enabling began about 3 years after my son left home, which was about 5 years ago. I came here to this forum about 4.5 years ago at a point I was considering enrolling in college courses so that I could sit in the classroom with my son to make sure he attended, and to make sure he did his assignments. I did not even see how nuts this was. I was crazy with worry and grief.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It was here on this forum that I realized I had gone crazy. The mothers here told me straight, that I had veered way out of bounds. The fascinating thing is that over time many of these same mothers saw that I had a very low tolerance of distance from my son. Some urged me to bring my son home, despite his manipulation and despite the issues that had grown worse, rather than better.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Over the past few years my son has been in a home I own at least half of the time. It has NEVER worked. Every single time he comes home he breaks agreements, does not pay rent, lies, does as little as possible, etc. He has taken advantage of the situation every single time. I have been enabling, one hundred percent. I have known it.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I kicked him out again yesterday. He had spent a third of his SSI money on marijuana by the fifth day of the month. Since we've been trying this (his living in a home I own) there had never been a month that a variation of this had not occurred. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">What could I do? The truth was inescapable. I was subsidizing his addictions, but somehow this time I could no longer abide it. There was no way that I could imagine that trying one more thing, one more way, could lead to a positive outcome. There was nothing else to try. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">It was clear as day to me that I was the problem. It's not that I caused my son's bad behavior. But I was supporting it. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I did not wake up. It was that the reality of the situation was all around me. It was inescapable. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I think my son sees it too. I think that as long as I was in denial, he felt trapped. It's like my FOG trapped him too. And when I somehow stepped outside of it, he was freed. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'">Does he like it? No. He was pissed. But he understood. And in one day he sounds happier, and freer. </span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I am not saying that it's all better. That I'm changed or that he's changed. What I am saying is that when forced to face the reality I was co-creating with my son, I turned the kaleidoscope. I do believe that this shift will give my son a shot that he would not have had, had I continued enabling him. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">In retrospect, I see positive things from each phase we have gone through. Even though my son plummeted when I threw him out 8 years ago, I think I did the right thing, if he would not help himself. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">There are bottom lines in life. I believe acting from the position that my son is capable of doing the right thing, was an act of confidence and faith. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">However I have doubted my actions for many years. There have been people who have questioned my son's capacity, and I have had doubts too. He has gotten serious diagnoses, that have called into question his ability to get better or to do for himself. This has really caused me a great deal of suffering, and doubt. Still, I believe I acted correctly. He deserved to test himself. He still does.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I believe I also did the right thing these past 5 years trying so hard to make it work. My son has seen how much I will put on the line for him. He knows how deeply I love him, and will fight for him. I believe I have tried to support his potential and capacity. Despite the fact there are no tangible results I see maturity. I have hope.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">Finally, making him leave, again, I also believe is the correct thing to do. I believe a parent has to have a bottom line, and has to live from a bottom line for her adult child. So. In this I believe the same as 8 years ago.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I think it is a very, very hard thing to nuance this. To act from deep love and support and at the same time to have boundaries. There is no way of knowing what will be the right thing. It is an act of faith, really. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I wrote entirely too much, here. What I want to say is that for me enabling is not a black and white thing. Of course enabling is never a good thing. But for me and my child it is been the correct thing to spiral back and forth from support and openness to more rigid boundaries. But the risk to support and openness is that it morphs into enabling; at least for me.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">I'm quite sure not everybody here agrees with me. And I can't say what I have done is right. I can only say that it has been right for me and for my son. He's still OK. He still has chances. I know I can't change anything in him, about him, or for him. That's the great shift for me. That what I do, either right or wrong, is not the mover here. He is the mover. I can't anymore cause him to succeed. Or to fail. But I can love him and act from love and support. </span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)">The one who has changed is me. I can tolerate now that my son go at his own pace. I try to stay in the present moment, with hope and faith. I try not to be so afraid. For me, this is a big change.</span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p> <p style="text-align: left"><span style="font-family: 'trebuchet ms'"><span style="color: rgb(20, 20, 20)"></span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 754863, member: 18958"] [LEFT][FONT=trebuchet ms][COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)]My situation feels complex. Because my enabling came as a consequence of not enabling. I used tough love at first. My son careened downwards. I could not take it. That I enabled wasn't guilt. It was responsibility. And enmeshment, I guess. About 8 years ago I kicked my son out cold turkey. I just told him to leave. I would not open the doors and I would not respond to his banging on the windows. I didn't even take him to a shelter. Before this, I had not enabled. I could not tolerate his not doing for himself. He had become mentally ill. He would not work, go to treatment, school, or do one other thing. I could not abide that. He was 23 at the time. What happened was that family friends with a hotel in a high-cost famous city took him in and enabled him. For over two years, he paid nothing to stay in a high priced hotel. There he became addicted to marijuana. He did not work. Eventually, when he left there, he got on SSI. In 8 years he has worked very, very sporadically. My enabling began about 3 years after my son left home, which was about 5 years ago. I came here to this forum about 4.5 years ago at a point I was considering enrolling in college courses so that I could sit in the classroom with my son to make sure he attended, and to make sure he did his assignments. I did not even see how nuts this was. I was crazy with worry and grief. It was here on this forum that I realized I had gone crazy. The mothers here told me straight, that I had veered way out of bounds. The fascinating thing is that over time many of these same mothers saw that I had a very low tolerance of distance from my son. Some urged me to bring my son home, despite his manipulation and despite the issues that had grown worse, rather than better. Over the past few years my son has been in a home I own at least half of the time. It has NEVER worked. Every single time he comes home he breaks agreements, does not pay rent, lies, does as little as possible, etc. He has taken advantage of the situation every single time. I have been enabling, one hundred percent. I have known it. I kicked him out again yesterday. He had spent a third of his SSI money on marijuana by the fifth day of the month. Since we've been trying this (his living in a home I own) there had never been a month that a variation of this had not occurred. What could I do? The truth was inescapable. I was subsidizing his addictions, but somehow this time I could no longer abide it. There was no way that I could imagine that trying one more thing, one more way, could lead to a positive outcome. There was nothing else to try. It was clear as day to me that I was the problem. It's not that I caused my son's bad behavior. But I was supporting it. I did not wake up. It was that the reality of the situation was all around me. It was inescapable. I think my son sees it too. I think that as long as I was in denial, he felt trapped. It's like my FOG trapped him too. And when I somehow stepped outside of it, he was freed. [/COLOR] Does he like it? No. He was pissed. But he understood. And in one day he sounds happier, and freer. [COLOR=rgb(20, 20, 20)] I am not saying that it's all better. That I'm changed or that he's changed. What I am saying is that when forced to face the reality I was co-creating with my son, I turned the kaleidoscope. I do believe that this shift will give my son a shot that he would not have had, had I continued enabling him. In retrospect, I see positive things from each phase we have gone through. Even though my son plummeted when I threw him out 8 years ago, I think I did the right thing, if he would not help himself. There are bottom lines in life. I believe acting from the position that my son is capable of doing the right thing, was an act of confidence and faith. However I have doubted my actions for many years. There have been people who have questioned my son's capacity, and I have had doubts too. He has gotten serious diagnoses, that have called into question his ability to get better or to do for himself. This has really caused me a great deal of suffering, and doubt. Still, I believe I acted correctly. He deserved to test himself. He still does. I believe I also did the right thing these past 5 years trying so hard to make it work. My son has seen how much I will put on the line for him. He knows how deeply I love him, and will fight for him. I believe I have tried to support his potential and capacity. Despite the fact there are no tangible results I see maturity. I have hope. Finally, making him leave, again, I also believe is the correct thing to do. I believe a parent has to have a bottom line, and has to live from a bottom line for her adult child. So. In this I believe the same as 8 years ago. I think it is a very, very hard thing to nuance this. To act from deep love and support and at the same time to have boundaries. There is no way of knowing what will be the right thing. It is an act of faith, really. I wrote entirely too much, here. What I want to say is that for me enabling is not a black and white thing. Of course enabling is never a good thing. But for me and my child it is been the correct thing to spiral back and forth from support and openness to more rigid boundaries. But the risk to support and openness is that it morphs into enabling; at least for me. I'm quite sure not everybody here agrees with me. And I can't say what I have done is right. I can only say that it has been right for me and for my son. He's still OK. He still has chances. I know I can't change anything in him, about him, or for him. That's the great shift for me. That what I do, either right or wrong, is not the mover here. He is the mover. I can't anymore cause him to succeed. Or to fail. But I can love him and act from love and support. The one who has changed is me. I can tolerate now that my son go at his own pace. I try to stay in the present moment, with hope and faith. I try not to be so afraid. For me, this is a big change. [/COLOR][/FONT][/LEFT] [/QUOTE]
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