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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 261348" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>My help is going to be fairly limited, I'm afraid. But a couple of points:</p><p></p><p>1) The alphabet soup labels make me wonder if there is any chance one diagnosis can be cancelled out, at least partly, by another. For example as you commented, the ODD being a manifestation of the bipolar. And also in my experience, the more 'tough' you are as a parent, the more some kids will rebel violently on principle. Ease back on the dictatorial approach (which for some of us is where we feel we've been forced to) and the rebellion eases. But the combined Asperger's & bipolar & schizoaffective - I'd be thinking the Asperger's traits could be also explained by the other labels.</p><p></p><p>2) The token reward system - I agree, under the circumstances you describe, it won't work. But you don't have to have a physical reward system. If you keep a record somewhere (even in your own head) of which kid has earned what, or if you have to have a physical record then have a piece of paper that you keep in your pocket which YOU initial when there is a change in reward status - then it shouldn't be able to be abused.</p><p></p><p>3) Token system - tokens should never be taken away after they have been given. I know it's tempting, but once a reward has been earned, subsequent bad behaviour is merely a period during which rewards may nott be earned further. Oonce the bad behaviour stops, then you can re-start the clock on accruing more reward points. I know this seems an obvious point, but I have recently been surprised by people who I thought new better, who are doing exactly this at the local school here.</p><p></p><p>4) What kind of rewards can the kids collect? And I hope you don't allow negotiation on value? It's difficult especially with the sort of extreme controlling behaviour you can get with difficult children. And the sort of reward where possible needs to be non-material. For example, difficult child 3 is obsessed with computer games, so for him a really good reward is having me play a game with him (usually Mario Party, which I learned to actually quite enjoy). While we do have material rewards in our house now, it's nothing very big unless it's something difficult child 3 has really saved up for. He generally uses pocket money to buy games though, and for us pocket money is something that each kid gets anyway, plus can earn extra for doing other tasks above and beyond. WHen we have more kids at home the kids used to use pocket money to negotiate with each other to do various chores. "I don't want to wash up tonight, I'll pay you X amount to do it for me." We did allow this because it IS negotiation and is IS fair, but all such transactions needed to be independently witnessed by us as parents in order to avoid kids welching on deals, etc.</p><p></p><p>Trying to get a handle on why our kids are so out of control - it is so difficult. As for the various things you have on the list of diagnoses, a lot of these are diagnosed subjectively, with people observing, considering, making up their own minds based on this. Unfortunately we can't stick in a probe and actively measure this or that and compare the readings on a chart, to say "Yes, she has this for sure."</p><p></p><p>And treatment is often the same - for some, medications can help. But tey're not acure, they're a management. Sometimes just a partial management. The problem is that the individual is so complex, a blend of nature, nurture and their response to it all.</p><p></p><p>This means it's really important to recognise your own value as an expert, in the input into your child's condition. This can be scary, but it can also be empowering.</p><p></p><p>Ther ewill be others along with more specific info. One final point - your daughter, whatever is the problem(s), is also hitting puberty and teen hormones do add to the problems.</p><p></p><p>oh joy...</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 261348, member: 1991"] My help is going to be fairly limited, I'm afraid. But a couple of points: 1) The alphabet soup labels make me wonder if there is any chance one diagnosis can be cancelled out, at least partly, by another. For example as you commented, the ODD being a manifestation of the bipolar. And also in my experience, the more 'tough' you are as a parent, the more some kids will rebel violently on principle. Ease back on the dictatorial approach (which for some of us is where we feel we've been forced to) and the rebellion eases. But the combined Asperger's & bipolar & schizoaffective - I'd be thinking the Asperger's traits could be also explained by the other labels. 2) The token reward system - I agree, under the circumstances you describe, it won't work. But you don't have to have a physical reward system. If you keep a record somewhere (even in your own head) of which kid has earned what, or if you have to have a physical record then have a piece of paper that you keep in your pocket which YOU initial when there is a change in reward status - then it shouldn't be able to be abused. 3) Token system - tokens should never be taken away after they have been given. I know it's tempting, but once a reward has been earned, subsequent bad behaviour is merely a period during which rewards may nott be earned further. Oonce the bad behaviour stops, then you can re-start the clock on accruing more reward points. I know this seems an obvious point, but I have recently been surprised by people who I thought new better, who are doing exactly this at the local school here. 4) What kind of rewards can the kids collect? And I hope you don't allow negotiation on value? It's difficult especially with the sort of extreme controlling behaviour you can get with difficult children. And the sort of reward where possible needs to be non-material. For example, difficult child 3 is obsessed with computer games, so for him a really good reward is having me play a game with him (usually Mario Party, which I learned to actually quite enjoy). While we do have material rewards in our house now, it's nothing very big unless it's something difficult child 3 has really saved up for. He generally uses pocket money to buy games though, and for us pocket money is something that each kid gets anyway, plus can earn extra for doing other tasks above and beyond. WHen we have more kids at home the kids used to use pocket money to negotiate with each other to do various chores. "I don't want to wash up tonight, I'll pay you X amount to do it for me." We did allow this because it IS negotiation and is IS fair, but all such transactions needed to be independently witnessed by us as parents in order to avoid kids welching on deals, etc. Trying to get a handle on why our kids are so out of control - it is so difficult. As for the various things you have on the list of diagnoses, a lot of these are diagnosed subjectively, with people observing, considering, making up their own minds based on this. Unfortunately we can't stick in a probe and actively measure this or that and compare the readings on a chart, to say "Yes, she has this for sure." And treatment is often the same - for some, medications can help. But tey're not acure, they're a management. Sometimes just a partial management. The problem is that the individual is so complex, a blend of nature, nurture and their response to it all. This means it's really important to recognise your own value as an expert, in the input into your child's condition. This can be scary, but it can also be empowering. Ther ewill be others along with more specific info. One final point - your daughter, whatever is the problem(s), is also hitting puberty and teen hormones do add to the problems. oh joy... Marg [/QUOTE]
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