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Serious help needed!18 yr old, now what?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 297951" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We set up a sepcial bank account with difficult child 1's cooperation. When difficult child 3 is 16 and qualifies for disability payments we will do the same thing with him. It required difficult child 1's cooperation but he knew he's not great with managing his own money. He's actually learned a lot from this process.</p><p></p><p>What we did - we noted what day the payments went to hisaccount. For a whilewe would ask him to hand over his card for three days around tat date. Then we would give his card back to him. Over those days, several tings happened in sequences.</p><p></p><p>1) the money went into his account in full.</p><p>2) A couple od days elapsed to make sure it was all processed and the bank paperwork was all in place.</p><p>3) Most of it was siphoned out to an investment account. The investment account was set up in difficult child 1's name but with three signatories, difficult child 1 and any other to sign. It was an account which paid out higher interest mothly into the account but not if there was anywithdrawal in that month and there had to be at least one deposit. Since we had fortnightly deposits and lirttle chance of withdrawal for difficult child 1, te account built up fast.</p><p></p><p>When we handed his card back to him, he knew that any money he could access using his card, was fair game. That was his allowance for the fortnight. He often spent too much and had nothing left for the rest of the fortnight, but he did learn.</p><p></p><p>We set tis up with difficult child 1's cooperation, though. We asked him how much per fortnight he thought he would need, to indulge his interests and go out with friends. We discussed it, made sure he was realistic. Then we set the limits accordingly.</p><p></p><p>A few months before his wedding we put daughter in law on the signatory list. When difficult child 3 had his nasty car accident (he was unhurt mostly, so was the other driver, but he was uninsured and it was looking like bankruptcy) they had to get at the money in his investment account quickly, so he and daughter in law were organising it. It had been getting whittled away anyway because they simply weren't earning enough to live on. I beleive daughter in law has put a small amount of it aside to pay for a replacement car for difficult child 1 which he is still entitled to do even if he does have to declare bankruptcy after all.</p><p></p><p>The thing is - we talked about it, we set it up as a team. difficult child 1 was never able to come back to us and say, "You made me lock away too much of my income." Because HE set the amount. But coping with the neceesary paperwork - he couldn't do it without our help.</p><p></p><p>But now, he can handle paperwork. he can organise things. he's had to learn how, and we realise that he began learning way back when he was still at home. We just never realised it.</p><p></p><p>Your son's bedwetting may be a sensory thing. But while he's awake during the day and not using a toilet, that is selfishness. Yes, I've lived with a small boy who was scared to use toilets away from the home, but at home it was familiar and he used the toilet. He also had accidents in his sleep, or sometimes got caught up in a game and forgot, but to actually do it in the wrong place knowingly? Not on. That's wilfulness.</p><p></p><p>I agree with Star about duct tape and blocking things up, because if you can make it difficult enough, then it will be less trouble to do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing shouldn't be too easy.</p><p></p><p>On the subject of letting people know where you are, or at least whether you will be home for dinner - we insist on that for every person under the roof. Me, husband, any kid, any kid's friend, any house guest. It's a household courtesy thing. We've always had easy compliance. Perhaps when the kids see that we do it too, they relax and don't see it as us tracking their movements. But it is most important tat te parents start to do this first. </p><p>Example: difficult child 3 is playing computer games in front of the TV. I say to him, "I'm just going down to the shops to get some milk. I'll be back in half an hour."</p><p>Now let's say down at the shops I run into a friendand she says, "Let's go have coffee."</p><p>After about half an hour especially if it looks like I'm going to be at least another half hour or maybe more, I will call home and let difficult child 3 know that my plans have changed a little.</p><p></p><p>There is a flip side to this. difficult child 3 then might say (or call independently) to say, "Have you left the shops yet? Because I just used the last slice of bread, could you get more while you are there?"</p><p></p><p>That is another household rule for us - when you use the last of something, or with most things when you open a new packet of something, it immediately goes on the shopping list. So I buy corn chips to make nachos, but if difficult child 3 scoffs them then there's none left for nachos. So when difficult child 3 eats them (which he does) I find his scrawl on the shopping list "corn chips".</p><p>A smaller kid who can't reach the shopping list has to ask someone else to write it for them.</p><p></p><p>If you ever had to share accommodation, then try to think back to the house rules you had, and develop something like tihs. If you have mid-teen or adult children, they are likely to need this training. They are also likely to resent being treated as children (as they see it) which is why the rules must also apply to the parents. To EVERYBODY. That is when you are more likely to get compliance.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 297951, member: 1991"] We set up a sepcial bank account with difficult child 1's cooperation. When difficult child 3 is 16 and qualifies for disability payments we will do the same thing with him. It required difficult child 1's cooperation but he knew he's not great with managing his own money. He's actually learned a lot from this process. What we did - we noted what day the payments went to hisaccount. For a whilewe would ask him to hand over his card for three days around tat date. Then we would give his card back to him. Over those days, several tings happened in sequences. 1) the money went into his account in full. 2) A couple od days elapsed to make sure it was all processed and the bank paperwork was all in place. 3) Most of it was siphoned out to an investment account. The investment account was set up in difficult child 1's name but with three signatories, difficult child 1 and any other to sign. It was an account which paid out higher interest mothly into the account but not if there was anywithdrawal in that month and there had to be at least one deposit. Since we had fortnightly deposits and lirttle chance of withdrawal for difficult child 1, te account built up fast. When we handed his card back to him, he knew that any money he could access using his card, was fair game. That was his allowance for the fortnight. He often spent too much and had nothing left for the rest of the fortnight, but he did learn. We set tis up with difficult child 1's cooperation, though. We asked him how much per fortnight he thought he would need, to indulge his interests and go out with friends. We discussed it, made sure he was realistic. Then we set the limits accordingly. A few months before his wedding we put daughter in law on the signatory list. When difficult child 3 had his nasty car accident (he was unhurt mostly, so was the other driver, but he was uninsured and it was looking like bankruptcy) they had to get at the money in his investment account quickly, so he and daughter in law were organising it. It had been getting whittled away anyway because they simply weren't earning enough to live on. I beleive daughter in law has put a small amount of it aside to pay for a replacement car for difficult child 1 which he is still entitled to do even if he does have to declare bankruptcy after all. The thing is - we talked about it, we set it up as a team. difficult child 1 was never able to come back to us and say, "You made me lock away too much of my income." Because HE set the amount. But coping with the neceesary paperwork - he couldn't do it without our help. But now, he can handle paperwork. he can organise things. he's had to learn how, and we realise that he began learning way back when he was still at home. We just never realised it. Your son's bedwetting may be a sensory thing. But while he's awake during the day and not using a toilet, that is selfishness. Yes, I've lived with a small boy who was scared to use toilets away from the home, but at home it was familiar and he used the toilet. He also had accidents in his sleep, or sometimes got caught up in a game and forgot, but to actually do it in the wrong place knowingly? Not on. That's wilfulness. I agree with Star about duct tape and blocking things up, because if you can make it difficult enough, then it will be less trouble to do the right thing. Doing the wrong thing shouldn't be too easy. On the subject of letting people know where you are, or at least whether you will be home for dinner - we insist on that for every person under the roof. Me, husband, any kid, any kid's friend, any house guest. It's a household courtesy thing. We've always had easy compliance. Perhaps when the kids see that we do it too, they relax and don't see it as us tracking their movements. But it is most important tat te parents start to do this first. Example: difficult child 3 is playing computer games in front of the TV. I say to him, "I'm just going down to the shops to get some milk. I'll be back in half an hour." Now let's say down at the shops I run into a friendand she says, "Let's go have coffee." After about half an hour especially if it looks like I'm going to be at least another half hour or maybe more, I will call home and let difficult child 3 know that my plans have changed a little. There is a flip side to this. difficult child 3 then might say (or call independently) to say, "Have you left the shops yet? Because I just used the last slice of bread, could you get more while you are there?" That is another household rule for us - when you use the last of something, or with most things when you open a new packet of something, it immediately goes on the shopping list. So I buy corn chips to make nachos, but if difficult child 3 scoffs them then there's none left for nachos. So when difficult child 3 eats them (which he does) I find his scrawl on the shopping list "corn chips". A smaller kid who can't reach the shopping list has to ask someone else to write it for them. If you ever had to share accommodation, then try to think back to the house rules you had, and develop something like tihs. If you have mid-teen or adult children, they are likely to need this training. They are also likely to resent being treated as children (as they see it) which is why the rules must also apply to the parents. To EVERYBODY. That is when you are more likely to get compliance. Hang in there. Marg [/QUOTE]
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