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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 75822" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Great suggestions, Sheila.</p><p>Kjs, you need to do this. You can do it gently, simply by sending a follow-up letter to the school listing your own understanding of the meeting's outcomes. It's good practice to do this after every meeting and needn't in any way be taken by the school as you telling them what to do - I used to start my letters off this way:</p><p></p><p>Dear [whoever - usually the principal],</p><p>Thank you for organising the meeting the other day [give date]. It is a pity the class teachers were not also present, their input would have been very useful. </p><p>[note: this isn't criticising anybody for not turning up - it leaves it to someone else to ask why they weren't there. This is a very neutral way or officially logging their absence.]</p><p></p><p>Just to make sure I have got this right - at the meeting, we decided on the following course of action: [then put in what you recall you all agreed on].</p><p></p><p>If I have not got this correct, please let me know in writing by return mail - in writing, to make sure I fully understand and have a written record of doing so. As you can imagine, life is busy when raising a child like difficult child. I love him but he is a lot of work. I need these written reminders to help me keep everything organised.</p><p>[This is not making excuses, it's defusing any objection the school might have, to putting it in writing. They HATE to put things in writing because it locks them in to doing what they promised, or facing the consequences. Schools would prefer we leave things 'loose' which also leaves them wiggle room to evade responsibility when they SNAFU.]</p><p></p><p>[The next bit is Sheila's bit - it can be included in this letter, or sent as a separate letter].</p><p>Following the meeting I do have some ongoing concerns: there are strict protocols for a school's management of a student who has an IEP already in place. Since the teachers say they had no knowledge of the IEP, this would indicate that these protocols are not being followed, even at a basic level.</p><p>[You then list the regulations being bent, broken or tortured].</p><p></p><p>I will require another follow-up meeting in [list number of weeks - make it fairly soon] at which time I expect these problems will have been rectified and we will see considerable improvement.</p><p></p><p>Throughout this year we will need to meet regularly in order to expedite communication and support regarding difficult child and to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible. He is a very bright child but has difficulties in other areas with classroom work and this is going to need ongoing involvement of the Learning Team. [never forget you are an important part of the Learning team]</p><p></p><p>Thank you for your support in this matter. I look forward to the date of the next meeting.</p><p></p><p>Yours sincerely,</p><p></p><p>Kjs & husband [if husband is prepared to at least support you from afar - it looks better having an apparent united front - scares the pants off the school]</p><p></p><p>[and then the piéce de resistance - ]</p><p></p><p>cc School District</p><p>psychiatrist/specialist/whoever</p><p>anybody else you feel needs to be kept informed on a professional level</p><p></p><p>And make sure you send those copies.</p><p></p><p>By having the "cc:..." at the end, the school KNOWS that others are watching, often from above. They now HAVE to act.</p><p></p><p>One possible reaction may be to try to justify (fast) their inaction/SNAFU. Have courage. That's why you never say anything that simply isn't true. Never exaggerate. Simply the facts, ma'am.</p><p>If you can stand firm in the (fairly unlikely) even they try to weasel out of responsibility, the eventual outcome is, you get what you should have got in the beginning - vigilance, support and prompt feedback.</p><p></p><p>And if they do begin to bog down in "We didn't realise, we never knew, someone didn't forward the paperwork..." etc, don't feel guilty at all, simply change the subject back to, "Now, now, that's all in the past. How are you going to make sure it doesn't happen in the future? Let's move on and work together from here..."</p><p>which makes you look magnanimous as well as the person in charge, calling the shots. </p><p></p><p>End result should be - school is now putting in the effort they should have right at the start. difficult child is probably still being as difficult child as ever, but at least he has more chance now. And if the school tries the, "How can we support a kid who refuses to be supported?" throw it right back at them with, "No wonder he doesn't want the support - the way it has been in the past. he is scared of victimisation through being made to seem different. You are not doing your job right, if accepting this help makes difficult child feel unsafe."</p><p></p><p>You will feel scared and shaky - it does give a sense of instability, to be sitting on top of the heap. But don't crawl back down - hold on for the ride, for difficult child's sake. Also for your own - this is a really useful learning experience for your own workplace and for later in life.</p><p></p><p>This site is a fabulous resource. I haven't got the local knowledge of the rules in the US, so I can't help much there. All I can point to are basic human rights stuff (such as no victimisation on the basis of disability; every child has the right to feel safe; etc). Sheila's got the specific knowledge I haven't. The Special Education forum also has specifics. Collectively, we can all work to help you feel more confident and pull this off.</p><p></p><p>You've caught them with their pants down. You could take advantage of this to give them a walloping on their bare behind, or you could take advantage of this to ensure your son is properly cared for, not the mishmash mess they've made of things so far.</p><p></p><p>And remember, I did this for years and I'm STILL good friends with the individuals at the school as well as the school, collectively. A kid was cheeking me in Tuesday's lunchtime class so I ejected him back to the playground. I wasn't going to do anything more, but a teacher saw it and dragged the kid to t he principal, who gave the kid a solid talking to.</p><p>I'm not on the payroll; if I stopped what I do, the school would barely notice. They don't have to be nice to me, not after some of the things I made them face about themselves.</p><p>But I did it politely (and firmly) and they respect me. I value that and thank them for it.</p><p></p><p>It really is like using "Explosive Child" methods on an organisation!</p><p></p><p>Kjs, go for it. You have a heaven-sent opportunity to work the system as it is meant to be worked, all for the benefit of your son. Go for it and you might even find yourself enjoying it. I hope so.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 75822, member: 1991"] Great suggestions, Sheila. Kjs, you need to do this. You can do it gently, simply by sending a follow-up letter to the school listing your own understanding of the meeting's outcomes. It's good practice to do this after every meeting and needn't in any way be taken by the school as you telling them what to do - I used to start my letters off this way: Dear [whoever - usually the principal], Thank you for organising the meeting the other day [give date]. It is a pity the class teachers were not also present, their input would have been very useful. [note: this isn't criticising anybody for not turning up - it leaves it to someone else to ask why they weren't there. This is a very neutral way or officially logging their absence.] Just to make sure I have got this right - at the meeting, we decided on the following course of action: [then put in what you recall you all agreed on]. If I have not got this correct, please let me know in writing by return mail - in writing, to make sure I fully understand and have a written record of doing so. As you can imagine, life is busy when raising a child like difficult child. I love him but he is a lot of work. I need these written reminders to help me keep everything organised. [This is not making excuses, it's defusing any objection the school might have, to putting it in writing. They HATE to put things in writing because it locks them in to doing what they promised, or facing the consequences. Schools would prefer we leave things 'loose' which also leaves them wiggle room to evade responsibility when they SNAFU.] [The next bit is Sheila's bit - it can be included in this letter, or sent as a separate letter]. Following the meeting I do have some ongoing concerns: there are strict protocols for a school's management of a student who has an IEP already in place. Since the teachers say they had no knowledge of the IEP, this would indicate that these protocols are not being followed, even at a basic level. [You then list the regulations being bent, broken or tortured]. I will require another follow-up meeting in [list number of weeks - make it fairly soon] at which time I expect these problems will have been rectified and we will see considerable improvement. Throughout this year we will need to meet regularly in order to expedite communication and support regarding difficult child and to make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible. He is a very bright child but has difficulties in other areas with classroom work and this is going to need ongoing involvement of the Learning Team. [never forget you are an important part of the Learning team] Thank you for your support in this matter. I look forward to the date of the next meeting. Yours sincerely, Kjs & husband [if husband is prepared to at least support you from afar - it looks better having an apparent united front - scares the pants off the school] [and then the piéce de resistance - ] cc School District psychiatrist/specialist/whoever anybody else you feel needs to be kept informed on a professional level And make sure you send those copies. By having the "cc:..." at the end, the school KNOWS that others are watching, often from above. They now HAVE to act. One possible reaction may be to try to justify (fast) their inaction/SNAFU. Have courage. That's why you never say anything that simply isn't true. Never exaggerate. Simply the facts, ma'am. If you can stand firm in the (fairly unlikely) even they try to weasel out of responsibility, the eventual outcome is, you get what you should have got in the beginning - vigilance, support and prompt feedback. And if they do begin to bog down in "We didn't realise, we never knew, someone didn't forward the paperwork..." etc, don't feel guilty at all, simply change the subject back to, "Now, now, that's all in the past. How are you going to make sure it doesn't happen in the future? Let's move on and work together from here..." which makes you look magnanimous as well as the person in charge, calling the shots. End result should be - school is now putting in the effort they should have right at the start. difficult child is probably still being as difficult child as ever, but at least he has more chance now. And if the school tries the, "How can we support a kid who refuses to be supported?" throw it right back at them with, "No wonder he doesn't want the support - the way it has been in the past. he is scared of victimisation through being made to seem different. You are not doing your job right, if accepting this help makes difficult child feel unsafe." You will feel scared and shaky - it does give a sense of instability, to be sitting on top of the heap. But don't crawl back down - hold on for the ride, for difficult child's sake. Also for your own - this is a really useful learning experience for your own workplace and for later in life. This site is a fabulous resource. I haven't got the local knowledge of the rules in the US, so I can't help much there. All I can point to are basic human rights stuff (such as no victimisation on the basis of disability; every child has the right to feel safe; etc). Sheila's got the specific knowledge I haven't. The Special Education forum also has specifics. Collectively, we can all work to help you feel more confident and pull this off. You've caught them with their pants down. You could take advantage of this to give them a walloping on their bare behind, or you could take advantage of this to ensure your son is properly cared for, not the mishmash mess they've made of things so far. And remember, I did this for years and I'm STILL good friends with the individuals at the school as well as the school, collectively. A kid was cheeking me in Tuesday's lunchtime class so I ejected him back to the playground. I wasn't going to do anything more, but a teacher saw it and dragged the kid to t he principal, who gave the kid a solid talking to. I'm not on the payroll; if I stopped what I do, the school would barely notice. They don't have to be nice to me, not after some of the things I made them face about themselves. But I did it politely (and firmly) and they respect me. I value that and thank them for it. It really is like using "Explosive Child" methods on an organisation! Kjs, go for it. You have a heaven-sent opportunity to work the system as it is meant to be worked, all for the benefit of your son. Go for it and you might even find yourself enjoying it. I hope so. Marg [/QUOTE]
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