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Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 545433" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Hi WW, you've received good healthy advice from the other parents. Having raised 3 teenagers now, the one reaction I had to your post is that you are smack in the middle of the process of change that I think we all go through with all the kids, difficult child's and easy child's. I believe it's the age old tug of war of them fighting for their independence and us holding onto control and that usually equals dissatisfaction on both sides. It's a balancing act, for sure. You let go a little, they grab hold, you hold on, they fight you. Some of it is typical teen behavior of asserting themselves, with all their bravado of knowing it all too. I used to have a plaque when my daughter was a teen that said, "hire a teenager today,while they still know everything." It can be exhausting. </p><p></p><p> I think it's a negotiation. I found sometimes that instead of forcing rules and attempting control at these ages, sitting down and having a discussion about all the different aspects of your expectations and his worked better for me. Talk it over, give him a chance to voice his opinions and feelings, and you and your husband do the same, but always holding on to the points that are non negotiable for you. I found that agreements worked better then force. If you set clear consequences and everyone is on the same page, he is aware of what you expect and if he breaks the agreement, there is no doubt he has to deal with the consequences. This way he's a willing participant not just a kid whose being told what to do. That seems to be what they rebel against most while they are asserting their rights to be an adult. It's a difficult balance to try to keep them safe, often from themselves, while we let go and allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. That line is the line you're trying to find right now,and it's different for all of us, we are different parents and we have different kids, but the bottom line is that it's a double edged sword, their independence versus our parental control and it's a whole new ball game from when they were young and we made all the choices for them. And, at some point we have to begin to trust their choices even if we don't agree with them, it's part of letting go.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 545433, member: 13542"] Hi WW, you've received good healthy advice from the other parents. Having raised 3 teenagers now, the one reaction I had to your post is that you are smack in the middle of the process of change that I think we all go through with all the kids, difficult child's and easy child's. I believe it's the age old tug of war of them fighting for their independence and us holding onto control and that usually equals dissatisfaction on both sides. It's a balancing act, for sure. You let go a little, they grab hold, you hold on, they fight you. Some of it is typical teen behavior of asserting themselves, with all their bravado of knowing it all too. I used to have a plaque when my daughter was a teen that said, "hire a teenager today,while they still know everything." It can be exhausting. I think it's a negotiation. I found sometimes that instead of forcing rules and attempting control at these ages, sitting down and having a discussion about all the different aspects of your expectations and his worked better for me. Talk it over, give him a chance to voice his opinions and feelings, and you and your husband do the same, but always holding on to the points that are non negotiable for you. I found that agreements worked better then force. If you set clear consequences and everyone is on the same page, he is aware of what you expect and if he breaks the agreement, there is no doubt he has to deal with the consequences. This way he's a willing participant not just a kid whose being told what to do. That seems to be what they rebel against most while they are asserting their rights to be an adult. It's a difficult balance to try to keep them safe, often from themselves, while we let go and allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. That line is the line you're trying to find right now,and it's different for all of us, we are different parents and we have different kids, but the bottom line is that it's a double edged sword, their independence versus our parental control and it's a whole new ball game from when they were young and we made all the choices for them. And, at some point we have to begin to trust their choices even if we don't agree with them, it's part of letting go. [/QUOTE]
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