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Substance Abuse
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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 679186" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>Hi Rina, it must be very hurtful to think your son would move to another country and not want anything to do with you. There was a time when my daughter had problems with attachment. She did everything in her power to go against everything we believed in or wanted for her. She self sabotaged and said she wanted to find her birth mother and live happily ever after I guess. It wasn't until about the age of 23 that I think she finally came to terms with her adoption and felt really attached to us. To hear her now tell us how she doesn't know where she would be without us and she is grateful for all of our support it's like a miracle. But I can't even imagine how she would feel if her heritage was in another country.</p><p></p><p>I often said that many adoptees have a hole in their hearts that we can't fill. It makes me sad because we adopt thinking that with love and support everything will be fine and then we find out that they aren't grateful, they wish they had been left with their birth family, even if that was impossible. And in the backs of their minds they blame us for their loss. It is no wonder they turn to substance abuse to dull the pain.</p><p></p><p>I wish I could tell you everything would be ok but I can't. I do know you did everything you could to provide the love and support your kids need. You son is struggling, but hopefully he will find his way. My daughter will always struggle with alcohol abuse, it is in her genes. I can't prevent it no matter how hard I try.</p><p></p><p>I have a very good friend who adopted two children. One of her daughters became pregnant and repeated the cycle of her birth mother. She had problems with attachment also as well as many other issues. She found her birth father and moved in with him and changed her first and last name to that which her birth mother gave her at birth. It was the ultimate rejection, not only her first but her last name. They were devastated and felt like they had just been babysitters for 22 years. The interesting thing is their daughter is now coming around more, has said that she made a mistake in changing her name, and my friends have helped provide some of the baby things she needed and has offered to babysit. My point is you never know what impact you have had on your child, it may take them a while to understand it but many do finally come to feel the love you have surrounded them with all along.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 679186, member: 59"] Hi Rina, it must be very hurtful to think your son would move to another country and not want anything to do with you. There was a time when my daughter had problems with attachment. She did everything in her power to go against everything we believed in or wanted for her. She self sabotaged and said she wanted to find her birth mother and live happily ever after I guess. It wasn't until about the age of 23 that I think she finally came to terms with her adoption and felt really attached to us. To hear her now tell us how she doesn't know where she would be without us and she is grateful for all of our support it's like a miracle. But I can't even imagine how she would feel if her heritage was in another country. I often said that many adoptees have a hole in their hearts that we can't fill. It makes me sad because we adopt thinking that with love and support everything will be fine and then we find out that they aren't grateful, they wish they had been left with their birth family, even if that was impossible. And in the backs of their minds they blame us for their loss. It is no wonder they turn to substance abuse to dull the pain. I wish I could tell you everything would be ok but I can't. I do know you did everything you could to provide the love and support your kids need. You son is struggling, but hopefully he will find his way. My daughter will always struggle with alcohol abuse, it is in her genes. I can't prevent it no matter how hard I try. I have a very good friend who adopted two children. One of her daughters became pregnant and repeated the cycle of her birth mother. She had problems with attachment also as well as many other issues. She found her birth father and moved in with him and changed her first and last name to that which her birth mother gave her at birth. It was the ultimate rejection, not only her first but her last name. They were devastated and felt like they had just been babysitters for 22 years. The interesting thing is their daughter is now coming around more, has said that she made a mistake in changing her name, and my friends have helped provide some of the baby things she needed and has offered to babysit. My point is you never know what impact you have had on your child, it may take them a while to understand it but many do finally come to feel the love you have surrounded them with all along. [/QUOTE]
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