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Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 545421"><p>Hi Weary! My issues with my son are different than yours, but these are the guidelines for living at home that we set with him. That said, he is no longer living at home because he did not choose to follow them. And he has dropped out of school. So, I can't say with any confidence that they worked - except to say that it did make everything clear. Also, with all of my kids - I have found that stating "be home BEFORE midnight" is much more effective than "be home AT midnight." Even now, when easy child 18 says he will be home at 12:30, I say "before" 12:30. </p><p></p><p><em>You are our son and we love you no matter what. We will always welcome you into our family and we want you to be a part of our family life. Our home is open to you so long as you agree to respect and honor us as your parents and as homeowners. </em></p><p></p><p><em>Drug use, underage drinking and the accompanying lifestyle is NOT OK with us and never will be. And we will not support your lifestyle financially so long as you are smoking weed and drinking alcohol. So long as we know you could test positive for marijuana, you may not drive any of our vehicles. You are not welcome in our home if you are drunk or high. You may never bring drugs or drug paraphernalia into our home. If we find either, we will call the police. Premarital sexual activity and pornography are not welcome in our home at any time. If you are staying here, we expect you home by midnight on the weekdays and 1:30 on Friday & Saturday. This is not a curfew, we don't care how late you stay out when you are at school, rather this is us choosing our need to have restful sleep. If you want to stay out later, you needs to stay with a friend and notify us before 10pm that you will not be home. There is no place in our home for disruptive or violent behavior. You will be a good example to your brothers and not promote drug or alcohol use. We acknowledge and accept that you are an an adult and we would never dream of telling you what to do when you are living in your own apartment and supporting yourself. In the same light, this is OUR home and we have the right to set our own standard of living here. If you do not want to follow these guidelines, you are not welcome to stay here. If you chose to stay here and do not respect our wishes, you must leave. </em></p><p></p><p><em>Additionally, we are willing to pay your tuition if you maintain a B- Average, give us full access to your grades online and complete 14+ hours a semester. </em></p><p>As I said, it didn't quite work out for us, but I don't think that setting the guidelines is what caused it to fail. We were having problems and he had all ready moved out. Our therapist said we needed to start taking back the control and suggested we set guidelines and communicate them directly to him before we let him back in our home. We went up to visit him and had the very discussion above with him. He agreed to them and he did come home for Christmas break - but after a month it was clear to all of us that home wasn't the right place for him. He wanted to call the shots and that wasn't going to happen here. Having had the guidelines was helpful because it gave us a clear picture if that makes sense. ALso, after we talked to difficult child, we had a talk with easy child and set the same guidelines for him. This is how we chose to live our life in our home.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 545421"] Hi Weary! My issues with my son are different than yours, but these are the guidelines for living at home that we set with him. That said, he is no longer living at home because he did not choose to follow them. And he has dropped out of school. So, I can't say with any confidence that they worked - except to say that it did make everything clear. Also, with all of my kids - I have found that stating "be home BEFORE midnight" is much more effective than "be home AT midnight." Even now, when easy child 18 says he will be home at 12:30, I say "before" 12:30. [I]You are our son and we love you no matter what. We will always welcome you into our family and we want you to be a part of our family life. Our home is open to you so long as you agree to respect and honor us as your parents and as homeowners. [/I] [I]Drug use, underage drinking and the accompanying lifestyle is NOT OK with us and never will be. And we will not support your lifestyle financially so long as you are smoking weed and drinking alcohol. So long as we know you could test positive for marijuana, you may not drive any of our vehicles. You are not welcome in our home if you are drunk or high. You may never bring drugs or drug paraphernalia into our home. If we find either, we will call the police. Premarital sexual activity and pornography are not welcome in our home at any time. If you are staying here, we expect you home by midnight on the weekdays and 1:30 on Friday & Saturday. This is not a curfew, we don't care how late you stay out when you are at school, rather this is us choosing our need to have restful sleep. If you want to stay out later, you needs to stay with a friend and notify us before 10pm that you will not be home. There is no place in our home for disruptive or violent behavior. You will be a good example to your brothers and not promote drug or alcohol use. We acknowledge and accept that you are an an adult and we would never dream of telling you what to do when you are living in your own apartment and supporting yourself. In the same light, this is OUR home and we have the right to set our own standard of living here. If you do not want to follow these guidelines, you are not welcome to stay here. If you chose to stay here and do not respect our wishes, you must leave. [/I] [I]Additionally, we are willing to pay your tuition if you maintain a B- Average, give us full access to your grades online and complete 14+ hours a semester. [/I] As I said, it didn't quite work out for us, but I don't think that setting the guidelines is what caused it to fail. We were having problems and he had all ready moved out. Our therapist said we needed to start taking back the control and suggested we set guidelines and communicate them directly to him before we let him back in our home. We went up to visit him and had the very discussion above with him. He agreed to them and he did come home for Christmas break - but after a month it was clear to all of us that home wasn't the right place for him. He wanted to call the shots and that wasn't going to happen here. Having had the guidelines was helpful because it gave us a clear picture if that makes sense. ALso, after we talked to difficult child, we had a talk with easy child and set the same guidelines for him. This is how we chose to live our life in our home. [/QUOTE]
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