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Recovering enablers
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<blockquote data-quote="skittles" data-source="post: 754871" data-attributes="member: 2484"><p>im not sure there is ever a point at which we can say ‘we’ve stopped enabling’. Its a constant battle with ourselves. Ive had many stop enabling moments. When i threw my son out at 18, when i refused to get him from the hospital after an overdose, when i refused to bail him out of jail. But there were many enabling behaviours inbetween. For me, the biggest leap was when my son went to Federal Prison for five years for armed robbery and i couldnt have contact with him, it was a release for me. However i continued to enabling his girlfriend(mother of my grandkids) and I can’t honestly say I have 100% stopped enabling my son . Im working on detangling myself from his ex right now. But i see These behaviours in me with everyone. i’m very blessed that somehow my second marriage despite my enabling behaviour, I managed to marry a very good and relatively healthy man. he sees what I do and calls me on it frequently. I Recently took a much-needed vacation with a girlfriend. however I was stressing terribly about it to the point that I wasn’t going to enjoy it. I was trying to make premade meals for my husband and younger son with detailed instructions on how to prepare them, and my husband stopped me, And said “you’re not as important as you think you are, We will get along fine without you.” in fact when I got back from my vacation not one of those meals have been eaten, they looked after themselves. We are often our own worst enemies and see problems where there arent any. we also anticipate problems that haven’t even occurred to try to find ways of avoiding them. it’s all about trying to control the chaos instead of stepping back from the chaos. so there isn’t and I don’t think there ever will be a magic point at which I can say I’ve stopped being an enabler. But through self knowledge we can learn to recognize it and perhaps use our ability to anticipate and pre-plan to find ways to protect ourselves from enabling behaviour. i’ve learned now that when people come to me with a problem, to listen and respond with sympathy instead of answers. As soon as you give answers or advice to someone you have taken some responsibility for their problem. how many times have we given advice, answers or help to our Difficult Child and then when everything falls apart anyway they jump on that as a way to blame it on us. as an example I lent my sons ex-girlfriend money to pre-buy a phone so that she could go on a cheaper phone plan. she got cut off because she went way over the amounts on the phone plan and the bill got too big. she then refused to pay me the money she owed me saying it was my fault for putting her on an inappropriate plan. i’m sure we all have similar stories with the same theme, we help someone and therefore we become responsible for the result. For all of us out there we know that anxiety when the phone rings or the text comes in from our Difficult Child. they only really contact us when there’s a problem. Now i screen my phone calls or I don’t immediately respond to a text. if you’re like me you get very anxious and you must answer right away and usually you regret that answer. so take a deep breath don’t answer, Think about it for a while so that when you do answer you’re not answering emotionally. I always try to think of a way to frame the answer so as not to give advice, only sympathy and not to take responsibility.Such as “ wow that’s terrible I can see why you’re stressed.” or if they insist on trying to get advice out of me(so They can blame me later) I will come out and say” I don’t really know what to tell you I’ve never been in a situation like that, It’s up to you” and I will also do other things, such as my son’s ex-girlfriend does not know that I’m retired, She thinks I work 3 to 11 every evening which makes me unavailable for her when my family is home from work and school. And in keeping with this fiction of course I can’t answer the phone no matter how bad the “emergency”. I guess all I’m saying as I think we’re all a work in progress, even those that are further along that road thab others that we would look at and say they are recovered enabler’s, there’s a reason they keep coming back here. they know themselves, they keep coming back so they don’t forget themselves. I’ve come here on and off for many years. I can see the progress I’ve made, I can also see how very easily I can slip deeply back into that behaviour.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="skittles, post: 754871, member: 2484"] im not sure there is ever a point at which we can say ‘we’ve stopped enabling’. Its a constant battle with ourselves. Ive had many stop enabling moments. When i threw my son out at 18, when i refused to get him from the hospital after an overdose, when i refused to bail him out of jail. But there were many enabling behaviours inbetween. For me, the biggest leap was when my son went to Federal Prison for five years for armed robbery and i couldnt have contact with him, it was a release for me. However i continued to enabling his girlfriend(mother of my grandkids) and I can’t honestly say I have 100% stopped enabling my son . Im working on detangling myself from his ex right now. But i see These behaviours in me with everyone. i’m very blessed that somehow my second marriage despite my enabling behaviour, I managed to marry a very good and relatively healthy man. he sees what I do and calls me on it frequently. I Recently took a much-needed vacation with a girlfriend. however I was stressing terribly about it to the point that I wasn’t going to enjoy it. I was trying to make premade meals for my husband and younger son with detailed instructions on how to prepare them, and my husband stopped me, And said “you’re not as important as you think you are, We will get along fine without you.” in fact when I got back from my vacation not one of those meals have been eaten, they looked after themselves. We are often our own worst enemies and see problems where there arent any. we also anticipate problems that haven’t even occurred to try to find ways of avoiding them. it’s all about trying to control the chaos instead of stepping back from the chaos. so there isn’t and I don’t think there ever will be a magic point at which I can say I’ve stopped being an enabler. But through self knowledge we can learn to recognize it and perhaps use our ability to anticipate and pre-plan to find ways to protect ourselves from enabling behaviour. i’ve learned now that when people come to me with a problem, to listen and respond with sympathy instead of answers. As soon as you give answers or advice to someone you have taken some responsibility for their problem. how many times have we given advice, answers or help to our Difficult Child and then when everything falls apart anyway they jump on that as a way to blame it on us. as an example I lent my sons ex-girlfriend money to pre-buy a phone so that she could go on a cheaper phone plan. she got cut off because she went way over the amounts on the phone plan and the bill got too big. she then refused to pay me the money she owed me saying it was my fault for putting her on an inappropriate plan. i’m sure we all have similar stories with the same theme, we help someone and therefore we become responsible for the result. For all of us out there we know that anxiety when the phone rings or the text comes in from our Difficult Child. they only really contact us when there’s a problem. Now i screen my phone calls or I don’t immediately respond to a text. if you’re like me you get very anxious and you must answer right away and usually you regret that answer. so take a deep breath don’t answer, Think about it for a while so that when you do answer you’re not answering emotionally. I always try to think of a way to frame the answer so as not to give advice, only sympathy and not to take responsibility.Such as “ wow that’s terrible I can see why you’re stressed.” or if they insist on trying to get advice out of me(so They can blame me later) I will come out and say” I don’t really know what to tell you I’ve never been in a situation like that, It’s up to you” and I will also do other things, such as my son’s ex-girlfriend does not know that I’m retired, She thinks I work 3 to 11 every evening which makes me unavailable for her when my family is home from work and school. And in keeping with this fiction of course I can’t answer the phone no matter how bad the “emergency”. I guess all I’m saying as I think we’re all a work in progress, even those that are further along that road thab others that we would look at and say they are recovered enabler’s, there’s a reason they keep coming back here. they know themselves, they keep coming back so they don’t forget themselves. I’ve come here on and off for many years. I can see the progress I’ve made, I can also see how very easily I can slip deeply back into that behaviour. [/QUOTE]
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