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Rules/Curfews for College-Age difficult children when at Home
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<blockquote data-quote="WearyWoman" data-source="post: 545570"><p>I feel like I'm being hit over the head here. So, this is a difficult time for us, as our son goes off to college and our role changes in his life. Seriously, has no one else here experienced any challenges with this, especially with special needs children?</p><p></p><p>I do not wish to "control and infantalize" my adult son. Those are very strong words that carry a condescending tone when used together. If JT starts failing classes in college because of poor choices, we need to make a decision as to whether we wish to continue to pay for an education that may not result in a degree. Even the scholarships he has received have stipulations, such as maintaining a certain grade-point average and number of credits, etc. Athletic scholarships also have requirements. These are not meant to control or infantalize, but to ensure appropriate effort on the part of the recipient.</p><p></p><p>Our son has managed to seriously abuse a lot of freedoms in his time, causing him and us a lot of grief, unfortunately. I could go on about all of these incidents over the years, but in most cases, they happened because he had difficulty controlling himself and telling himself "no" when he needed to. Not all kids have the same maturity and neurology at any given age. Obviously, JT needs to become more and more independent during these years. I'm asking for help with some of the specifics of our changing relationship going forward.</p><p></p><p>MWM - I'm pretty sure it is possible to worry about a child their entire life. I have anxiety, and I am a worrier, and I have experienced trauma, however, I do not want to worry about him his entire life in a way that is unhealthy for me either. I'm trying to get to that point, and I'm having a hard time, okay? I thought this was a place where it is okay to be having a hard time and seek out support. </p><p></p><p>You're right that I cannot protect JT from everything awful that could happen, but good choices can minimize risk to some extent. Being out on the road at 2 a.m. in Wisconsin, where there are bars on many corners, and over 23% of adults are binge drinkers and shockingly, the same percentage of people over the age of 16 have driven under the influence over a one-year period, is more risky than at other times of the day. </p><p></p><p>Your comment about college dorms being hotbeds for sex, drugs, and extreme bullying, followed by the question of whether my son is "up for it" are provocative in that on the one hand you encourage me not to worry and to just let go, but on the other hand, you suggest that I am letting him go into this horrible situation. It also comes across as though you think I am hopelessly naive about college life. I happen to be a college instructor. I am not naive. I work with college kids every single day, and I see a host of reasons why some do not succeed in their academic programs. Colleges and universities are attempting to address these issues so that more students do succeed. I know this because I am involved with college success teams. JT will be on an alcohol-free floor for example. He is an honor student, and the honors living halls offer the opportunity to be housed with other honors students and have more restrictive rules. Quiet study floors and quiet hours are in place, and courtesy hours are round-the-clock. Residence halls close to the public overnight. At least one resident advisor is on duty each evening, and a security assistant monitors the buildings overnight. The university police services are dedicated only to the university. I disagree with your statement that there are no adults to enforce rules on college campuses. That is simply not true. I know because I am employed at a college and have years of first-hand experience. In fact, there are more safety procedures in place than ever, many of them taking advantage of new technologies. Are these things bullet-proof measures to ensure the absolute safety of everyone at all times? Of course not, but you bet I'm going to make my son aware so he will hopefully take advantage of these things - surrounding himself with positive people and a good support system and adopting good habits in college.</p><p></p><p>So far, what I've taken away from this discussion is that I need to give JT more freedom to make his own decisions, while preserving consideration for others in the home as well. A conversation sounds like the way to go versus arbitrary rules. Any house courtesies we establish should be for the benefit of all of us, not for behavioral control. These are good thoughts. I understand that my role as a parent is changing, and I want to make the transition positive.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="WearyWoman, post: 545570"] I feel like I'm being hit over the head here. So, this is a difficult time for us, as our son goes off to college and our role changes in his life. Seriously, has no one else here experienced any challenges with this, especially with special needs children? I do not wish to "control and infantalize" my adult son. Those are very strong words that carry a condescending tone when used together. If JT starts failing classes in college because of poor choices, we need to make a decision as to whether we wish to continue to pay for an education that may not result in a degree. Even the scholarships he has received have stipulations, such as maintaining a certain grade-point average and number of credits, etc. Athletic scholarships also have requirements. These are not meant to control or infantalize, but to ensure appropriate effort on the part of the recipient. Our son has managed to seriously abuse a lot of freedoms in his time, causing him and us a lot of grief, unfortunately. I could go on about all of these incidents over the years, but in most cases, they happened because he had difficulty controlling himself and telling himself "no" when he needed to. Not all kids have the same maturity and neurology at any given age. Obviously, JT needs to become more and more independent during these years. I'm asking for help with some of the specifics of our changing relationship going forward. MWM - I'm pretty sure it is possible to worry about a child their entire life. I have anxiety, and I am a worrier, and I have experienced trauma, however, I do not want to worry about him his entire life in a way that is unhealthy for me either. I'm trying to get to that point, and I'm having a hard time, okay? I thought this was a place where it is okay to be having a hard time and seek out support. You're right that I cannot protect JT from everything awful that could happen, but good choices can minimize risk to some extent. Being out on the road at 2 a.m. in Wisconsin, where there are bars on many corners, and over 23% of adults are binge drinkers and shockingly, the same percentage of people over the age of 16 have driven under the influence over a one-year period, is more risky than at other times of the day. Your comment about college dorms being hotbeds for sex, drugs, and extreme bullying, followed by the question of whether my son is "up for it" are provocative in that on the one hand you encourage me not to worry and to just let go, but on the other hand, you suggest that I am letting him go into this horrible situation. It also comes across as though you think I am hopelessly naive about college life. I happen to be a college instructor. I am not naive. I work with college kids every single day, and I see a host of reasons why some do not succeed in their academic programs. Colleges and universities are attempting to address these issues so that more students do succeed. I know this because I am involved with college success teams. JT will be on an alcohol-free floor for example. He is an honor student, and the honors living halls offer the opportunity to be housed with other honors students and have more restrictive rules. Quiet study floors and quiet hours are in place, and courtesy hours are round-the-clock. Residence halls close to the public overnight. At least one resident advisor is on duty each evening, and a security assistant monitors the buildings overnight. The university police services are dedicated only to the university. I disagree with your statement that there are no adults to enforce rules on college campuses. That is simply not true. I know because I am employed at a college and have years of first-hand experience. In fact, there are more safety procedures in place than ever, many of them taking advantage of new technologies. Are these things bullet-proof measures to ensure the absolute safety of everyone at all times? Of course not, but you bet I'm going to make my son aware so he will hopefully take advantage of these things - surrounding himself with positive people and a good support system and adopting good habits in college. So far, what I've taken away from this discussion is that I need to give JT more freedom to make his own decisions, while preserving consideration for others in the home as well. A conversation sounds like the way to go versus arbitrary rules. Any house courtesies we establish should be for the benefit of all of us, not for behavioral control. These are good thoughts. I understand that my role as a parent is changing, and I want to make the transition positive. [/QUOTE]
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