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Serious help needed!18 yr old, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 297838" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Hang in there. You're not a bad person at all.</p><p></p><p>However... I do think you've got into the habit of saying no, ten giving way because it's easier. And he knows this and so continues to nagm, whine and push your buttons until he gets what he wants. This is NOT doing anybody any favours (including yourself) even in the medium term. Certainly not in the long term.</p><p></p><p>Taking the family X-Box? Not on, not at all. Besides, where is he going to plug it in? He needs to be focussed on getting shelter, getting food, getting some security. It rarely comes with a power point especially if he's not paying that power bill. If he's playing games (wherever he's got to) then he's not getting his life together.</p><p></p><p>If he gets unpleasant about taking thr X-Box (or any other situation) you call the police on him, ask them to supervise his departure with only his own possessions.</p><p></p><p>Someone said, "I've been told that ADHD/ODD is often really bipolar disorder that has been misdiagnosed (which is what happened with my son)" ... Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is another diagnosis often mislabelled as ADHD/ODD. So there can be a number of possibilities. It needs to be pinned down, but the older a patient is, the harder it is to really define the diagnosis. We all adapt to how we have to cope. It's not necessarily being sneaky about things, it's just how we learn to adapt. And the more a kid adapts to their own different way of functioning, the harder it is to really assess it.</p><p></p><p>You need to get harder, not softer. By that I mean, you need to stick to your principles and not bend. But tat doesn't mean you don't have anything to do with him - not at all. He needs support, but he can still have that support even if he lives away from home. But if he is to stay in the home, he has to follow ground rules. You need to have these ground rules written down, laminated and pinned up somewhere highly visible. ALL household members live by these rules. They are standard household rules that he will need if he is ever to share accommodation with anyone anywhere.</p><p></p><p>1) Tell people where you are going and when you will be hoe, especially if you will be here/not here for a meal.</p><p></p><p>2) Pull your weight and take your turn at chores.</p><p></p><p>3) Your own space is your own problem unless it becomes a household health issue/vermin problem. Then you have to clean it up.</p><p></p><p>4) Communal space is to be respected and not fouled. If you have an accident, you clean it up.</p><p></p><p>5) Show the same respect to other householders, that you require from them. Always.</p><p></p><p>You might need to make the rules more specific. Such as teaching each kid how to use the washing machine and making sure they all take a turn helping to do the washing. Ditto with cooking, shopping, cleaning. A kid who fouls the floor has to learn how to clean it up. And not just mopping it, it has to be cleaned up so it is sanitised and smells removed.</p><p></p><p>He could have sensory issues re the bedwetting. At his age, a kid like tat would get aggressive and deceitful about it, using bravado to cover up embarrassment and low self-esteem over it. I can't imagine friends will continue to happily give him couch room if he wets the couch every night!</p><p></p><p>Another rule we insisted on for difficult child 1 when he finished school - he had to either do a course, or do a job, either paid employment or volunteer work. His choice. I helped him find a course and to find a job. But nobody stays if they're not productive.</p><p></p><p>ANy damage done has to be fixed. By him.</p><p>difficult child 3 slammed a door at grandma's house and the force of the slam broke a small window. So husband made difficult child 3 work beside him to fix it. Again, not in any sense of punishment, but consequences. The window was broken, it's not grandma's fault so she shouldn't have to do without her window. difficult child 3 broke the window even though he didn't mean to, so difficult child 3 has to work to fix it. But he hasn't the skills - so zDaddy will help. difficult child 3 had to measure the space, write it all down, help Daddy saw a piece of wood to fit in (or help pay for a piece of glass) then help put it in place. It went way beyond punishment but it was still consequences. However, difficult child 3 felt a sense of pride in the finished job, although I know every time he looks at it he remembers, "Don't slam doors in a temper!" We oonly replaced the glass with a sheet of timber, so it still doens't look as good as it used to. But at least it's keepnig the draught out and the place is secure again.</p><p></p><p>You have to be firm and consistent, or you will find the younger kids following their brother's example as they get older.</p><p></p><p>And you don't want that!</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 297838, member: 1991"] Hang in there. You're not a bad person at all. However... I do think you've got into the habit of saying no, ten giving way because it's easier. And he knows this and so continues to nagm, whine and push your buttons until he gets what he wants. This is NOT doing anybody any favours (including yourself) even in the medium term. Certainly not in the long term. Taking the family X-Box? Not on, not at all. Besides, where is he going to plug it in? He needs to be focussed on getting shelter, getting food, getting some security. It rarely comes with a power point especially if he's not paying that power bill. If he's playing games (wherever he's got to) then he's not getting his life together. If he gets unpleasant about taking thr X-Box (or any other situation) you call the police on him, ask them to supervise his departure with only his own possessions. Someone said, "I've been told that ADHD/ODD is often really bipolar disorder that has been misdiagnosed (which is what happened with my son)" ... Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is another diagnosis often mislabelled as ADHD/ODD. So there can be a number of possibilities. It needs to be pinned down, but the older a patient is, the harder it is to really define the diagnosis. We all adapt to how we have to cope. It's not necessarily being sneaky about things, it's just how we learn to adapt. And the more a kid adapts to their own different way of functioning, the harder it is to really assess it. You need to get harder, not softer. By that I mean, you need to stick to your principles and not bend. But tat doesn't mean you don't have anything to do with him - not at all. He needs support, but he can still have that support even if he lives away from home. But if he is to stay in the home, he has to follow ground rules. You need to have these ground rules written down, laminated and pinned up somewhere highly visible. ALL household members live by these rules. They are standard household rules that he will need if he is ever to share accommodation with anyone anywhere. 1) Tell people where you are going and when you will be hoe, especially if you will be here/not here for a meal. 2) Pull your weight and take your turn at chores. 3) Your own space is your own problem unless it becomes a household health issue/vermin problem. Then you have to clean it up. 4) Communal space is to be respected and not fouled. If you have an accident, you clean it up. 5) Show the same respect to other householders, that you require from them. Always. You might need to make the rules more specific. Such as teaching each kid how to use the washing machine and making sure they all take a turn helping to do the washing. Ditto with cooking, shopping, cleaning. A kid who fouls the floor has to learn how to clean it up. And not just mopping it, it has to be cleaned up so it is sanitised and smells removed. He could have sensory issues re the bedwetting. At his age, a kid like tat would get aggressive and deceitful about it, using bravado to cover up embarrassment and low self-esteem over it. I can't imagine friends will continue to happily give him couch room if he wets the couch every night! Another rule we insisted on for difficult child 1 when he finished school - he had to either do a course, or do a job, either paid employment or volunteer work. His choice. I helped him find a course and to find a job. But nobody stays if they're not productive. ANy damage done has to be fixed. By him. difficult child 3 slammed a door at grandma's house and the force of the slam broke a small window. So husband made difficult child 3 work beside him to fix it. Again, not in any sense of punishment, but consequences. The window was broken, it's not grandma's fault so she shouldn't have to do without her window. difficult child 3 broke the window even though he didn't mean to, so difficult child 3 has to work to fix it. But he hasn't the skills - so zDaddy will help. difficult child 3 had to measure the space, write it all down, help Daddy saw a piece of wood to fit in (or help pay for a piece of glass) then help put it in place. It went way beyond punishment but it was still consequences. However, difficult child 3 felt a sense of pride in the finished job, although I know every time he looks at it he remembers, "Don't slam doors in a temper!" We oonly replaced the glass with a sheet of timber, so it still doens't look as good as it used to. But at least it's keepnig the draught out and the place is secure again. You have to be firm and consistent, or you will find the younger kids following their brother's example as they get older. And you don't want that! Marg [/QUOTE]
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