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<blockquote data-quote="rejectedmom" data-source="post: 525215" data-attributes="member: 2315"><p>Nancy, I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Twenty years ago the debate over nature vs. nurture was still raging. when I adopted I truly believed that nurture would win out (and it might still) but all evidence is pointing to genetics having more clout. The thing is we do not know what would have happened if we didn't intervene in our adopted difficult child's life. Mine was beaten starved and abused when I got him at 3 months. He had alot of medical problems and some mild deformities that we had surgically repaired. He likely would have been moved from one foster home to another and maybe tortured and maybe killed as a child. Instead he grew up in a loving home and was given much support and had many wonderful experiences. </p><p></p><p>I fostered many abused children over the years and with those kids I always held the "port in a storm" philosopy. I knew their future was "ify". I also knew that I probably would not have any lasting effect on them and I accepted that. It was enough for me that, for the time they were in my care, they were safe and happy. It took a while for me to be able to apply that same concept to my difficult child. I find I can do that now a little more and hopefully will finally have total acceptance. I do not keep pictures of him as an adult around, only his childhood pictures. Those early photos represent to me what I did accomplish and they are healthy for me to focus on. </p><p></p><p>This is all so raw and new for you. You need to take time to regroup and heal your hurting heart. We will always love our difficult child's. We will always wish things were different for them. BUT We do not have to like the person they have become and we are not responsible for their short-commings. When we truly believe that last bit we can move on. It is a process it takes time. Our happily ever after lies in the knowledge that we gave it our all... not in the outcomes. (((HUGS))) -RM</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rejectedmom, post: 525215, member: 2315"] Nancy, I am so sorry you are having a bad day. Twenty years ago the debate over nature vs. nurture was still raging. when I adopted I truly believed that nurture would win out (and it might still) but all evidence is pointing to genetics having more clout. The thing is we do not know what would have happened if we didn't intervene in our adopted difficult child's life. Mine was beaten starved and abused when I got him at 3 months. He had alot of medical problems and some mild deformities that we had surgically repaired. He likely would have been moved from one foster home to another and maybe tortured and maybe killed as a child. Instead he grew up in a loving home and was given much support and had many wonderful experiences. I fostered many abused children over the years and with those kids I always held the "port in a storm" philosopy. I knew their future was "ify". I also knew that I probably would not have any lasting effect on them and I accepted that. It was enough for me that, for the time they were in my care, they were safe and happy. It took a while for me to be able to apply that same concept to my difficult child. I find I can do that now a little more and hopefully will finally have total acceptance. I do not keep pictures of him as an adult around, only his childhood pictures. Those early photos represent to me what I did accomplish and they are healthy for me to focus on. This is all so raw and new for you. You need to take time to regroup and heal your hurting heart. We will always love our difficult child's. We will always wish things were different for them. BUT We do not have to like the person they have become and we are not responsible for their short-commings. When we truly believe that last bit we can move on. It is a process it takes time. Our happily ever after lies in the knowledge that we gave it our all... not in the outcomes. (((HUGS))) -RM [/QUOTE]
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