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Separating self worth from difficult child's perception of one's self...food for thought...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 503661" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Signorina, thank you for posting that article, it all makes sense. I guess we're all at various stages of our process of letting go of our difficult adult children in whatever form that takes. I had an interesting development over the weekend with my grown daughter. To make a very long story, somewhat short, she and I began our usual angry, frustrating, recurring, awful script the other day after I essentially said no to something she wanted. We had had a long discussion a few days before where I very clearly mapped out my part in the codependency we have been going through for most of her life. I realized that when her Dad and I divorced when she was 2 (she's 39 now) I had been guilty, over-giving, resentful, rescuing her and running around those emotions pretty regularly. I shared that with her. She shared with me that she felt low self esteem and has been trying to find out who she is separate from my perception of her, which has been that there is something very wrong with her and she needed my protection and my help. Yikes. In retrospect, it all sounds pretty bad, but it was what it was. Her perception of me was just as negative. I think that conversation opened a door for us. A few days later, after saying no to her, she flew into the usual rage, ranting about how I ruin everything, started to cry, was yelling, the usual intense drama. When I followed her a few minutes later, which was initially to say I was done with all this s#@*, she immediately said. "I'm sorry Mom, that was the old me, I don't want to do that anymore." I almost fell over. Then I tried to talk to her and after a few minutes of trying I left the room. We tried that 4 times, trying to see each other, trying to talk, trying to get through all the anger we both felt. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to stay present with her and not go in to my own role, as she was struggling to not go into hers. It took one solid hour for me to calm down enough to actually listen to her. We talked for 2 hours after that. That was the first time in maybe 15-20 years where we had a real, authentic, honest talk about how we both felt. It was exhausting, but we hung tough. The next day, she was quite different. So was I. I officially resigned from rescuing her, she accepted my resignation, happily. We both saw all the damage that's been done. She actually owned that in the last 15 years when faced with a choice, she ALWAYS made the wrong choice. She said that was very hard for her to say to me. There were many, many things said and acknowledged. It feels different for me, I know I am finished, I know I have stopped trying. What she does, from this point on, is up to her and we are both VERY clear on that. This wasn't done in anger, it was done in truth. And with compassion and love. For the first time. I don't know what this will mean in her life, only time will tell. But, I do know what this means to me, and for the first time in years, I feel peaceful. In this moment, it's all okay. And, that's all that matters right now. Tomorrow we could be in a whole new situation, who knows? I believe we made some important steps along this journey we're on. And, letting go of her, stopping the enabling has been what needed to happen, for both of us. And, that has been the biggest challenge to do. It was what opened the door to detachment and the possibility for us to stand on new ground and be seen and heard and to see and to hear each other. It will be interesting to see where we all go now. But, for the moment, I am so grateful for what has just occurred, I got to see my daughter, really see her, for the first time in years, maybe the first time ever. And, I think the same is true for her, she got to see me too. What a gift. Thanks for listening to all my words these past few weeks, being here with all of you has made a huge difference for me in this process. God Bless all of you warriors out there.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 503661, member: 13542"] Signorina, thank you for posting that article, it all makes sense. I guess we're all at various stages of our process of letting go of our difficult adult children in whatever form that takes. I had an interesting development over the weekend with my grown daughter. To make a very long story, somewhat short, she and I began our usual angry, frustrating, recurring, awful script the other day after I essentially said no to something she wanted. We had had a long discussion a few days before where I very clearly mapped out my part in the codependency we have been going through for most of her life. I realized that when her Dad and I divorced when she was 2 (she's 39 now) I had been guilty, over-giving, resentful, rescuing her and running around those emotions pretty regularly. I shared that with her. She shared with me that she felt low self esteem and has been trying to find out who she is separate from my perception of her, which has been that there is something very wrong with her and she needed my protection and my help. Yikes. In retrospect, it all sounds pretty bad, but it was what it was. Her perception of me was just as negative. I think that conversation opened a door for us. A few days later, after saying no to her, she flew into the usual rage, ranting about how I ruin everything, started to cry, was yelling, the usual intense drama. When I followed her a few minutes later, which was initially to say I was done with all this s#@*, she immediately said. "I'm sorry Mom, that was the old me, I don't want to do that anymore." I almost fell over. Then I tried to talk to her and after a few minutes of trying I left the room. We tried that 4 times, trying to see each other, trying to talk, trying to get through all the anger we both felt. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to stay present with her and not go in to my own role, as she was struggling to not go into hers. It took one solid hour for me to calm down enough to actually listen to her. We talked for 2 hours after that. That was the first time in maybe 15-20 years where we had a real, authentic, honest talk about how we both felt. It was exhausting, but we hung tough. The next day, she was quite different. So was I. I officially resigned from rescuing her, she accepted my resignation, happily. We both saw all the damage that's been done. She actually owned that in the last 15 years when faced with a choice, she ALWAYS made the wrong choice. She said that was very hard for her to say to me. There were many, many things said and acknowledged. It feels different for me, I know I am finished, I know I have stopped trying. What she does, from this point on, is up to her and we are both VERY clear on that. This wasn't done in anger, it was done in truth. And with compassion and love. For the first time. I don't know what this will mean in her life, only time will tell. But, I do know what this means to me, and for the first time in years, I feel peaceful. In this moment, it's all okay. And, that's all that matters right now. Tomorrow we could be in a whole new situation, who knows? I believe we made some important steps along this journey we're on. And, letting go of her, stopping the enabling has been what needed to happen, for both of us. And, that has been the biggest challenge to do. It was what opened the door to detachment and the possibility for us to stand on new ground and be seen and heard and to see and to hear each other. It will be interesting to see where we all go now. But, for the moment, I am so grateful for what has just occurred, I got to see my daughter, really see her, for the first time in years, maybe the first time ever. And, I think the same is true for her, she got to see me too. What a gift. Thanks for listening to all my words these past few weeks, being here with all of you has made a huge difference for me in this process. God Bless all of you warriors out there. [/QUOTE]
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