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Serious help needed!18 yr old, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 297889" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Hi Mom of 4, </p><p> </p><p>Not Mom of 3 most times and this one kid that yo-yo's in and out of your life - Mom of 4. But it sure seems like Mom of 3 & a yo-yo doesn't it? At this point you are really at a crossroads and so is your #1 son. At 18 physically and about what maybe a 15/16 yo. mentally at best? It does break your heart to see him not have the behaviors of other 18 year olds around him. That's tough. What I'm going to say to you further is going to be tougher....(hands rhino skin coat) </p><p> </p><p>You said this has been going on since he was roughly eight years old? In that time there are other children coming into the home. Three others in the last ten years. While it's not fair to #1 son to say "You have to go." How fair is it to the other three that don't have a choice on where they could go? They absolutely have a right to live in a safe, non-chaotic environment, and so do you, and so does your husband. I am not telling you to tell your son to get out. I did not put MY son out in the streets without a place to go and I couldn't tell anyone else to do that either, but what I am going to suggest to you is that you hear it from a professional. I think it would be a great idea to find a family therapist and YOU go. Not you and the #1 son - he's not interested. Not you and the other 3 kids. Maybe you and the husband...if he's so inclined. But at least you. You came here looking for help, guidance, understanding - and hey - we're supportive, and goodness knows by now I'm sure we could get degrees, but we're not professionals. If you have less than no money - call mental health and tell them you are a family in severe crisis, trying to avoid police involvement and need IMMEDIATE appointment and beg to be seen. If that doesn't work call around and tell family therapists the same thing and if you have medicaid ask them if they will take that or if you have insurance - or if you don't have either - BEG them to see you for free. </p><p> </p><p>The next thing I would probably do is file for Social Security Disability for your son. If he has a mental health background of being seen by psychiatrists, or doctors and has had a diagnosis - you have a shot of getting him disability. Do it now while he's still interested in attending school. Do it now while he has a history of problems, run ins with the law and history of loosing jobs. You can file on line. If he gets it? Good - that's some money and it opens some doors to other housing he could afford. IT's not the Ritz - but it's not the I-95 underpass either. </p><p> </p><p>Do you have written house rules? Are they posted or just understood? Do you have written consequences? You're the boss- you can amend and change, add or delete any time. You can also have written rules and chore charts. If the tank to the hard water softener lid comes off - Duct tape the thing shut. If the drain in the basement is getting peed in? Cover the drain with some light colored fabric and find out from a local plumber if you can buy some kind of drain cover or filter that would show the pee. </p><p> </p><p>If you intend on allowing your son back in the house at this point? FAMILY MEETING with YOU, husband and #1 son....WRITE OUT THE RULES, WRITE OUT THE CONSEQUENCES...and post them---without exception. IF this rule is broken - THIS WILL HAPPEN.....no questions - YOU ARE NOT A BOY - YOU ARE A YOUNG MAN. THIS IS OUR HOME - you live in it. OUR RULES are to be followed or you are out - This can include going with you to family therapy, earning money around the house, being more responsible taking out the trash, raking leaves...washing your car.....be specific. </p><p> </p><p>If you intend on allowing him back in the house ONLY because you feel sorry for him and have no intentions of doing anything other than living like you've been living because you have no energy to do anything but continue like it's been going - because he texted you and says "I'm sorry" then just re-read what you wrote to us and repeat when you son cycles again or doesn't get his way or the next time ask him to do something in YOUR home, and continue repeating. If nothing changes....nothing changes. </p><p> </p><p>If you intend on allowing him back in the house but don't want him to stay, and it's on HIS terms? Then do like SLSH suggested - and give him a time limit - October 1st move out date....if he doesn't show any signs of moving - get boxes on 9-30-09 and pack his junk for him, set it on the lawn on 10-1-09, change the locks and write a note that says I love you---but. Then let him deal with it and do not let him back in. The more "chances" you give him the LESS you are helping him in this situation. </p><p> </p><p>I'm sorry there really aren't many more answers than this. When we were going through this and who knows - any day we still could - our son is 19 on Tuesday...I kept thinking if there was just a place like an entire TOWN for kids like ours....but unless you count prisons - there really isn't so we have to push them and it hurts - and it isn't easy and we've already had to endure so many heart breaks from unnormal lives with them - that it really just does NOT seem fair....but when we do have a seemingly normal moment - WOW do we appreciate it more than most huh? </p><p> </p><p>Hang in there - Keep us updated...<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/11-24a.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel3:" title="angel :angel3:" data-shortname=":angel3:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 297889, member: 4964"] Hi Mom of 4, Not Mom of 3 most times and this one kid that yo-yo's in and out of your life - Mom of 4. But it sure seems like Mom of 3 & a yo-yo doesn't it? At this point you are really at a crossroads and so is your #1 son. At 18 physically and about what maybe a 15/16 yo. mentally at best? It does break your heart to see him not have the behaviors of other 18 year olds around him. That's tough. What I'm going to say to you further is going to be tougher....(hands rhino skin coat) You said this has been going on since he was roughly eight years old? In that time there are other children coming into the home. Three others in the last ten years. While it's not fair to #1 son to say "You have to go." How fair is it to the other three that don't have a choice on where they could go? They absolutely have a right to live in a safe, non-chaotic environment, and so do you, and so does your husband. I am not telling you to tell your son to get out. I did not put MY son out in the streets without a place to go and I couldn't tell anyone else to do that either, but what I am going to suggest to you is that you hear it from a professional. I think it would be a great idea to find a family therapist and YOU go. Not you and the #1 son - he's not interested. Not you and the other 3 kids. Maybe you and the husband...if he's so inclined. But at least you. You came here looking for help, guidance, understanding - and hey - we're supportive, and goodness knows by now I'm sure we could get degrees, but we're not professionals. If you have less than no money - call mental health and tell them you are a family in severe crisis, trying to avoid police involvement and need IMMEDIATE appointment and beg to be seen. If that doesn't work call around and tell family therapists the same thing and if you have medicaid ask them if they will take that or if you have insurance - or if you don't have either - BEG them to see you for free. The next thing I would probably do is file for Social Security Disability for your son. If he has a mental health background of being seen by psychiatrists, or doctors and has had a diagnosis - you have a shot of getting him disability. Do it now while he's still interested in attending school. Do it now while he has a history of problems, run ins with the law and history of loosing jobs. You can file on line. If he gets it? Good - that's some money and it opens some doors to other housing he could afford. IT's not the Ritz - but it's not the I-95 underpass either. Do you have written house rules? Are they posted or just understood? Do you have written consequences? You're the boss- you can amend and change, add or delete any time. You can also have written rules and chore charts. If the tank to the hard water softener lid comes off - Duct tape the thing shut. If the drain in the basement is getting peed in? Cover the drain with some light colored fabric and find out from a local plumber if you can buy some kind of drain cover or filter that would show the pee. If you intend on allowing your son back in the house at this point? FAMILY MEETING with YOU, husband and #1 son....WRITE OUT THE RULES, WRITE OUT THE CONSEQUENCES...and post them---without exception. IF this rule is broken - THIS WILL HAPPEN.....no questions - YOU ARE NOT A BOY - YOU ARE A YOUNG MAN. THIS IS OUR HOME - you live in it. OUR RULES are to be followed or you are out - This can include going with you to family therapy, earning money around the house, being more responsible taking out the trash, raking leaves...washing your car.....be specific. If you intend on allowing him back in the house ONLY because you feel sorry for him and have no intentions of doing anything other than living like you've been living because you have no energy to do anything but continue like it's been going - because he texted you and says "I'm sorry" then just re-read what you wrote to us and repeat when you son cycles again or doesn't get his way or the next time ask him to do something in YOUR home, and continue repeating. If nothing changes....nothing changes. If you intend on allowing him back in the house but don't want him to stay, and it's on HIS terms? Then do like SLSH suggested - and give him a time limit - October 1st move out date....if he doesn't show any signs of moving - get boxes on 9-30-09 and pack his junk for him, set it on the lawn on 10-1-09, change the locks and write a note that says I love you---but. Then let him deal with it and do not let him back in. The more "chances" you give him the LESS you are helping him in this situation. I'm sorry there really aren't many more answers than this. When we were going through this and who knows - any day we still could - our son is 19 on Tuesday...I kept thinking if there was just a place like an entire TOWN for kids like ours....but unless you count prisons - there really isn't so we have to push them and it hurts - and it isn't easy and we've already had to endure so many heart breaks from unnormal lives with them - that it really just does NOT seem fair....but when we do have a seemingly normal moment - WOW do we appreciate it more than most huh? Hang in there - Keep us updated...:angel3: [/QUOTE]
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Serious help needed!18 yr old, now what?
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