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Sending sib to stay with friends?
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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 467869" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>I have some fairly strong views about this but decided I'd ask for experience/input from the board about this subject.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 2 has continued to be very difficult but isn't actually hurting anyone or breaking things that are expensive. Everything is about power struggles, threats, retaliation that stops just short of things that can get him charged and returned to juvie. Most nights and often during the weekend are disrupted and there's a lot of shouting, conflict and he's doing things like taking the computer cords while you're on the computer when he doesn't get his way.</p><p></p><p>Our newest strategy, which actually seems to be working but it's too early to tell, is that we simply get up and leave the house when he starts. It is really ticking us off to have to do this but we're not getting anything done at home anyway except having him escalate so the wrap-around person said she thought it was worth trying when we told her about it. So far we've done this about 4 times in the past week and when we come home a couple hours later he has been calm and much more cooperative.</p><p></p><p>The problem with all of this, particularly leaving the house, is that she is struggling to get her own schoolwork done. And of course she's really angry. the last week she and difficult child 2 have gotten into brief physical confrontations - in large part because she is having a hard time not getting physical when he's harassing her verbally. This doesn't happen a lot but when it does it's ugly.They haven't actually hurt each other but the second one ended up with our refrigerator door busted.</p><p></p><p>She has started demanding that we find somewhere else for her to live. She has managed to get all B's this quarter but I agree that it is despite what's going on and she would probably be pulling A's if our home was calmer and she could predict when she had computer access. Instead she is staying at school many days until 5 pm if one of her teacher's is on campus so she can work on the computers there. Which means she's at school from 7:45 am to 3:35 for class and then for another 90 minutes for "homework".</p><p></p><p>I am sure she is spending a certain amount of time socializing at school rather than doing school work. But I am sympathetic about that since, once she gets home, being able to talk to friends is unpredictable and inviting friends over here has pretty much stopped. Her brother is willing to blow up regardless of who is here.</p><p></p><p>Finding someone for her to stay with, even temporarily, is a challenge. The only family she could go to would be one set of grandparents who live in a town 2 hours drive away or my youngest sister who lives in another state.</p><p></p><p>My father in law is now on dialysis full time. We don't know anything about what school might be available to her, etc. and our kids have not been really viewed as grandchildren in the same way as their other grandchildren and our kids know it.</p><p></p><p>Their aunt has a small house and is working 3 jobs and homeschooling their 11 year old daughter. She and her husband are devout Christians who don't approve of our family (we are a lesbian couple) but aren't openly hostile.</p><p></p><p>The only friends we have that we know well enough to ask live pretty close to us but their teenage daughter goes to a different high school and we would need to go pick her up and take her to/from school. daughter is not asking to stay there because she doesn't get along with the dad. He can be a bit of a bully and doesn't see any reason not to say unkind things in the name of teasing. It's not horrible but it's not perfect either.</p><p></p><p>difficult child 2's behavior has caused us to get very isolated and, because she doesn't invite people over, her pool of close friends has shrunk when otherwise it would be huge - she's a serious social butterfly and everyone seems to like her.</p><p></p><p>What have you done in this same situation or what would you do in our place? </p><p></p><p>Pro's:</p><p></p><p>1. gets her out of the house to reduce chances of violence</p><p>2. may allow her to be more focused on meeting her very demanding academic demands</p><p>3. helps her feel safe</p><p>4. provides concrete evidence to her that we are willing to stand up for her and protect her</p><p>5. some reduced conflict at home</p><p></p><p>Con's:</p><p></p><p>1. difficult child 2 gets what he wants - to drive his sister out and get our undivided attention</p><p>2. if this isn't triangulation/manipulation I don't know a horse from a whole in the ground</p><p>3. her school life gets disrupted if we send her to gparents</p><p>4. she has to stay in a somewhat hostile environment if she stays at the friend's house or with family members who don't approve of her family of origin</p><p>5. when she comes back home we will be faced with this demand every time something happens that she doesn't like</p><p>6. she is the one who is being sent away when she is not, for the most part, the "problem".</p><p></p><p>Thanks</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 467869, member: 11920"] I have some fairly strong views about this but decided I'd ask for experience/input from the board about this subject. difficult child 2 has continued to be very difficult but isn't actually hurting anyone or breaking things that are expensive. Everything is about power struggles, threats, retaliation that stops just short of things that can get him charged and returned to juvie. Most nights and often during the weekend are disrupted and there's a lot of shouting, conflict and he's doing things like taking the computer cords while you're on the computer when he doesn't get his way. Our newest strategy, which actually seems to be working but it's too early to tell, is that we simply get up and leave the house when he starts. It is really ticking us off to have to do this but we're not getting anything done at home anyway except having him escalate so the wrap-around person said she thought it was worth trying when we told her about it. So far we've done this about 4 times in the past week and when we come home a couple hours later he has been calm and much more cooperative. The problem with all of this, particularly leaving the house, is that she is struggling to get her own schoolwork done. And of course she's really angry. the last week she and difficult child 2 have gotten into brief physical confrontations - in large part because she is having a hard time not getting physical when he's harassing her verbally. This doesn't happen a lot but when it does it's ugly.They haven't actually hurt each other but the second one ended up with our refrigerator door busted. She has started demanding that we find somewhere else for her to live. She has managed to get all B's this quarter but I agree that it is despite what's going on and she would probably be pulling A's if our home was calmer and she could predict when she had computer access. Instead she is staying at school many days until 5 pm if one of her teacher's is on campus so she can work on the computers there. Which means she's at school from 7:45 am to 3:35 for class and then for another 90 minutes for "homework". I am sure she is spending a certain amount of time socializing at school rather than doing school work. But I am sympathetic about that since, once she gets home, being able to talk to friends is unpredictable and inviting friends over here has pretty much stopped. Her brother is willing to blow up regardless of who is here. Finding someone for her to stay with, even temporarily, is a challenge. The only family she could go to would be one set of grandparents who live in a town 2 hours drive away or my youngest sister who lives in another state. My father in law is now on dialysis full time. We don't know anything about what school might be available to her, etc. and our kids have not been really viewed as grandchildren in the same way as their other grandchildren and our kids know it. Their aunt has a small house and is working 3 jobs and homeschooling their 11 year old daughter. She and her husband are devout Christians who don't approve of our family (we are a lesbian couple) but aren't openly hostile. The only friends we have that we know well enough to ask live pretty close to us but their teenage daughter goes to a different high school and we would need to go pick her up and take her to/from school. daughter is not asking to stay there because she doesn't get along with the dad. He can be a bit of a bully and doesn't see any reason not to say unkind things in the name of teasing. It's not horrible but it's not perfect either. difficult child 2's behavior has caused us to get very isolated and, because she doesn't invite people over, her pool of close friends has shrunk when otherwise it would be huge - she's a serious social butterfly and everyone seems to like her. What have you done in this same situation or what would you do in our place? Pro's: 1. gets her out of the house to reduce chances of violence 2. may allow her to be more focused on meeting her very demanding academic demands 3. helps her feel safe 4. provides concrete evidence to her that we are willing to stand up for her and protect her 5. some reduced conflict at home Con's: 1. difficult child 2 gets what he wants - to drive his sister out and get our undivided attention 2. if this isn't triangulation/manipulation I don't know a horse from a whole in the ground 3. her school life gets disrupted if we send her to gparents 4. she has to stay in a somewhat hostile environment if she stays at the friend's house or with family members who don't approve of her family of origin 5. when she comes back home we will be faced with this demand every time something happens that she doesn't like 6. she is the one who is being sent away when she is not, for the most part, the "problem". Thanks [/QUOTE]
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