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Saying no
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 621929" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It is good to share our strength in this way, good to be reminded why we chose the way we chose. I love the quote about needing the silence between us so both can do the hard work we need to do.</p><p></p><p>Very appropriate to me, this morning.</p><p></p><p> "...so we can BOTH do the hard work...."</p><p></p><p>I am continually surprised by my own anger, by my arrogance and resentment.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>With every day you are here, Strength, you are changing your mind, enlarging your vision of what is happening with your son and learning about what other, different feeling-responses to the situations your son sets up might be. One day, and I think it will not be too long now, things will just look different. You really won't be able to justify giving him money to throw into that same, dark hole all the money disappears down. The resentment you will feel once you no longer feel responsible for your son's choices (and the consequences he chose right along with them) will become the primary feeling state, even if you do continue to help him.</p><p></p><p>But the day will come when, as COM posted, we say NO and, instead of beating ourselves up over it, learn to celebrate it. We learn to choose to celebrate ourselves, to defiantly celebrate our strength and the feeling, finally, of independence from the children who use our love for them to blackmail us with their own well-being.</p><p></p><p>What it feels like is being back in my own life. I am not afraid to risk spending my own money because I don't know how much the kids are going to cost.</p><p></p><p>IT FEELS REALLY GOOD.</p><p></p><p>It feels so good to know we can plan our financial picture with some accuracy. No more blackmail. No more paying protection money to the racketeering gangster who looks like my son.</p><p></p><p>NO.</p><p></p><p>That is a good word.</p><p></p><p>I sort of feel like a toddler again.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>NO.</p><p></p><p>That is the sound of freedom.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>And it was the saying "no" that freed me to miss and cherish the son I once had, and to view with utter callousness the person who has taken his place.</p><p></p><p>I am his mother.</p><p></p><p>I know who my son was raised to be.</p><p></p><p>And it isn't the guy in charge, today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 621929, member: 17461"] It is good to share our strength in this way, good to be reminded why we chose the way we chose. I love the quote about needing the silence between us so both can do the hard work we need to do. Very appropriate to me, this morning. "...so we can BOTH do the hard work...." I am continually surprised by my own anger, by my arrogance and resentment. With every day you are here, Strength, you are changing your mind, enlarging your vision of what is happening with your son and learning about what other, different feeling-responses to the situations your son sets up might be. One day, and I think it will not be too long now, things will just look different. You really won't be able to justify giving him money to throw into that same, dark hole all the money disappears down. The resentment you will feel once you no longer feel responsible for your son's choices (and the consequences he chose right along with them) will become the primary feeling state, even if you do continue to help him. But the day will come when, as COM posted, we say NO and, instead of beating ourselves up over it, learn to celebrate it. We learn to choose to celebrate ourselves, to defiantly celebrate our strength and the feeling, finally, of independence from the children who use our love for them to blackmail us with their own well-being. What it feels like is being back in my own life. I am not afraid to risk spending my own money because I don't know how much the kids are going to cost. IT FEELS REALLY GOOD. It feels so good to know we can plan our financial picture with some accuracy. No more blackmail. No more paying protection money to the racketeering gangster who looks like my son. NO. That is a good word. I sort of feel like a toddler again. :O) NO. That is the sound of freedom. Cedar And it was the saying "no" that freed me to miss and cherish the son I once had, and to view with utter callousness the person who has taken his place. I am his mother. I know who my son was raised to be. And it isn't the guy in charge, today. [/QUOTE]
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