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Substance Abuse
seeking advice for addicted son
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 737947" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi TF and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your need to be here.</p><p>I hate to read of pregnant women using drugs, it just sends shudders down my spine. It is the worst child abuse. I’m sorry, venting.</p><p>I have two addicted daughters. One with three children who presently live with their paternal grandparents. Both parents are too far into meth use to care for their children. The story is a long one of a toxic relationship spiraling downhill with drug use and domestic violence. CPS was involved and we had the grands for a time, but their goal was to rehab the parents and reunite the family. My hubs and I spent many a sleepless night over the chaos and drama. Tried to help by rearranging our small home and having them stay, later on mostly for our grandkids who didn’t ask for any of this. I helped my daughter take out TROs on her boyfriend, she ended up sneaking him over.......ugh.</p><p>Our helping turned out just prolonging the ordeal, they would swear they were “just smoking pot” but it became apparent there was more. Crack and meth entered the picture.</p><p>Both parents are heavily using, my daughter is currently in jail. I refuse to bail her out so she can go back to the streets and drugging.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p>Most folks here will tell you that any help we give an addict, helps them to continue as is. Unless, they are ready for rehab and want to change their lifestyles. They lie, steal and manipulate to get high. They use our love for them to remain status quo.</p><p>It is very important to strengthen yourself for this journey. This is a good place to come to vent and receive support and advice. We are not counselors or experts, just ordinary folks with the incredibly hard reality of loving our addicted adult children. The trick is, to be able to love them enough to say no. As you wrote you will not enable your son by paying his bills, that is a good start. Anything we do to make it easier for them, just makes it easier for them to continue using.</p><p>There is a really good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page that helps us to examine our relationship, our reactions, see where we are entangled emotionally, how to redirect our focus and not enable our addicted loved ones. That is a work in progress for me. Especially with grandchildren involved. I have actually called CPS in the past a few times to report my daughters drug use and the drama they are witness to.</p><p>You may consider doing that on your sons girlfriend. It is anonymous. It may save the baby’s repeated exposure in utero. In many states, it is a criminal act to use drugs while pregnant.</p><p>As far as giving your son an ultimatum, that may work, it may not. It is good to have a plan either way.</p><p> A plan for you. Try to find support if you haven’t already. I saw a therapist for a while. There is Alanon and Naranon. Being able to have face to face conversations is good.Reading up on addiction and educating ourselves helps. Knowing that you did not cause this, can’t control or cure it is tantamount to your surviving whatever this may come to. Hopefully your son will wake up and realize this is not how he wants to live.</p><p>I can’t sugar coat things for you, it has been the long haul for me. I have had to pull way back for my own survival.</p><p>It is important for you to take very good care of yourself. This is so stressful on a parents heart and soul. Make sure you are eating well and getting enough rest. Be very kind to yourself.</p><p></p><p>It took a long time for my Tornado to finally leave her boyfriend. They were super attached to one another, even though their relationship was so chaotic and violent. Addicts are fiercely protective of each other, they become family through their acceptance of drug use and everything that comes along with that. My two are estranged from all blood family. They prefer to hang around their drug using friends. I had to stop them from living with us because of the drug use, violence and chaos as well as stealing from us and inviting drug friends over while we were working.</p><p>I hope that your son wakes up sooner than later. Please work on strengthening yourself for this journey. It is a hard road to travel. You have come to place of refuge here, where many have been on the path and can offer suggestions and advice. Take what fits your situation and leave the rest. We all understand how heartbreaking this is. Take care.</p><p>You are not alone.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 737947, member: 19522"] Hi TF and welcome to our little corner. I am sorry for your need to be here. I hate to read of pregnant women using drugs, it just sends shudders down my spine. It is the worst child abuse. I’m sorry, venting. I have two addicted daughters. One with three children who presently live with their paternal grandparents. Both parents are too far into meth use to care for their children. The story is a long one of a toxic relationship spiraling downhill with drug use and domestic violence. CPS was involved and we had the grands for a time, but their goal was to rehab the parents and reunite the family. My hubs and I spent many a sleepless night over the chaos and drama. Tried to help by rearranging our small home and having them stay, later on mostly for our grandkids who didn’t ask for any of this. I helped my daughter take out TROs on her boyfriend, she ended up sneaking him over.......ugh. Our helping turned out just prolonging the ordeal, they would swear they were “just smoking pot” but it became apparent there was more. Crack and meth entered the picture. Both parents are heavily using, my daughter is currently in jail. I refuse to bail her out so she can go back to the streets and drugging. Sigh. Most folks here will tell you that any help we give an addict, helps them to continue as is. Unless, they are ready for rehab and want to change their lifestyles. They lie, steal and manipulate to get high. They use our love for them to remain status quo. It is very important to strengthen yourself for this journey. This is a good place to come to vent and receive support and advice. We are not counselors or experts, just ordinary folks with the incredibly hard reality of loving our addicted adult children. The trick is, to be able to love them enough to say no. As you wrote you will not enable your son by paying his bills, that is a good start. Anything we do to make it easier for them, just makes it easier for them to continue using. There is a really good article on detachment at the top of the PE forum page that helps us to examine our relationship, our reactions, see where we are entangled emotionally, how to redirect our focus and not enable our addicted loved ones. That is a work in progress for me. Especially with grandchildren involved. I have actually called CPS in the past a few times to report my daughters drug use and the drama they are witness to. You may consider doing that on your sons girlfriend. It is anonymous. It may save the baby’s repeated exposure in utero. In many states, it is a criminal act to use drugs while pregnant. As far as giving your son an ultimatum, that may work, it may not. It is good to have a plan either way. A plan for you. Try to find support if you haven’t already. I saw a therapist for a while. There is Alanon and Naranon. Being able to have face to face conversations is good.Reading up on addiction and educating ourselves helps. Knowing that you did not cause this, can’t control or cure it is tantamount to your surviving whatever this may come to. Hopefully your son will wake up and realize this is not how he wants to live. I can’t sugar coat things for you, it has been the long haul for me. I have had to pull way back for my own survival. It is important for you to take very good care of yourself. This is so stressful on a parents heart and soul. Make sure you are eating well and getting enough rest. Be very kind to yourself. It took a long time for my Tornado to finally leave her boyfriend. They were super attached to one another, even though their relationship was so chaotic and violent. Addicts are fiercely protective of each other, they become family through their acceptance of drug use and everything that comes along with that. My two are estranged from all blood family. They prefer to hang around their drug using friends. I had to stop them from living with us because of the drug use, violence and chaos as well as stealing from us and inviting drug friends over while we were working. I hope that your son wakes up sooner than later. Please work on strengthening yourself for this journey. It is a hard road to travel. You have come to place of refuge here, where many have been on the path and can offer suggestions and advice. Take what fits your situation and leave the rest. We all understand how heartbreaking this is. Take care. You are not alone. (((Hugs))) Leafy [/QUOTE]
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