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Sending sib to stay with friends?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 467994" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I completely agree that she needs her own space, but do NOT agree that she should be sent away. in my opinion if anyone is sent away it needs to be difficult child who is causing problems. The emotional component of being "one her own" with another family is huge. I just do not believe it is the best thing for her. Even though she may want to live elsewhere, she will still feel you rejected her for her brother. Learning to navigate a new family in the middle of a school year is a huge amt of stress. Adding a new school system and you have a recipe for a total disaster.</p><p></p><p>Verbal violence is still violence. I think that you and daughter need to go to the DV center to get some help and perspective. I would put difficult child in one of their men's groups as a condition for something he feels is essential - like internet or anything with a screen. If daughter leaves, his abuse gets positive reinforcement and you really do NOT want that.</p><p></p><p>If there was a family that daughter was totally comfortable with IN her school district, I might consider it at least for weekends. If there was physical danger it wouldn't be an option - difficult child would be out of the house. Period. Just because he isn't doing things that would send him to juvie does NOT mean he is following house rules or should be living at home. Working through things from my childhood I finally came to the conclusion that while the things that were done were bad, the threats and manipulation were FAR worse and did much much more damage. in my opinion emotional/verbal abuse is worse than physical.</p><p></p><p>You need to get that through to difficult child and let him know that juvie isn't the only option you have. You can keep your parental rights and he can go to therapeutic foster care. I would choose that before I let him drive my easy child out of HER home. Frankly, that is what he is doing and it is WRONG. It isn't easy to get it through to him, but maybe you should see what social services says about putting HIM in therapeutic foster care. He is doing a LOT of damages to her and even though you know part of it is because of his mental health, part is CHOICE.</p><p></p><p>If he is stopping just short of what would get him put in juvie, but escalating enough for it to become physical, such as damaging the refrigerator door, then it is going to escalate past that soon. Som eof our boys just need that wakeup call of parents choosing to send them somewhere, which is TOTALLY different than the courts sending them to juvie for things they have done. Your difficult child figures that unless he gets charges then there is basically nothing you can do - you have to keep him and you can't stop him. In some ways he is right, but you DO have choices.</p><p></p><p>If you can set up the house so that easy child can have a separate place that is hers and he is locked out, go for it. I think that is an AWESOME idea. </p><p></p><p>it really sounds like the friends and relatives are NOT an option, not one that wouldn't derail her progress and stability anyway. </p><p></p><p>You will get a LOT of help and support from the domestic violence center. therapy, other types of help, group therapy, etc.... While they may not have a group for teens who are abusers, they will have men's groups and indiv therapy for males who are abusers. THAT is what your difficult child is right now. He is using violence and aggression to drive his sister away and get what he wants. Make whatever is important to him contingent on going to whatever therapy at the DV group that you and the therapists there think is appropriate. </p><p></p><p>I can see talking to easy child's friends' parents and seeing if she could stay with one or another on the weekends, but it is just crazy for her to lose her home because her brother cannot behave. </p><p></p><p>I do understand if you feel differently and I would NOT condemn you for making a different choice than I recommend.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 467994, member: 1233"] I completely agree that she needs her own space, but do NOT agree that she should be sent away. in my opinion if anyone is sent away it needs to be difficult child who is causing problems. The emotional component of being "one her own" with another family is huge. I just do not believe it is the best thing for her. Even though she may want to live elsewhere, she will still feel you rejected her for her brother. Learning to navigate a new family in the middle of a school year is a huge amt of stress. Adding a new school system and you have a recipe for a total disaster. Verbal violence is still violence. I think that you and daughter need to go to the DV center to get some help and perspective. I would put difficult child in one of their men's groups as a condition for something he feels is essential - like internet or anything with a screen. If daughter leaves, his abuse gets positive reinforcement and you really do NOT want that. If there was a family that daughter was totally comfortable with IN her school district, I might consider it at least for weekends. If there was physical danger it wouldn't be an option - difficult child would be out of the house. Period. Just because he isn't doing things that would send him to juvie does NOT mean he is following house rules or should be living at home. Working through things from my childhood I finally came to the conclusion that while the things that were done were bad, the threats and manipulation were FAR worse and did much much more damage. in my opinion emotional/verbal abuse is worse than physical. You need to get that through to difficult child and let him know that juvie isn't the only option you have. You can keep your parental rights and he can go to therapeutic foster care. I would choose that before I let him drive my easy child out of HER home. Frankly, that is what he is doing and it is WRONG. It isn't easy to get it through to him, but maybe you should see what social services says about putting HIM in therapeutic foster care. He is doing a LOT of damages to her and even though you know part of it is because of his mental health, part is CHOICE. If he is stopping just short of what would get him put in juvie, but escalating enough for it to become physical, such as damaging the refrigerator door, then it is going to escalate past that soon. Som eof our boys just need that wakeup call of parents choosing to send them somewhere, which is TOTALLY different than the courts sending them to juvie for things they have done. Your difficult child figures that unless he gets charges then there is basically nothing you can do - you have to keep him and you can't stop him. In some ways he is right, but you DO have choices. If you can set up the house so that easy child can have a separate place that is hers and he is locked out, go for it. I think that is an AWESOME idea. it really sounds like the friends and relatives are NOT an option, not one that wouldn't derail her progress and stability anyway. You will get a LOT of help and support from the domestic violence center. therapy, other types of help, group therapy, etc.... While they may not have a group for teens who are abusers, they will have men's groups and indiv therapy for males who are abusers. THAT is what your difficult child is right now. He is using violence and aggression to drive his sister away and get what he wants. Make whatever is important to him contingent on going to whatever therapy at the DV group that you and the therapists there think is appropriate. I can see talking to easy child's friends' parents and seeing if she could stay with one or another on the weekends, but it is just crazy for her to lose her home because her brother cannot behave. I do understand if you feel differently and I would NOT condemn you for making a different choice than I recommend. [/QUOTE]
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