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Sage of the Prodigal Son (Need advice)
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<blockquote data-quote="Elsi" data-source="post: 742573" data-attributes="member: 23349"><p>Laura, I know this has been stressful, but it sounds like it hasn't been a complete disaster! Even with our "easy" adult children, it can cause stress to have them back in out space after you're used to having them out. This goes double when you are with a non-parent partner who is used to having things be just the two of you. I know it puts you in a hard position. But the good news is you son has found something else to stay and is looking for jobs. And you have had some decent, if not perfect, interactions with him. </p><p></p><p>I think you're going to have to get really good at sticking to your boundaries and ignoring any resulting tantrums or snits. </p><p>- Mom can you do x?</p><p>- Sorry, no, that doesn't work. I could do Y, or you can figure out your own answers. (If you even feel like offering a Y - you don't have to!)</p><p>- What? Why? But (insert adult tantrum here)!</p><p>- Sorry, that doesn't work, you'll have to figure out something else. The most I can do is Y. </p><p>- You're so (selfish/mean/whatever)</p><p>- Sorry you feel that way. I've got to go now. If you decide Y will work for you, let me know. </p><p></p><p>I freelance, and it took me YEARS to train everyone in my life that yes, this is a real job, and no, just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm available. I may be my own boss, but I have to answer to my clients and if I don't meet deadlines they don't come back. And if I do take a day off to deal with unexpected drama, it costs me real money. No such thing as paid time off in my world! It wasn't just my difficult ones that needed training. It was my mother, my sister, my "easy" children, my friends. Even my partner when we were first together. People think if you're working at home you're not really working. Hold your ground! Don't let anyone tell you your work isn't real or doesn't matter! </p><p></p><p>Set your boundaries. Don't let him take money or time from you that you don't have to give. Give only what you can afford, what you can give cheerfully, and believe has a real chance at helping. Don't let him make his problems yours. If he wants to stay out late partying, how he gets home is HIS problem. You don't owe him an Uber. I will cheerfully help my kids with things that will help them take steps forward - clothes for an interview, help with an application, books for school, etc. I don't help them out with day to day life or rescue them from their own choices and they know that now. The more consistent you are with holding those boundaries the faster they learn and the fewer tantrums you will see, because they know it won't get them anywhere. (Kind of like puppy training...consistency counts!)</p><p></p><p>I find it works better to refuse to fight. I don't let myself respond with emotion. I try to keep my No's cheerful and matter of fact. I don't rise to their bait. </p><p></p><p>And yes, choose your battles. Let the small stuff slide right now. Your husband will have to also. It might help to get really clear on your boundaries yourself, on the kinds of things you are and aren't willing to do and why, and explain this to your husband so he knows where you are coming from. He is afraid that you are going to let your son leech off of you indefinitely in ways that impact both of you negatively. He wants to put his foot down because he is afraid you won't. If you can reassure him that you are clear on your boundaries, and you both are clear in advance on what you will and won't do, he may back off some. I hope so. You don't need conflict there also. </p><p></p><p>Good luck. You're going through a rocky transition time. Hopefully it will get easier as time goes on.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Elsi, post: 742573, member: 23349"] Laura, I know this has been stressful, but it sounds like it hasn't been a complete disaster! Even with our "easy" adult children, it can cause stress to have them back in out space after you're used to having them out. This goes double when you are with a non-parent partner who is used to having things be just the two of you. I know it puts you in a hard position. But the good news is you son has found something else to stay and is looking for jobs. And you have had some decent, if not perfect, interactions with him. I think you're going to have to get really good at sticking to your boundaries and ignoring any resulting tantrums or snits. - Mom can you do x? - Sorry, no, that doesn't work. I could do Y, or you can figure out your own answers. (If you even feel like offering a Y - you don't have to!) - What? Why? But (insert adult tantrum here)! - Sorry, that doesn't work, you'll have to figure out something else. The most I can do is Y. - You're so (selfish/mean/whatever) - Sorry you feel that way. I've got to go now. If you decide Y will work for you, let me know. I freelance, and it took me YEARS to train everyone in my life that yes, this is a real job, and no, just because I'm home doesn't mean I'm available. I may be my own boss, but I have to answer to my clients and if I don't meet deadlines they don't come back. And if I do take a day off to deal with unexpected drama, it costs me real money. No such thing as paid time off in my world! It wasn't just my difficult ones that needed training. It was my mother, my sister, my "easy" children, my friends. Even my partner when we were first together. People think if you're working at home you're not really working. Hold your ground! Don't let anyone tell you your work isn't real or doesn't matter! Set your boundaries. Don't let him take money or time from you that you don't have to give. Give only what you can afford, what you can give cheerfully, and believe has a real chance at helping. Don't let him make his problems yours. If he wants to stay out late partying, how he gets home is HIS problem. You don't owe him an Uber. I will cheerfully help my kids with things that will help them take steps forward - clothes for an interview, help with an application, books for school, etc. I don't help them out with day to day life or rescue them from their own choices and they know that now. The more consistent you are with holding those boundaries the faster they learn and the fewer tantrums you will see, because they know it won't get them anywhere. (Kind of like puppy training...consistency counts!) I find it works better to refuse to fight. I don't let myself respond with emotion. I try to keep my No's cheerful and matter of fact. I don't rise to their bait. And yes, choose your battles. Let the small stuff slide right now. Your husband will have to also. It might help to get really clear on your boundaries yourself, on the kinds of things you are and aren't willing to do and why, and explain this to your husband so he knows where you are coming from. He is afraid that you are going to let your son leech off of you indefinitely in ways that impact both of you negatively. He wants to put his foot down because he is afraid you won't. If you can reassure him that you are clear on your boundaries, and you both are clear in advance on what you will and won't do, he may back off some. I hope so. You don't need conflict there also. Good luck. You're going through a rocky transition time. Hopefully it will get easier as time goes on. [/QUOTE]
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