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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 710199" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>The question is this: what is he willing to do to help himself? How can you "help" somebody if there is no or limited investment in their part? What would you need to see from him that would make you believe he is doing his part? Have you clarified that?</p><p></p><p>I hate to see you flailing and accusing yourself...when you do not control the contingencies, you do not influence his motivation, nor do you influence, really, what are his goals. You see this. The questions are: what happens next?</p><p></p><p>I am glad RN is involved with you as a coach. She got her son to a</p><p>"place," where she could then clarify and bolster her own boundaries. This is where you are going, too. The rest of it is on your sons.</p><p></p><p>My own child has been with us or near us for 13 months now. During that time he has gone to residential treatment twice, each time when we said he had to leave due to drug use.</p><p></p><p>The shift is that he seems to be getting that the pivot comes from him, not us. He has seen we are willing to let him twist by himself in the wind if he chooses to...uses drugs or is under the influence near us.</p><p></p><p>We are willing to put up with his attitudes, his ambivalence, his balking and his resistance....as long as he chooses productively and constructively. It is not fun dealing with this...for him or for us. It must feel like a gauntlet to him but he keeps in the game. And as long as he does, we do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 710199, member: 18958"] The question is this: what is he willing to do to help himself? How can you "help" somebody if there is no or limited investment in their part? What would you need to see from him that would make you believe he is doing his part? Have you clarified that? I hate to see you flailing and accusing yourself...when you do not control the contingencies, you do not influence his motivation, nor do you influence, really, what are his goals. You see this. The questions are: what happens next? I am glad RN is involved with you as a coach. She got her son to a "place," where she could then clarify and bolster her own boundaries. This is where you are going, too. The rest of it is on your sons. My own child has been with us or near us for 13 months now. During that time he has gone to residential treatment twice, each time when we said he had to leave due to drug use. The shift is that he seems to be getting that the pivot comes from him, not us. He has seen we are willing to let him twist by himself in the wind if he chooses to...uses drugs or is under the influence near us. We are willing to put up with his attitudes, his ambivalence, his balking and his resistance....as long as he chooses productively and constructively. It is not fun dealing with this...for him or for us. It must feel like a gauntlet to him but he keeps in the game. And as long as he does, we do. [/QUOTE]
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