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Self preservation or just plain Selfish!?!
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 605369" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>LMS, I know you. I know that this is NOT about money in any way. Money is a tool in this case. For you it represents caring for your children. You want to leave something for your kids to show them that they meant so much to you. You don't need to because your kids already know this. They know because you DID get on the floor and play with them, you were there to discipline them reasonably which means you didn't beat them or let anyone else unless they got violent first and it had to happen to keep them from hurting themselves or others. You have been there to support them no matter what and when you got stable and learned what enabling is you have worked to be the parent who doesn't even though your kids know how to yank on those heartstrings and hook them up to the winch and pull them until they get what they want (esp the youngest son, Know what I mean???? I know you do!).</p><p></p><p>You did what needed to be done to be a good parent. You want to leave something to them to help them because you love them. Period. </p><p></p><p>Your mom doesn't understand parenting or want to. She wasn't really a parent, and your relationship wasn't really ever healthy. She was a friend that you couldn't ditch when she proved unreliable or to be a bad friend. I have always said that kids get 1000 or more friends but only 2 parents and as a parent it is not fair to abdicate and be the friend instead. Even when the child HATES you for it. </p><p></p><p>Your mom has always been selfish, and that won't change. I sincerely hope she has enough to support herself and take care of her needs, but I am sure she is figuring that you will take care of her when she is old, sick and broke. I hope you know that it will NOT be awful of you to put her in a nursing home when she needs the care, even if all she has is medicare. It won't be selfish of you, or unChristian. It will be HUMAN and reasonable. You already raised her once, from what I have heard of your childhood (more than this post or past ones). in my opinion you need to talk with a therapist about her and figure out what you will be able to cope with when she is old and sick. do it NOW and let her know. NOT to be mean to her, but to let her know what she can count on you doing and what she cannot and will need to make plans for. Chances are she won't have plans other than that you have 'enough money' and she will plan on having you take care of her because you somehow 'owe' her. You don't, but knowing you, you will probably feel you do. So work on this with a therapist NOW, and talk it over with your husband. Figure out what you iwll and won't do, and then let her know and make her own plans for that time.</p><p></p><p>Personally, if my folks leave a will that says "Being of sound mind and bodies, we spent every last penny and had a BLAST!", I will be happy for them. Knowing my folks, there will be some $ left. They both inherited quite a bit, and have helped us a lot. They owe us nothing. Gfgbro and I would like some mementos, probably not the ones others would like. But my folks gave us a VERY different upbringing than you had, and we have a very different relationship than you do.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like this is something that you have to figure out how to accept. She won't change so you have to figure out how you want to handle things regarding her as she ages. NOW is the time to figure out what you will and won't do, in my opinion. That way when the pressure or crisis hits, you will have a plan and won't suddenly find yourself stuck iwth full time care of an invalid that you really don't want to have full time care of. NOT that you would turn your back on her, you wouldn't. But if you have a plan it can mean that you don't suddenly have to scramble to figure out what to do.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry this is so tough. I know it is hard. (((((hugs)))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 605369, member: 1233"] LMS, I know you. I know that this is NOT about money in any way. Money is a tool in this case. For you it represents caring for your children. You want to leave something for your kids to show them that they meant so much to you. You don't need to because your kids already know this. They know because you DID get on the floor and play with them, you were there to discipline them reasonably which means you didn't beat them or let anyone else unless they got violent first and it had to happen to keep them from hurting themselves or others. You have been there to support them no matter what and when you got stable and learned what enabling is you have worked to be the parent who doesn't even though your kids know how to yank on those heartstrings and hook them up to the winch and pull them until they get what they want (esp the youngest son, Know what I mean???? I know you do!). You did what needed to be done to be a good parent. You want to leave something to them to help them because you love them. Period. Your mom doesn't understand parenting or want to. She wasn't really a parent, and your relationship wasn't really ever healthy. She was a friend that you couldn't ditch when she proved unreliable or to be a bad friend. I have always said that kids get 1000 or more friends but only 2 parents and as a parent it is not fair to abdicate and be the friend instead. Even when the child HATES you for it. Your mom has always been selfish, and that won't change. I sincerely hope she has enough to support herself and take care of her needs, but I am sure she is figuring that you will take care of her when she is old, sick and broke. I hope you know that it will NOT be awful of you to put her in a nursing home when she needs the care, even if all she has is medicare. It won't be selfish of you, or unChristian. It will be HUMAN and reasonable. You already raised her once, from what I have heard of your childhood (more than this post or past ones). in my opinion you need to talk with a therapist about her and figure out what you will be able to cope with when she is old and sick. do it NOW and let her know. NOT to be mean to her, but to let her know what she can count on you doing and what she cannot and will need to make plans for. Chances are she won't have plans other than that you have 'enough money' and she will plan on having you take care of her because you somehow 'owe' her. You don't, but knowing you, you will probably feel you do. So work on this with a therapist NOW, and talk it over with your husband. Figure out what you iwll and won't do, and then let her know and make her own plans for that time. Personally, if my folks leave a will that says "Being of sound mind and bodies, we spent every last penny and had a BLAST!", I will be happy for them. Knowing my folks, there will be some $ left. They both inherited quite a bit, and have helped us a lot. They owe us nothing. Gfgbro and I would like some mementos, probably not the ones others would like. But my folks gave us a VERY different upbringing than you had, and we have a very different relationship than you do. It sounds like this is something that you have to figure out how to accept. She won't change so you have to figure out how you want to handle things regarding her as she ages. NOW is the time to figure out what you will and won't do, in my opinion. That way when the pressure or crisis hits, you will have a plan and won't suddenly find yourself stuck iwth full time care of an invalid that you really don't want to have full time care of. NOT that you would turn your back on her, you wouldn't. But if you have a plan it can mean that you don't suddenly have to scramble to figure out what to do. I am sorry this is so tough. I know it is hard. (((((hugs))))) [/QUOTE]
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