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Santa's not coming here tonight!
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 110229" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi and welcome, </p><p></p><p>I canceled Christmas this year. difficult child is 17, in a group home and not making much progress. HOWEVER: I did not cancel the holiday in my heart or it's true meaning. That I hold very sacred and dear. </p><p>What I canceled instead was our traditional way of celebrating because my son has made me so incredibly sad all year long that I couldn't cope with it - none of it. </p><p></p><p>I tried suggestions given to me here by board members - I volunteered, gave to charity and kept to my promise and did not at the last minute run out to buy meaningless gifts for my son. In years past he's always bored by noon, and instead of entertaining himself drives us UP the wall (literally) until he got his way or got to go be with his friends whom we are sure didn't really want him at THEIR family holiday celebrations. And Goodness knows what he told anyone we were like. </p><p></p><p>When my son was younger - as a single Mom I struggled to make ends meet but ALWAYS ALWAYS made sure his Christmases were like toyland. I have no extended family, there's just me and my Mom 600 miles away. My sister (whole other story) </p><p></p><p>I went without, did three times the work to pay for things, and did the best I could to decorate amid arguments, yelling, throwing things, his tantrums, storming out - slamming doors, messing his room up, breaking windows, throwing his mattresses out the window in the yard for everyone to see, breaking the louvres off the closet door and ultimately them, breaking the door, kicking holes in the wall, TEARING UP the carpet, tearing out the phone lines, lying in bed shooting bug spray at the ceiling with the windows open and the light on to attract bugs, taking all his newly washed clothes (that I did as a favor) and throwing them on the ground, spray painting a bike in the house in his room, busting up all his toys,antagonizing the dogs, breaking a window in the garage, using all his dads hardwood to build a fort, playing his stereo too loud, using my washcloths, to clean his dirty tennis shoes with my household cleaners, dumping all the shampoo and liquid soap out in the bathrooms, clogging the toilet, taking his door completely off the hinges, letting the tub run over into the hall, ruining the carpet and floors, crapping in his pants and hiding it all over the house, breaking into our locked doors, stealing things, having to be served through a straw for a broken jaw he got in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then finally being with 2 thugs who already were on probation for breaking and entering and robbing local homes. When that happened he tried to swallow a bottle of pills and got sent to the psychiatric hospital and from there was arrested and taken to jail. And his latest episode - calling the family of his biodad who wants to kill me and is why we've been in hiding for years. Nice. </p><p></p><p>So with all that - I had a break down - OH and the above - with the exception of the broken jaw was done in 3 days time. </p><p></p><p>YUP - I had a breakdown, uncontrollable laughter and then I had 2 huge anxiety attacks that led to a stroke. I'm sick, I'm tired and I don't much feel like making Merry for his benefit. If he has memories of today - so be it. I hope he can overlook it and remember the better Christmases gone by that I did go overboard. If he can't ? I'm no less off and this time I don't feel like an after Christmas idiot for going without, doing without, stressing out, and wracking myself for trying to make it a Merry day only to be told by noon - he wants to leave and by 4:00 PM that I'm a total jerk, he got stupid toys that break and watching him melt into another MEMORABLE holiday tantrum. </p><p></p><p>Eleven years and counting - </p><p></p><p>So if I was wrong - it's my sin to contend with. We did talk on the phone, he did wish me a Merry Christmas, he did call back and wish me a good holiday again, and not the teeniest bit sarcastic. When he asked what we were having for dinner I told him a frozen TV dinner. Nothing hard - no stress for one year. I've made my peace with God about it, remembered to keep today holy and thanked him for the blessings I do have. But NO MORE praying for patience to deal with difficult child. Just the ability to rise above the occasion. </p><p></p><p>I told him he has exactly 364 days from today to celebrate Christmas next year with us IF he planned on changing his attitude. If not - it will be another holiday without him. </p><p></p><p>I can recommend that you and your hubby get into some sort of family therapy because you're going to need it. Locking your kid in his room (while appealing) isn't helping him at all. I'd probably lock myself in it. BUT (seriously) if you want to figure out how to outwit this kid at his own game - get a good psychologist and start putting into play some of the plans you come up with in therapy. It helped us, because now I'm not feeling sorry for my son and further jepordizing his chances at a healthy mental state - I'm cutting the string and telling him I'm REALLY REALLY not going to play your game any more - not today, not Christmas day, not tomorrow - not at all. If you want to help him? Get a psychiatric - and learn how to outplay him - it will help YOU communicate with your son, it will help you and husband become a united front to your son, it will help his brother to understand what is going on - and it will show him every day where you drew the line. </p><p></p><p>You're going to have to have a plan if you intend on keeping this kid in your home. You can get services for respit (weekend sitters), and help with placement in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s if it gets that bad - but at this point I would say your best bet is on a psychiatric that will teach you how to outwit - the kid. </p><p></p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 110229, member: 4964"] Hi and welcome, I canceled Christmas this year. difficult child is 17, in a group home and not making much progress. HOWEVER: I did not cancel the holiday in my heart or it's true meaning. That I hold very sacred and dear. What I canceled instead was our traditional way of celebrating because my son has made me so incredibly sad all year long that I couldn't cope with it - none of it. I tried suggestions given to me here by board members - I volunteered, gave to charity and kept to my promise and did not at the last minute run out to buy meaningless gifts for my son. In years past he's always bored by noon, and instead of entertaining himself drives us UP the wall (literally) until he got his way or got to go be with his friends whom we are sure didn't really want him at THEIR family holiday celebrations. And Goodness knows what he told anyone we were like. When my son was younger - as a single Mom I struggled to make ends meet but ALWAYS ALWAYS made sure his Christmases were like toyland. I have no extended family, there's just me and my Mom 600 miles away. My sister (whole other story) I went without, did three times the work to pay for things, and did the best I could to decorate amid arguments, yelling, throwing things, his tantrums, storming out - slamming doors, messing his room up, breaking windows, throwing his mattresses out the window in the yard for everyone to see, breaking the louvres off the closet door and ultimately them, breaking the door, kicking holes in the wall, TEARING UP the carpet, tearing out the phone lines, lying in bed shooting bug spray at the ceiling with the windows open and the light on to attract bugs, taking all his newly washed clothes (that I did as a favor) and throwing them on the ground, spray painting a bike in the house in his room, busting up all his toys,antagonizing the dogs, breaking a window in the garage, using all his dads hardwood to build a fort, playing his stereo too loud, using my washcloths, to clean his dirty tennis shoes with my household cleaners, dumping all the shampoo and liquid soap out in the bathrooms, clogging the toilet, taking his door completely off the hinges, letting the tub run over into the hall, ruining the carpet and floors, crapping in his pants and hiding it all over the house, breaking into our locked doors, stealing things, having to be served through a straw for a broken jaw he got in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and then finally being with 2 thugs who already were on probation for breaking and entering and robbing local homes. When that happened he tried to swallow a bottle of pills and got sent to the psychiatric hospital and from there was arrested and taken to jail. And his latest episode - calling the family of his biodad who wants to kill me and is why we've been in hiding for years. Nice. So with all that - I had a break down - OH and the above - with the exception of the broken jaw was done in 3 days time. YUP - I had a breakdown, uncontrollable laughter and then I had 2 huge anxiety attacks that led to a stroke. I'm sick, I'm tired and I don't much feel like making Merry for his benefit. If he has memories of today - so be it. I hope he can overlook it and remember the better Christmases gone by that I did go overboard. If he can't ? I'm no less off and this time I don't feel like an after Christmas idiot for going without, doing without, stressing out, and wracking myself for trying to make it a Merry day only to be told by noon - he wants to leave and by 4:00 PM that I'm a total jerk, he got stupid toys that break and watching him melt into another MEMORABLE holiday tantrum. Eleven years and counting - So if I was wrong - it's my sin to contend with. We did talk on the phone, he did wish me a Merry Christmas, he did call back and wish me a good holiday again, and not the teeniest bit sarcastic. When he asked what we were having for dinner I told him a frozen TV dinner. Nothing hard - no stress for one year. I've made my peace with God about it, remembered to keep today holy and thanked him for the blessings I do have. But NO MORE praying for patience to deal with difficult child. Just the ability to rise above the occasion. I told him he has exactly 364 days from today to celebrate Christmas next year with us IF he planned on changing his attitude. If not - it will be another holiday without him. I can recommend that you and your hubby get into some sort of family therapy because you're going to need it. Locking your kid in his room (while appealing) isn't helping him at all. I'd probably lock myself in it. BUT (seriously) if you want to figure out how to outwit this kid at his own game - get a good psychologist and start putting into play some of the plans you come up with in therapy. It helped us, because now I'm not feeling sorry for my son and further jepordizing his chances at a healthy mental state - I'm cutting the string and telling him I'm REALLY REALLY not going to play your game any more - not today, not Christmas day, not tomorrow - not at all. If you want to help him? Get a psychiatric - and learn how to outplay him - it will help YOU communicate with your son, it will help you and husband become a united front to your son, it will help his brother to understand what is going on - and it will show him every day where you drew the line. You're going to have to have a plan if you intend on keeping this kid in your home. You can get services for respit (weekend sitters), and help with placement in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s if it gets that bad - but at this point I would say your best bet is on a psychiatric that will teach you how to outwit - the kid. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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