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Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyWoman" data-source="post: 545548"><p>I appreciate everyone's thoughts, and I've been really thinking about all that's been said. </p><p></p><p>JT's ADHD has made it difficult for him to self regulate. So, things like controlling his impulses and emotions are challenging for him. He is also a risk seeker at times. Although, with his medication and just maturing in his ability to manage his symptoms, he is generally doing okay. It seems like things tend to be fine for a while, and then sometimes, all of a sudden, he has a serious lapse in judgment and something major happens. He was caught stealing money and an i-pod as a freshman in high school. The police and court system were involved. JT lied about the theft. After being caught once, he repeated the behavior and was caught twice more in a short amount of time after that. We had difficulty understanding why he did this when he had money of his own and the ability to purchase his own i-pod, etc. He never even spent any of the money, but he engraved his initials in the i-pod to make it appear like it was his. JT reported that he stole for the thrill of it more than anything.</p><p></p><p>Another time, JT was involved with horseplay in the locker room at school that really amounted to a hazing incident of a younger teammate. JT had been hazed himself at that age by older teammates, and he has been bullied in the past. JT received serious consequences for that incident. As parents, we were threatened to be held accountable for JT's actions in this case - on the hook legally.</p><p></p><p>We realized that JT was getting into trouble during unsupervised after-school time. So, we no longer allowed him to stay after school unless he was practicing with a team for a sport (structured and supervised by a coach). </p><p></p><p>To our knowledge, JT has avoided alcohol, other drugs, and cigarettes. He is an athlete and seems to want to be healthy. Also, he understands the negative impact of these things.</p><p></p><p>JT is not receiving therapy, however, we have worked together to help him manage his ADHD symptoms and decision making. He goes to church camp every year for a week and enjoys the acceptance he receives there.</p><p></p><p>We allowed JT to make up his own mind about college and the career he wants to pursue. Honestly, I was quite surprised when he said he wanted to go to a university for a bachelor degree. He is extremely mechanically inclined and great at math and science. He is going into a mechanical/industrial field, and there are only two universities in the state that have the facilities and equipment to offer the degree, so going to a local college wasn't an option for his degree choice. His university dorm will have plenty of rules, including a curfew, noise restrictions, and alcohol/drug and behavior policies. The university has its own police department. We support his decision, and honestly, if he were living at home and going local, I'm not sure things would be any easier.</p><p></p><p>JT has no trouble sleeping. He gets up at 5 a.m. and works 10 - 12 hours on his construction job and also runs daily. He likes to watch TV in the evenings, but he often falls asleep before 10 p.m. even. He seems to need a lot of sleep. </p><p></p><p>I'm surprised that so many people have no curfews for their adult children while living at home. I know plenty of easy child parents who do have curfews. JT often fails to call and check in or come home when he says he's coming home. </p><p></p><p>Allan, it sounds like you have been able to let go of control and worry. Maybe you're right that I have a problem because I worry about my son's safety and whereabouts late at night and would like him to be home by a certain time. However, sometimes bad things happen. I was on the receiving end of a very late-night phone call once that a family member (18yo difficult child) and four of his same-age friends were killed in a one-vehicle accident. They had been driving too fast together in a car on a winding, country road when they crashed into a ditch at a speed so fast, the car split in two. Alcohol was involved. All five died instantly. The devastating impact this had on our family and all other families involved, as well as the community, cannot be understated. My JT has some traits that put him at risk for something like this. He is exactly the same age as these boys were at the time of their death. I do worry about where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. I understand this is a time of transition, and I realize I need to let go more. Not everyone's experiences are the same, and that's okay. My experience of letting go may be different than yours, but I will successfully transition. I'm working on it, and that's why I'm here.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyWoman, post: 545548"] I appreciate everyone's thoughts, and I've been really thinking about all that's been said. JT's ADHD has made it difficult for him to self regulate. So, things like controlling his impulses and emotions are challenging for him. He is also a risk seeker at times. Although, with his medication and just maturing in his ability to manage his symptoms, he is generally doing okay. It seems like things tend to be fine for a while, and then sometimes, all of a sudden, he has a serious lapse in judgment and something major happens. He was caught stealing money and an i-pod as a freshman in high school. The police and court system were involved. JT lied about the theft. After being caught once, he repeated the behavior and was caught twice more in a short amount of time after that. We had difficulty understanding why he did this when he had money of his own and the ability to purchase his own i-pod, etc. He never even spent any of the money, but he engraved his initials in the i-pod to make it appear like it was his. JT reported that he stole for the thrill of it more than anything. Another time, JT was involved with horseplay in the locker room at school that really amounted to a hazing incident of a younger teammate. JT had been hazed himself at that age by older teammates, and he has been bullied in the past. JT received serious consequences for that incident. As parents, we were threatened to be held accountable for JT's actions in this case - on the hook legally. We realized that JT was getting into trouble during unsupervised after-school time. So, we no longer allowed him to stay after school unless he was practicing with a team for a sport (structured and supervised by a coach). To our knowledge, JT has avoided alcohol, other drugs, and cigarettes. He is an athlete and seems to want to be healthy. Also, he understands the negative impact of these things. JT is not receiving therapy, however, we have worked together to help him manage his ADHD symptoms and decision making. He goes to church camp every year for a week and enjoys the acceptance he receives there. We allowed JT to make up his own mind about college and the career he wants to pursue. Honestly, I was quite surprised when he said he wanted to go to a university for a bachelor degree. He is extremely mechanically inclined and great at math and science. He is going into a mechanical/industrial field, and there are only two universities in the state that have the facilities and equipment to offer the degree, so going to a local college wasn't an option for his degree choice. His university dorm will have plenty of rules, including a curfew, noise restrictions, and alcohol/drug and behavior policies. The university has its own police department. We support his decision, and honestly, if he were living at home and going local, I'm not sure things would be any easier. JT has no trouble sleeping. He gets up at 5 a.m. and works 10 - 12 hours on his construction job and also runs daily. He likes to watch TV in the evenings, but he often falls asleep before 10 p.m. even. He seems to need a lot of sleep. I'm surprised that so many people have no curfews for their adult children while living at home. I know plenty of easy child parents who do have curfews. JT often fails to call and check in or come home when he says he's coming home. Allan, it sounds like you have been able to let go of control and worry. Maybe you're right that I have a problem because I worry about my son's safety and whereabouts late at night and would like him to be home by a certain time. However, sometimes bad things happen. I was on the receiving end of a very late-night phone call once that a family member (18yo difficult child) and four of his same-age friends were killed in a one-vehicle accident. They had been driving too fast together in a car on a winding, country road when they crashed into a ditch at a speed so fast, the car split in two. Alcohol was involved. All five died instantly. The devastating impact this had on our family and all other families involved, as well as the community, cannot be understated. My JT has some traits that put him at risk for something like this. He is exactly the same age as these boys were at the time of their death. I do worry about where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing. I understand this is a time of transition, and I realize I need to let go more. Not everyone's experiences are the same, and that's okay. My experience of letting go may be different than yours, but I will successfully transition. I'm working on it, and that's why I'm here. [/QUOTE]
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